To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

[lottielonsdale]

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

But where do you get the impression I'm or making the most of my life?

This thread is awfully depressing. I am genuinely surprised so many are urging me to bring a child into an untenable situation.

I think around the stage where you were being encouraged to try to find a partner...you seem to have accepted defeat before even trying.

*not

Anyway I need to sleep - will be exhausted tomorrow at this rate.

Before I go can I politely remind everyone I lost my own mum at seven and I am childless now.

Does it take a lot of imagination to consider this might be a difficult day for me and that a little support albeit during a bit of self pity would have been nice. Thank you SO MUCH to those who gave it

I think there has been a lot of drip feeding in this thread. The first half was all about missing out on things by not having a partner to do it with (scans,prams etc) - that is self pitying if you are not going to do anything to change either situation and just feel sorry for yourself. I'm sorry if you feel like this is goading a single childless woman on Mother's Day however you did ask if YWBU.
I've felt some of your comments have been quite judgemental against single women who do choose to have a child on their own as if we've given no thought to how the child will feel. I spent a long time researching to ensure the risk of long term emotional damage is minimal - and it is, even with low household income and no father. Which is why I've struggled with your reasoning.

However your last couple of posts are completely different reasons and I think there is even more beneath the surface. You're clearly not looking for solutions so I will stop trying to help you find them. Good luck to you.

One of the problems with MN is that people seem unable to just empathise without offering some kind of suggestion.
I understand OP x

Lottie I am so sorry about your experiences as a child and can completely see why this would make you want to feel very secure before bringing children into the world. This is, of course, your own choice and you are totally entitled to it.

Can I suggest that you and others, PiazzaDelPoppolo, Dinosaurus86, FreeNiki and others who are thinking about these issues' consider looking into egg freezing. The age of the egg is the biggest factor in fertility so freezing your eggs couple be helpful.

I think whippetwoman has a fabuluos idea, "... get fit and possibly meet someone then check out your local climbing club. The vast majority of climbers are men of all ages. You can start as a complete beginner with any weight or fitness level. I know so many people that met each other through climbing that it's unreal."

I have to say that I agree with Whippetwoman, "Google your local climbing club now!"

lottielonsdale "I don't carry weight well at all. I look quite nice when slimmer but I've got tiny features that get lost in fat easily." Please focus on the features that do look good.

I really wonder if you need to look into some confidence related stuff and assertiveness to help you. It is totally understandable in our current culture that women focus too much on their looks, but look at most couples, neither party is necessarily favulous! There is so much more than just how you look.

Laura2507 congratulations on your pregnancy.

Before I go can I politely remind everyone I lost my own mum at seven and I am childless now.

Does it take a lot of imagination to consider this might be a difficult day for me and that a little support albeit during a bit of self pity would have been nice

But that wasn't what your post was about. You didn't even mention mothers day in your OP. I won't apologise for not being a mind reader - you've drip fed then made out people are being nasty for not understanding.

I am fortunate I still have my mum but I do know what it's like to be childless. I can imagine Mother's Day has been very tough for you and I'm sorry for that.

squishee "I sympathise at 40. So your odds are still better than mine!

To complicate matters my Mr Right thinks he's too old for family plans."

Do you want kids and he doesn't? are you OK about not having kids because he doesn't want them? How long have you been together?

You don't need to answer but if you have only been together a short while and you want kids and he doesn't are you sure he is going to be in your life long enough to make it up to you that you didn't get to become a parent?

Laura some people have been quite insensitive on this thread because the OP doesn't want to do things their way.

With all due respect OP, there are vast numbers of women on this board who have been or are still struggling with infertility, and/or the previous loss of babies pre and post birth, and even the devastating loss of older children also. So you mustn't be surprised if as a result you find limited sympathy for someone who could very possibly have the one thing in life they want but makes excuses not to even try to make it happen.

Totally agree cuppa - most of us havent been handed husbands and children (or careers) on a plate. I was trying to tell you I also struggled with being single and I've also struggled with infertility (albeit secondary infertility). Point is my situation only changed when I changed and took actions to achieve what I wanted rather than hoping luck would just chance upon me. I think greyhound had a great suggestion about seeking help for your confidence and assertiveness. And yes chikdrens charities, other people's children etc are great but they aren't where the single men hang out. Climbing or cycling clubs are where you need to head!!

Lottie, so sorry you are feeling sad. I think you're being very responsible to think about what it would be like for a child if you went for it alone, rather than just focusing on what you want. There is still time for your dreams (of a partner and a child) to come true but it's completely understandable to feel sad they haven't yet, particularly today.

A lot of people on here seem to be focussing on trying to 'fix' your problem, really without anything like the level of detail required to do so. It's human nature and comes from a desire to help but can be annoying when really all you want is some sympathy. The number of people who glibly said to me "why don't you adopt" when I was suffering from infertility was huge. There were good and detailed reasons why not (including living in a country where as a non citizen I couldn't legally adopt) which of course I'd explored thoroughly. I gave up explaining after a while.

I found a book called 'the next happy' by Tracey Cleantis really helpful when my life wasn't turning out the way I'd hoped. Since I read this book my dreams have come true, although not exactly as I would have planned given the choice, but I found this book so helpful when I was feeling sad.

Agree with Bill - the idea that a reliable support network will magically form from acquaintances is overly optimistic to say the least. I feel quite isolated with a new baby and I am a sahm so not juggling work and home and have a DH albeit one who works long hours. I have been going to baby groups etc and been quite open about our lack of family or close friends nearby and my chronic lack of sleep - no-one has offered to help so far (nor would I expect them to of course, though I live in hope!).

haveacupoftea "So you mustn't be surprised if as a result you find limited sympathy for someone who could very possibly have the one thing in life they want but makes excuses not to even try to make it happen."

If people don't feel sympathetic towards the OP then they don't need to post. Mumsnet is for support.

Of course others have had devastating experiences. But not wanting to have a baby on your own as a single parent doesn't mean you can't post and ask advice on here, surely?

She's posted on Aibu not a 'support' board...

This is one of those occasions where MN advice is too simplistic.

Just go aand have a baby by donor or whatever. Really?

I only paid my.law school debt off in 2013. Who the hell was going to pay it when I was on maternity leave. How would I pay rent out of smp. How would I pay childcare out of one salary.

It just isnt that easy.

As for finding the right guy, the last two cheated.

what are we supposed to do?

It's very depressing that so many posters seem to think that to 'make the most' of her life the OP has to have children of her own and a partner. Posters seem to have overlooked the post the OP made about the other worthwhile things she does in her life.

most of us havent been handed husbands and children (or careers) on a plate...Point is my situation only changed when I changed and took actions to achieve what I wanted rather than hoping luck would just chance upon me.

Leaving aside infertility because nobody can control that or the outcomes of any actions taken, I really think you are underestimating the role luck plays. You went on a holiday and met your DP. Lucky you, but there are so many variables. I'm absolutely certain there will be some women who went on that holiday thinking 'I'm going to go out there and get what I want' who came back home miserable and glum just as single as they went out.

You seem to be insisting that people can always get what they want if they just go for it - just because you've been lucky everybody else should just take huge risks and gamble on the future turning out exactly how they want without any prudent assessment of the risks involved. It's shockingly bad advice. And wrong.

Sorry, I may be a little sensitive on this subject today. A friend who had been longing for a baby has been diagnosed with cancer and had to let go of that dream.

Sometimes things don't turn out the way we want them to for all sorts of reasons and it's okay to feel sad about letting it go. But it doesn't mean the different path you go down will be any less worthwhile OP.

Sunshineandlaughter "She's posted on Aibu not a 'support' board..." So what? Just because people are rude on AIBU, doesn't excuse it, IMHO.

Getting pregnant with IVF is not necessarily very easy, as well. We had loads of fertility treatment that did not work. It is certainly worth doing if that is what someone wants to do but there are no guarantees.

But I really do recommend freezing some eggs for anyone who can afford to do it and wants to get pregnant at some future point.

Sending you a big hug OP. It's tough and fertility is a cruel thing.
Have you thought about freezing some eggs? Not cheap but it could buy you time while you meet the right person?
In terms of losing weight, the lighter nights are here now. Could you join a fitness based club? Might be a good place to meet someone in real life rather than online? A chance to build a support network and maybe Mr Right while you lose weight and build confidence.
Something like a rowing or running club where you get a good mix of men and women?
I like the climbing idea too, or maybe hillwalking?
I'm about your age and this time last year I was really struggling, albeit different circumstances. We were doing IVF and I was waiting to find out if it had worked.
I'm now typing badly with a three month old on my knee.
Miracles happen. If this can work for me, your dreams can come true too. Lots of luck to you.

The eggs idea is a really good one. I have fertility issues and had IVF so have embryos stored from when I was 36 should I want more. It makes a big difference, will certainly give you more breathing space.

Really happy for you Coastal :)

I might look into egg freezing then - I always thought it didn't really work?

I don't see the point in this post.

You've spent the whole post telling folk why you can't have a family. Then agree to look in to egg freezing?

What if you met this fantastic bloke, get pregnant and he dies and he has no family: you will be stuck with a kid in all the situations you have said are reasons you can't/won't have one. What are you going to do then? You can't give it back!

It's like standing out side a cake shop desperately wanting a cake but won't get one in case you get fat and feeling sad about it!

I have a friend that's like this and it's very draining.

I know several single women (and I'm one of them!) who has taken a couple of steps down in my career and found a part time job in order to be a mother (in my case by adoption). I live a long way from my parents, so don't have ready made help from family.

We live in a small flat, and don't have holidays. The car is 20 years old and gradually disintegrating from rust.

We're both incredibly happy - yes there are ups and downs and it is not always easy, but I love being a Mum. It was only possible because of the choices and actions I made - changing jobs, finding somewhere smaller and cheaper to live, saving up, adopting a school age child to reduce childcare costs (and you have a better idea of potential issues with an older child, plus they are harder to place so SWs are more interested in taking you through the process).

If you don't want to make those choices that's fine - but it seems as if it's not about wanting a child, it's about creating a fantasy life and refusing to consider everything else. Being an armchair psychologist, are you trying to create the childhood you wished you had?

Because as others have said, your partner could die or the relationship break down, your baby could turn out to have significant special needs, you could lose your job etc etc.

Jazzy, if I met the perfect bloke and had children with him and he subsequently died he would probably have family of his own, I would be entitled to some benefits and presumably life insurance. It's not comparable. I'm honestly mystified as to why people are getting so irate with me about this.

Not all men have family - you don't.
Not all people have insurance.
Maybe that's why you haven't met the right bloke because you expect too much. Life doesn't work like that.

I don't think people are irate (well I'm not) just find it bizzare that you expect this perfect bloke to exist to give you the perfect family - that just doesn't exist.

Don't feel bitter or sad about choices you make about your own life. Own them - you made them, otherwise you are going to be one very discontented lady when your past child baring age.