To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

[lottielonsdale]

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

charlestrenet - how old were your friends when they decided on the donor sperm route? OP, Mr Right has also so far evaded me. I understand the difficulties. I would desperately love to have my own little family; however, I think I have decided that I would like to have a child regardless. The question for me is at what age do I cut my losses and just get a donor (assuming my fertility is ok - I have no idea).

Don't have a child alone. Ideally 2 parents should raise a kid(s) and not just one. Alone, it will be a real struggle. Not just financially but in every way. I know a lot of single mums and their lives are not easy, especially the ones with low income. Think!

Of course it would be difficult, but there are plenty of single mothers who do a great job. I think it also depends on the sort of family network you have.

The person I know had theirs when they were about 36-37 by donor. Worked out very well. I would have done that had I not married. 50% of marriages fail anyway (even more non married relationships fail) so plenty of parents end up alone and some spouses die too so you might well end up alone even if you marry.

If a marriage ends the father may of course leave without providing any emotional or financial support but not always.

Dinosaurus the two for whom it was successful were late 30s. The friend who it didn't work out for was early 40s. If you're considering it, you can get a broad idea of your fertility through your GP before embarking on the private clinic route. It's not a guarantee of success by any means, but at least if the possibility was ruled out completely you'd know before going through stressful and expensive treatment.

Also, dinosaurus, have you considered setting up a co-parenting agreement with someone else? Presumably if there was someone around you who would fit the bill you'd have thought about it, but it's worth mentioning. Same sex couples can find this to be an arrangement that works.

OP don't give up! Lots of women are meeting men later in life and having children.

I really hope so :)

Op, I just wanted to echo what others have said: don't give up hope, there is still time. However, there isn't that much time and I really do understand your concerns about going it alone. That said, I know a couple of women who have gone it alone using donor sperm and it has worked out - they both have good support networks and happy children. It's not easy, of course, but then it can still be bloody difficult (financially, emotionally) if you are in a relationship. You never know how a relationship will pan out.

I don't have any answers but I feel for you. You sound like a lovely person and today must be difficult if you're concerned that you may never have children.

@lottielonsdale. No, you are quite correct- that is a very absolute statement and of course I understand how difficult the idea of kids on your own is. Apologies if it sounded critical.

We have two young ones and I think anyone who manages as a lone parent is a hero- it is very hard work when I have them for just a few days alone.

Your OP seemed to indicate that you felt the option of kids was completely closed- your subsequent posts clarify why you wouldn't consider it (I actually started typing about 30 min before finishing my post- kids).

I still would still say that adopting one, possibly older, child is eminently doable, I know many who have. In fact some of the very best mums I know are single mums.

@zaalitje

So sorry to hear that. Of course the adoption assessment is and should be rigorous, but that doesn't mean all agencies work the same way. Stage 1 is often where LAs turn people down to save money- I'm a bit sceptical that they can (in most cases) do a thorough assessment without the stage 2 work.

If you do try again I consider a voluntary agency, they can sometimes be a bit more flexible and supportive (though, of course, it varies).

Any man would be lucky to have you! You sound so nice. Get yourself out there OP. You've got to be in it to win it.

Aw thanks derxa, that's cheered me right up Hoping to shift some weight then give Internet dating another shot!

I met my husband later in life. I had the exact same thoughts as you! When I had my DC I wasn't even close to the oldest first time mum- plenty over 40 and some at 45. Don't give up hope is what I say!! Blind dates, group activities, online dating... get out there! You never know

Im in the same boat.

For women my age and still single what kind of relationship history have you had?

dinosaur - there is a donor conception board on here - lots of women on there are going it alone and provide brilliant support to one another. There is also the Donor Conception Network which provides real life support and advice to anyone thinking of using donor eggs/sperm - members are single women and lesbian or heterosexual couples.

There are also quite a few posters on here who are already single mothers by choice

Not a lot of experience to be fair Always been something coming up. Had a few dates but nothing ever came of it.

OP as a lone parent you can have up to 70% of your childcare bill paid for you by the state. May be worth doing some online calculators.

Not if you earn too much in the 'squeezed middle' :)

*I'm :)

I met DH when I was 38. We got married just before my 40th.
DS was born when I was 41.
Now thinking about DC2 and I'm 43

Met him on match affinity if that helps? He was my first and only date from there

This might sound completely mad but if you wanted to get fit and possibly meet someone then check out your local climbing club. The vast majority of climbers are men of all ages. You can start as a complete beginner with any weight or fitness level. I know so many people that met each other through climbing that it's unreal. I climbed for a few years and it was really fun and very social. I only stopped because I was pregnant with DC3 at aged 40.

Google your local climbing club now!

Not a lot of experience to be fair. Always been something coming up. Had a few dates but nothing ever came of it.

me either.

I cant believe ive ended up that girl. the one whos always alone.

OP - don't wait until you shift some weight to get out there! The right man on internet dating won't be that shallow. Write yourself (or ask a friend to write) a lovely, honest profile that gives a real sense of your personality, get some great pictures taken in your favourite outfits, and see how it goes! I think you may be surprised how many interesting men out there secretly feel the same way about not having met anybody special by the time they are in their late thirties or early forties. There are surely people out there who would absolutely love to meet you right now, and who would much prefer not to waste time being apart just because you think you need to lose some weight.

I completely understand how you feel by the way, and also why you feel adopting or having children on your own is not something you want to do right now. All you can do is get out there and date, enjoy the company of your friends, and repeat regularly that you are - and always will be - worth just as much as women who have children.