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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

180 replies

lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 16:45

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 21:59

It's not the truth. You are advocating that a woman alone, who would be unable to pay the bills and childcare and thus I presume go on benefits, bring a baby into the world.

You are advocating that she does so knowing that if she died or became seriously ill the child would have no one.

I repeat, your opinion is stupid. That is the truth. The truth is not that I am self pitying - if I was I could have a child and spend the next ten years complaining about how hard it is.

Instead I get on with things and on Mother's Day I have a wobble and you attack me.

Why?

What are you getting out of it?

I don't understand.

OP posts:
Blistory · 26/03/2017 22:05

OP, your first post explains that it's a self pitying post. You can't really blame other posters for simply agreeing with what you identified yourself.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 22:07

There's a difference in me saying something a bit jokily and others using it as a means to try and be belligerent towards me and place the blame at my door.

I desperately want a child. The fact I don't is because if and when I do have a child I want them to be secure and happy and at the moment they would not be. As I've said - it's not every day you have to defend yourself because you aren't a single mum on benefits! :)

OP posts:
ninenicknames · 26/03/2017 22:08

Don't give up. I was in this situation. I had my DS alone (donor)

Best thing I EVER did 👍🏼

Rufus27 · 26/03/2017 22:12

Don't give up hope if it's what you want.
I have just become a mum at 45.
Didn't meet DP until my late 30s.
I remember feeling exactly the same way as you Flowers

AYankinSpanx · 26/03/2017 22:12

An acquaintance had given up on starting a family at the age of 39. I found out last night that she's met a great chap and is pregnant with her first baby at 42.

I hardly know anyone who had a baby before mid-late 30's. I know someone who's just had her 4th at 45.

38 is no age to give up OP! Grin

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 22:13

They are lovely stories, thanks! I hope I will meet someone and have a baby. And I want a fat baby please Grin They are the best ones!

OP posts:
Sunshineandlaughter · 26/03/2017 22:13

I'm not attacking you - I'm telling you can have what you want - but you have to make it happen

Focus on your career so you can earn more money
Focus on meeting someone - you definitely don't need to loose weight just be more confident
When I was desperate to meet someone to settle down and getting frustrated at my life I saved money, booked a sabbatical off work then went on a 4 week singles holiday touring an exotic country. I met my oh during this holiday. I didn't really have the money to go and I'd never been on holiday by myself before so it was really scary but it turned into the best thing I ever did. Going on a trip made it easier to meet someone as I could get to know people properly and over time - IMO online dating is hard to actually make a connection with someone. I felt really liberated taking my life into my own hands and going on a trip is always dreamed about but thought I had to have a partner to go with...
going to leave now Smile

derxa · 26/03/2017 22:14

Try not to engage with negative people on the Internet. They don't have your best interests at heart.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 22:15

True derxa, very true.

OP posts:
Laura2507 · 26/03/2017 22:17

I think confidence and self esteem may be the bigger issue here, not only with your weight but with your judgement that a child of yours would be miserable if it was just you. That's such a sad thing to say. Children don't see the world like we do as adults. They won't care if they have a fortnight on a beach holiday abroad or a weekend camping in Wales. In fact I'm hoping my kid(s) will prefer the camping in Wales!

It's sad you could potentially miss out on such a big dream for reasons that, from the outside, really seem as if they could be worked around. How much research have you done or is it just a gut feeling that it wouldn't work for you?

For PP poster who asked, there is the donor conception network which I've only just joined but there are lots of regional groups for single parents of donor conceived children and also for all families of donor conceived children. Looks like lots of stuff going on in London - big annual summer picnic. I think it will be great for the children to meet other children in similar circumstances to their own.

I'm also currently on a waiting list for pregnancy yoga and plan to attend lots of groups like that so I can meet other mums to be in my area. Not fussed who is single or not, I figure most mums to be are just as anxious and keen for support as each other!

For childcare there are options like au pairs, nurseries, childminders (some childminders list themselves as emergency childcare) I 'think' all working parents can get around 75% of approved childcare costs paid for regardless of income. Agree childcare is the biggest cost but is also heavily funded for working parents. Plus it's only for a couple of years then it's just outside school hours that needs providing for if you work full time. Circumstances change as the children grow, so the heavy childcare costs are not for that long in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 22:29

No Laura, we aren't choosing between a weekend in Wales or a fortnight on a beach holiday.

We're talking about sharing a room with your mum who you don't see between the hours of 7:30 and 6 because she's at work. We're talking about going into foster care if she dies (my mum died when I was 7, it happens) and outcomes there really aren't great. We're talking about no holiday at all. We're talking about having no money for anything except essentials and sometimes not even essentials. We're talking about being wholly reliant and dependent on one person and if she's ill, what happens then?

I really shouldn't have to justify myself, you know :)

You all KNOW if I came on here 'AIBU to have a baby as a single mum with no support or money' I'd get crucified and rightly so.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 26/03/2017 22:39

OP, I do hope it happens for you and FWIW I think you sound like a lovely Mum because you're even putting your hypothetical baby before yourself now thinking more about what life would be like for them rather than just blindly thinking about what you want. I know plenty of people who've gone it alone and it's worked really well, but it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this and decided that it won't work for you and that's fine too.

sunshine, thanks for giving me a bloody good laugh. I can't imagine what an awful bind a woman would find herself in if she decided just to go for it assuming that everything would magically fall into place and friends and neighbour's with their own lives and careers will just drop everything to become childcare on tap. What a ridiculous suggestion. And I think comparing a four week singles trip to an 18 year and beyond commitment to another human life is silly really.

Summersunshine222 · 26/03/2017 22:42

Actually lottie there has been a thread about "to have a baby as a single mum with no support or money'
And the majority said the same thing as on here. Build a support net work etc

Summersunshine222 · 26/03/2017 22:45

Bill I think sunshine meant that is how she met her other half (on the trip). Not made the decision on the trip.

Summersunshine222 · 26/03/2017 22:47

OP you still have a few more years. Make the most of it, create the life you want you still have time. Read the secret if you haven't already. Great book.

Laura2507 · 26/03/2017 22:48

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely.

These were your words in your OP. All some of us have done is try and show how you could - actually - do it alone but you've got more defensive and given more reasons not to do it as people have given you more suggestions. Clearly you have already made your mind up completely to not have a child on your own, and so you should have stated that in your original post.

I do think YABU if it's a choice you've made and you are being self pitying.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 22:54

Thank you, Bill

It is a choice I've made. Not because I'm self pitying but because I recognise it would be unfair on the child. Some single parent setups can work brilliantly, particularly if there are involved and active grandparents, but this isn't the case for me.

So what can I do if it doesn't happen? :) Make a huge fuss of friends' children. Have a dog. Lots of dogs Wink Volunteer with children's charities and work with an organisation committed to improving children's lives.

I do all the above now :) It's not the same but it's something. I accept there's something missing and I really hope I find it but if not I at least know I am not the type of person who would goad a childless woman on Mother's Day by calling her self pitying. I know at least I'm not nasty like that Hmm

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 26/03/2017 22:58

It's easier said than done though. What do you expect the OP to do? Hang round baby groups asking if people fancy babysitting her as yet unconceived child? Go round her neighbours with a clipboard asking for their availability for childcare and willingness to take a CRB check?

Many people who do that when they're pregnant won't succeed. We've all seen posts about how unfriendly and cliquey baby groups can be. Or the posts about mums who 'take the piss' always asking for help with this or a hand doing that who are perceived as needy and demanding by other parents. And the advice is always to tell those parents to piss off! Now suddenly the OP is being advised that she should be that parent and hope that new acquaintances should step into the place of other people's established support networks.

Speaking of other posts on here, there are always posts where mothers are disappointed in close relatives and old friends who don't offer as much support as they'd like with children and they struggle as a result. I'm always amazed when bearing that in mind posters expect someone you see once a week for a coffee at baby group or discussed contractions with at NCT to magically be prepared to offer more than close relatives in terms of support on the basis of a few weeks acquaintance.

I have no local support apart from my DH and in my experience it really doesn't work like that. The vast majority of mothers have relatives or at least partners and aren't looking to reciprocally offload children with people they barely know. Beside, they're normally new mothers too and have issues of their own to deal with. And there aren't many people not working and hanging around at home who aren't either in ill health, elderly or occupied with their own families who will just drop everything do an acquaintance. I honestly think some posters live in lalaland.

BillSykesDog · 26/03/2017 23:01

'To do an acquaintance a favour'.

I think quite a few of them would definitely drop everything if the offer was just 'to do an acquaintance'. Blush

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 23:03

I agree Bill

As I said above, I lost my own mum when I was 7 and I know my own dad found it incredibly difficult to work and bring me and my little brother up. People weren't very sympathetic then, and I was often left bearing the brunt of other people's irritation that we had been left with them!

Obviously that's not my dads fault at all but it was tough.

OP posts:
Summersunshine222 · 26/03/2017 23:07

Hmm it does seem alot different when you are not in that situation. When you put it like that, I have just realised how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. Thank you.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 23:09

Is there some sock puppeting here or do you just refer to yourself in the third person sunshine? :) Anyway, thank you for acknowledging that you are lucky although I am not sure who's post you mean!

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 23:10

Apologies - two sunshines! :)

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 26/03/2017 23:10

YANBU to feel sad. Of course you should.

YABU to choose to do nothing about it. Other posters arent deliberately being cruel, theyre trying to encourage you to make the most of your life, not just sit back and accept whatever will be will be, because you dont have time for that. They are trying to help you.