To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

Poor you OP, you've asked for advice and instead taken a battering. Not sure if this helps but this is what my DH and I do. This came about a few years ago after much arguing, and after he kept getting himself in debt and I kept bailing him out. Essentially this meant I paid for my own birthday presents at one point, and after that I'd had enough.

Each month each of our salaries goes into a joint account, from which all bills/food/expenditure on dd goes. Then, I transfer an equal amount to both of us, into our own private accounts. We can do what we like with this (save, spend, splurge). But when it's gone it's gone, and you can't criticise the other for what they've spent it on. We've been doing this for a few years and it works far better than what we did before. He still moans his money is taken away, and is still under the incorrect impression that I have more money than him (I don't, as I pay more into the joint account, and keep back the same amount he gets). But for the most part it works better than anything else we've tried.

Good luck, I'm pleased he's agreed to set up a direct debit. That sounds like a good enough compromise if you're not going to make large-scale changes to how your finances work.

He should take responsibility.

Yeah,my ex and father of my child was like this,not the same situation with stepchildren but tight fisted and controlling with money.That is why I think the whole he pays for this and I pay for that scenario never really works out.Sorry but I think of you marry or have children with someone then finances should be shared and it's just part of mutual trust and respect for the other partner .

Exactly this !

My partner earns around 1300 a month, I earn around 900 a month. He contributes 400 to our household a month and that's it. Our bills per month including travelling costs, gas, electricity etc amount to approx 1200. We have one child together, and his son lives with us and he gives me nothing extra. I don't see his son as his son, I see him as ours. So while your OH sounds like a tight git - I would never question putting the extra in for my step child. But maybe that's just me - I was a step mum before I was a mum

Doesn't like spending money on other people - including his kids - why have them!

Sorry a wealthy partner who won't look after his family, treat them to a nice meal out etc would drive me crazy!

I can see the problem of leaving the cupboards bare in that you have to feed your own kids

Jeez some people are harsh. I suppose all those berating you about being with him have perfect partners. Don't get me wrong, his tight fistedness is not very nice but its probably how he was brought up and its ingrained in him. My partner is tight with money and I often have to ask him to give me halves for things (he would never offer) but I don't let him get away with it.
Just tell him you want reimbursed or you won't be doing it again. I think you need to lay down the law on this one otherwise he'll just keep doing it.

'Jeez some people are harsh. I suppose all those berating you about being with him have perfect partners. Don't get me wrong, his tight fistedness is not very nice but its probably how he was brought up and its ingrained in him.'

PMSL that you point the finger at posters and not at a man who is so financially abusive he won't pay for his kids fucking FOOD when they stay with him, or buy them an Easter egg, or back to school stuff. The poor, imperfect soul, an adult completely unable to change because of how he was brought up, taking his wife for £11-fucking-thousands-pounds. But he's just 'not very nice', those nasty posters are just being harsh.

No wonder cunts like this guy end up with some sucker willing to put up with their abuse.

Poor kids!

I think the tight fistedness mostly stems from the fact he's happy to go on nice holidays, have decent clothes etc (by your own admission) he just doesn't want to pay for it. I think a massive chat about money needs to be had in your household. The 'arrangement' that you had you obviously don't find fair now as you see him as not contributing adequately to his kids.
Hope you work it out.
My bff has a mean-minded husband, I find it absolutely repellant and demeaning to her but they seem to be happy!

I would let him pay for the stepkids himself. Then its up to him and his ex to battle it out. Just sort out your own kids. Its his own fault for being so tight fisted. DD's dad is like this.

I couldn't live with someone as tight fisted and mean as this it would make me very resentful.

As OP is married, all their property, including the property she owns in her name only, may be seen as a joint marital asset if they were to ever split. Something to think about?

@Loulou0 - your dh pays the bare minimum maintenance for his children, and doesn't buy food for them when they come for the weekend.

You are going to have to explain how anyone can do these things and still be a good dad, because I don't think any amount of time spent with them can make up for such nastiness directed AT HIS CHILDREN!!

KJPxx - sorry to digress, but you pay double what your OH does for monthly household bills and yet you earn less than him and his son lives with you? How do you not feel extraordinarily hard done by - he is keeping £900 per month and you are keeping £100 pm of your respective salaries? That is extraordinarily unfair by any calculations, unless I have completely misunderstood you?

You need to not restock the cupboards for a month and suggest he takes them out to eat. The thought of having to buy takeaways and meals out will help him open his wallet. Or he could organise a prepaid credit card for the food (or a regular one that he pays for you) which can be used just for that.

My partner earns around 1300 a month, I earn around 900 a month. He contributes 400 to our household a month and that's it. Our bills per month including travelling costs, gas, electricity etc amount to approx 1200. We have one child together, and his son lives with us and he gives me nothing extra

WTF?!

Who decided that that was fair?!

The direct debit idea seems the best solution, because you don't want the children to be involved in this in any way because it would hurt them, and I think that when you are having the conversation about him setting up the Direct Debit, you can explain that part of the reason for that is so that they don't get hurt feelings. You love them and want them to feel welcome, and you are behaving like a better person than him. Unbelievable bad behaviour on his part. What does he think money is for?

My partner earns around 1300 a month, I earn around 900 a month. He contributes 400 to our household a month and that's it. Our bills per month including travelling costs, gas, electricity etc amount to approx 1200. We have one child together, and his son lives with us and he gives me nothing extra. I don't see his son as his son, I see him as ours. So while your OH sounds like a tight git - I would never question putting the extra in for my step child. But maybe that's just me - I was a step mum before I was a mum

you are being played for a fool if this is correct - and that has nothing to do with whether his son is your son or stepson. How can you respect a man who is happy to freeload off someone who earns less than him?

Op I get that your financially independent now, but what if something happened?

When we had our 1st, we were both in well paid full time work.
I went back part time.
We had good savings and no issues.
6 months after I went back, I got made redundant. I was also pregnant with 2nd.
I struggled to get more work.
I got work just after my stat mat ran out, so not too bad.
Then husband got made redundant!
He really struggled to get more work. Was off for 12 months.
Pay off and savings didn't last long. I only had a part time job.
Managed to get full time hours but didn't pay well. DH was at home with kids whilst I worked full time.
DH ended up just taking any old work, zero hour contract on min wage.
He's back in work now & I have a decent part time job, but those 18 months meant no longer do we have savings and we only just get by now.

We always thought we were financially secure but were blown away by how quick everything went.

We got little to no financial help as we had a mortgage & I had a job - even a crap paying one - it was deemed sufficent to support a family of 4. Plus we were expected to use savings that we had.

You think your financially independent/ secure but if something went wrong...what would happen.
Would he support you 100%.

It's a difficult conversation to have, I get that, I hate talking money, but you have to be sure he knows what goes in to household expendature. Not just mortgage and regular bills. Work on house, cleaning stuff, kids clothes, insurance, kids trips, anything in the house used by all - cones under household expendature (down to replacing cutlery broken items).

It's OK if he still wants to be in control of his money, as long as he's providing for his family - that's you as well.
Make sure he really is putting in his half.

Do you know his bank details you can pay for food that way. Is your husband happy has he ever taken risks with money with his children, with himself to make him and others happy.

My partner earns around 1300 a month, I earn around 900 a month. He contributes 400 to our household a month and that's it.

Wow another woman gets taken for a ride. Both your money should be put together that's how most unselfish households run. What attracted you to him the sex, his good looks because I would be shocked if you said his wonderful personality.

Give him a shopping list and get him to do an online shop. Or price it up on tescos or something.

I came on here expecting the usual 'he spends a fortune on them from our joint account' to which the answer is usually 'well you knew he had them' (with which I would normally agree).

However this is different and YANBatallU - how dare he never put his hand in his pocket! Stinginess is right up there with poor hygiene, knobcheese and duplicity - all deal-breakingly unattractive.

Nothing makes me want to have sex with a man less than one who is tightwadded. But as you say, you knew this aspect of his personality when you married him. I'd point out the 10k though and ask for it as a lump sum payment towards your something special.

I love my partner and yes, I contribute a hell of a lot more - financially - I didn't include he pays for his car. But i can have more if I wish - I was the one who asked for 100 per week. He contributes for holidays. He offers extra money towards Christmas etc. But I do it by choice.

People are quick to judge - I'm not a fool, or a door mat and certainly not controlled in any way - so maybe watch what you say - it must be hard being perfect!