To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

So he only pays bills and mortgage.
He'd be paying that if he were living on his own - as well as food!

You pay for his lifestyle - food/drink/gifts/holidays - everything he's too tight to pay for.
He's got it made hasn't he?

What kind of dad would he be if you separated?
A SHIT one....which is exactly what he is right now to ALL his kids.
You just don't want to see that.

Sounds to me like you are paying to keep him in your life.

You may be financially independent....but this guy is taking you for a mug and you're letting him.

Oh god, I've just realised this guy is a combination of a sperm donor, gold digger, deadbeat dad, harem keeper/sister wives and cocklodger!

He seeks out women who are financially able to support any children that might result from the relationship. So he will not have to contribute to the upkeep of the kids. The women will support the kids, even if they're step-kids!

In the meantime, he invests all his money in property (probably bigger and better than he could afford if he had to, you know, buy food to eat too).

Then when the kids are past cute, he moves on to the next sister wife, safe in the knowledge that these financially independent women will look after the older kids and not make too many financial demands of him.

Isn't that something like the way male lions operate? Fight off male lions to protect the territory but leave the lionesses to do all the hunting/providing? Hopefully he doesn't kill existing male cubs

*siater wiver

Damn autocorrect, sister wiver!

DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc.

Do you notice he's paying the bills that don't change, whereas you're paying the bills that do? If food prices go up, you'll be the one to suffer. As the children get older and need to pay adult prices for holidays, you'll suffer.

Of course when there's no childcare, you'll benefit. Will he then expect you to pay some of his bills?

I know you say you're happy, but I can't see how you can be happy with such a mean-spirited man.

Time for you and smalls to go on a trip to see grandparents/auntie/friends and leave the shopping til you get back. Let him have some dad time with his kids, feed them etc. On subsequent weekends, say you can cover your kids costs but two extra hungry kids is putting a strain on finances so he will have to up his share.

Who is paying for the shared hobbies/projects?

He has done a real job on you, paying mortgage and bills and nothing else. He is NOT a great dad, you by paying everyhing else might make him appear like one, but he really isn't

yongyangKipperbang Sun 26-Mar-17 17:30:00
"IT never ceases to amaze me how many wives think that how he treats his ex is none of their business."

Ive seen many Mners telling posters that the finances of the man they are dating is none of their business. peggyundercrackers has done this on quite a few threads.

He sounds a very mean spirited and selfish man. Either get him to set up the direct debit as Worra suggested or set up a regular food order for all the things they like that will be delivered twice a month and get him to pay it.

"Other than this huge character flaw (which I detest) he is a great dad, he gives them loads of attention, all of his time etc etc. I just wish we he'd change his stinking attitude about money." But not wanting to bother buying food for his kids means he is not a great dad, if you were not around what would happen? Can you explain this to him?

I think I'd need to say if he cannot work out this basic simple thing that we have some expensive counselling sessions, paid for by him.

I don't like the sound of the guy either PhaedrusRising, but your post is absolute crap. (Unless you're trying your hand at creative writing)

I have not read all posts but I must agree with PyongyangKipperbang "...how many wives think that how he treats his ex is none of their business. It is your business because how he treats her and his older kids is how he will treat you if you split up."

I think you need to work on this meanness in him, It will eventually potentially turn his kids (including your kids) against him and will mean that if you do split up he will potentially treat you with the same disdain that he is treating his ex wife with, and your kids with the same attitude he has for his other kids.

You may never make him happy to spend money but you may be able to make him realise that being a husband and father means he doesn't just get to decide how to spend his earnings himself, he needs to learn to share. You sound pretty bright OP so i am sure you can work out a way to get him doing the right thing even if he isn't happy about it!

Sorry to hear your DH is the same Messylife! That must be so difficult for you

Sorry I didn't get to read the reply that mn deleted.. but you've just called the bloke a right arsed fucker yourself so look a bit silly now. 90% of posters are telling you what he is, but you continue to be defensive and a Abusive which says a lot. You and him are probably a good match actually, both a pair of nobs.

Yawn

Op you need to protect yourself a bit more - the step kids food probably isn't the only thing he's taking you for a ride on -

• house ownership - are you on deeds? Going to be harder to get 50/50 if not!
• if you aren't paying regular bills then your credit rating will be a bit rubbish you should really have at least one or two come through your ac - might affect your ability to get a mortgage in future otherwise
• are you named on his life insurance/pension etc policies or are his kids?
• wills?! Is he leaving his half to his kids or you or all 5 kids equally? If you die will your share go to him then eventually his kids?
• as your two get older they'll get more expensive - who will pay?
• if he died could you access his accounts to pay the mortgage ahd bills in the short/immediate term?!
• how he treats his kids is how he'll treat your joint ones as they grow - think about this

Oh and be nicer to people pointing out that your husband sounds horrible - he really does!!

Ahd what's more are you on mortgage? if he walked out on you and defaulted on payments would you know/could you pay them from your ac or would/could he trigger the house to sold from underneath your feet?

Sounds like he's learnt a lot from his first divorce and is protecting himself beautifully financially with you. You're in a very weak position

I bet you wish you hadn't asked, OP.

The most important thing here, in my opinion, is to make sure you are not doing anything to make his kids uncomfortable. I don't think anyone can advise you how to discuss this with your husband, which seems like the only reasonable course of action. But however you approach it with him, it is vital that you not make any under-the-breath comments to his kids about what they eat, how much they eat, what it costs, who pays for it, or how cheap their dad is. They are already caught between their parents. They do not need to feel like they are caught up in your marital issues too. And they do not need to feel guilty about wanting to, uh, EAT. So please make sure that any conversation or mutterings of same do not take place when they are in the house. You don't want to make them feel unwanted in your home, because then you will have an even bigger problem. As for your husband, tell him outright that he needs to consider feeding his kids EOW as part of his financial responsibility to them and to that end put £35 per week in your account on a standing order to cover it so you don't have to keep reminding him.

set up that direct debit and if you can afford it , put it in a saving account . One day you might be the ex , and it could be your kids he's avoiding feeding ,and you might need every penny you've got .
He sounds a worrying partner

Watch out OP - I had and am divorcing someone who sounds just like your H. Be very wary of not paying into a mortgage and only covering consumables like groceries especially if he has form! And absolutely he should be paying for his own children. Don't sign anything legal that he asks you to without independent legal advice and keep records of everything you put in..... you may need it.

"Other than this huge character flaw (which I detest) he is a great dad..."

No. He's a shit dad.
Lesson one on day one of How to be a Father is 'Feed Your Kids'

PS make sure you are on the mortgage and go to land registry website and set alert on your property so you know if things get tough if he plans to transfer the deeds to anyone else - seriously! It may sound harsh but I thought I was doing he right think with a very similar situation by just putting up and shutting up...thought he was just stung by previous divorce.... bet you are really wishing you hadn't asked the original question!!

He sounds tight op.

He is not tight That is not a strong enough word. He is financially abusive.