To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

You are clearly in denial about how bad this is.

What is the plan if something bad befalls you? Eg you lose your job, or you get really ill? Are you all going to starve.

I just do not get it!!! You're MARRIED. You SHARE money!!! You are a TEAM!! Not two housemates with a couple of kids! You live weirdly. I don't know anyone ever who has finances like this with their husband or wife.

A great dad doesn't begrudge paying for his children

You can kidding yourself OP, but he is absolutely not a great dad.

A real tight Arse is when your ex comes round and generously offers to pay for DD's weekly bus ticket for college, .......his contribution to maintenance! I didn't need any as I was working!

Well his excuse was he was paying towards other DD's university costs. But then the ex then asked DD for the change ! DD told him where to go in no uncertain terms and stormed off. The 'change' he wanted was 50p!

Can you set an 'online shop' of the same items that you have delivered the day before the sdc arrive? Set the account up.in his name with his debit card details. Fill your 'basket' with enough to feed them. Then the next time all you have to do is select the option to repeat the order and enter the 3 digit security number on his card. He will know exactly how much he needs to budget for and you will only have you have the 'can you please pay to feed your kids' argument once. I do understand what it is like. My dh isn't tight fisted, just had unreasonable expectations of what things cost. He balks at paying more than £10 for any item of clothing. Dd has long, narrow feet and shoe shopping for her gives him palpitations as we simply can not scrimp or buy supermarket/clothes shop versions because they do not fit and she ends up with blisters. He would have had her wear 'extra thick socks' rather than pay Clarks prices. However, a few years on he now realises I won't budge on getting her decent shoes so has stopped moaning!

I think you have it just right loulou. Money is obviously not a huge issue for you and you've got a system in place which works well for the big difference in attitude to money which you and your dh have.
You've hopefully got your niggle over his dc sorted out to your satisfaction.
Time to ignore all those who say your dh is a crap dad. The only person who knows what kind of dad and husband he is, is you.

He's due you nearly £11k and you're not distressed by it? Really? Let me guess, you buy his kids all their gifts, too?

I'm really confused by men who pay the minimum when they can afford more because the ex wife "doesn't need it". First of all it's not for her, it's for the kids and secondly...so if you were still married, you would put aside the absolute bare minimum you could get away with for clothes and food for your kids (unless you're OP's husband of course, in which case food is optional) and then refuse any further penny after that? Because you could give your kids a better life and opportunities, but they don't "need" anything past the very least required to keep them alive?

I am afraid that not putting his hand in his pocket and supporting his kids, and feeding them, and paying for them, and paying the bare minimum, makes him a crap dad, and a rubbish husband, for expecting you to do what he's supposed to do. That is a major dealbreaker. You have paid an awful lot of your money for his kids, he owes you 11K, for his children's upkeep. What will he say if you ask him for it?

Op, my point is that you don't seem upset by his morally questionable behaviour which you euphemistically call 'tight fisted'. What's your view on his lack of morals??? How can you still love him??

Yes, he needs to cough up!

If you are the one who physically shops, yes I can see how he is getting around this/possibly justifying it to himself. However, it is not an acceptable state. So fair enough, you are in supermarket, be efficient, but he needs to stump up the cash. He needs to set up a SO, £70 or whatever, to transfer for every weekend. To deny you this would be very dishonourable after he is asked outright.

I have no delusions that DH would be any more generous with me should we divorce. However, I'm legally entitled to half the equity in the house and I am financially independent ( I own another property have savings, some investments, decent job, minimal debt) so his behaviour in the event of a split is not a major concern for me because I could and would be able look after my kids by myself if need be

Erm, hate to burst the divorce bubble but you are not 'legally entitled' to anything. I mean you will get something but 50/50 is a myth. You may well get more. Or less. Just don't count on anything.

I'd say that you pay for the normal stuff, anything extra when it comes to his kids he puts on a credit card upon can both use and he pays ..... unless you earn bags more cash than he earns!????

I think the reason why most of us are so shocked by this is that "only paying bare minimum towards kids even though he could easily afford more" is a complete deal breaker. At least it would be for me.

Imagine if I said "My Dh likes murdering puppies. Apart from that trait (which I detest) he is a good husband, father and pet owner." Am guessing you would be thinking "WTF?!?!?!"

It is more than just a trait - it is about who he is.

Feed all re kids as normal. Don't feed DH. Tell him it's because you're clawing back the money he won't pay out.

But he is not a great dad, he is not paying for basics, nor by the sounds of it, presents and treats either, you are.

Of course the DC love him and they have fun, because you are smoothing the path! What did he do before you came along? Being tight-fisted is really not an attractive trait.

I don't understand how you could see how tight fisted he was with his own children to then go on and have children with him!
Doesn't matter how much money his ex has he should want to provide for his kids. If my partner was tight with providing financially and food wise for his kids I wouldn't want any with him. If you split up he'll probably try and worm his way out of paying a fair share of child support.

TBH, some men are manipulative, and it seems like your DH is one of them OP. He knows exactly what he's doing, and has come to realise that you will continue paying out for his kids, and he is more than happy to let you. I always think you are treated as you allow yourself to be treated, and unless you tell him firmly he needs to step up and pay for his DC, he clearly doesn't feel any moral obligation to do so himself. You shouldn't have to play games like just buy enough food to last until his DCs arrive etc; you should be able to stand up to him and tell him to stop being such an arse, and to get extra food in eow. He is insulting your intelligence OP.

I would be very interested in his reaction if you did ask him for the £11k back. I am sure that his excuses for not paying you back would be very illuminating.

She's not going to ask him for the money. She thinks a man who doesn't buy his kids a fucking Easter egg, food for their visits, back to school stuff and who begrudges them the cost of a day out is a 'great dad' and defends a person who took her for over £11k when he won't let her away with a penny.

He landed on his feet with you, OP!

Fucking hell. What a catch

It's food. For kids. then why can't he buy food? Like any good dad/husband would?
People aren't haven't a go at you op.
Does it not say something that nearly everyone on here has said that these are not signs of a good dad?
You can be loving, but if begrudge buying things for your kids, especially the essentials, then no, you are not a good parent.

When you say you are 'spendy' - do you spend roughly the same each month on stuff like clothes for DCs, toys, food - and is it affordable? If so, you could transfer that to the joint account monthly, then things for the DCs/house comes from that, stuff for you comes from your account which is your spending on stuff you find 'fun'. (It might actually help you see what you are spending on yourself vs the family and if you need to...)

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man paying the bare minimum to keep his DCs when he can afford more - that's like someone saying "Yes, I earn £4k a month, but the bills, food and stuff for our children are £1.5k a month and my wife earns £2k, so it's fine for her to pay most of it and I'll just give her £50 each month, because she doesn't need it."

If he can afford it, why wouldn't he want to pay for his fair share of keeping his kids? He's also letting you keep his DCs when they are staying with you - he doesn't see his children as his responsibility. If he can get someone else to deal with the costs, he will.

Cheapness is really selfishness, and people are rarely only selfish in one part of their lives.

Get a grip yourself mombie

Hes pays the bare minimum even though he can easily afford more etc... equals deadbeat.