To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

I don't know how these men look themselves in the mirror. These dc are 50% theirs how is it they feel able to step back and let women shoulder the financial burden of their kids? It doesn't stand up to any sort of examination.

Also, I too have three kids aged 13-16 and yes, they do eat a lot!

Well at least it isn't just my ExH who is unfeasibly tightfisted eh. Unless you married him. This is just the sort of stunt he used to pull

My ExH started on a campaign of trying to ensure I bought all car fuel. He would ask to borrow my car, I could swap for his for a few days. I would get in his and find so little fuel in it you would struggle to get to a petrol station. He would use my car, and when I got it back, it would of course have so little fuel in it that it was a struggle to make it to the petrol station. This happened on a few occasions on the trot until I said no, and told him exactly why. He tried everything to avoid paying for stuff. Go to cinema, queue for tickets, and he would suddenly need the loo, leaving you to pay for tickets. I had got fed up and blatantly called him out on it. I think this is why he left me, I was no longer a cash cow. He also tried his best to steal as much as possible during divorce.
His current girlfriend (could be you OP 😐) says he's right fisted...

Tight fisted! Although right fisted is surely a euphemism, and an accurate one at that...

Most women are really turned off by meanness and miserliness. I'm genuinely interested to know what attracted you to him, OP.

Christ. Good luck for the future, OP. I have a feeling you're going to need it.

He saw you coming a mile away.

This lady has had kids with the guy why be so judgemental and rude? Way to blame the poor woman, not sisterly or remotely supportive. My other half is tight fisted too but not to the same degree. It's also not unusual for men to be selfish as the majority of them have been raised that way, it's our shitty job as women to try and undo that behavior. I say blame the man not the woman!

PS. I have helped support my step daughter for the last 11 years. I figured we were family and didn't question it. I would have expected the same if the situation had been reversed.

You say that he thinks you're being mean. Does Scrooge McScrooge of the Scrooge Clan not see that he's the mean one, not wanting to spend any money on his own children? He's getting a free ride, and you're enabling him. Make sure he's with you when you go grocery shopping, and tell him he's paying. One of my first questions would be - what does he do with all of this extra money he's not spending? I'd make sure I got a look at his bank statements to check he's not doing something else with it (I have a suspicious mind; my ex-husband tried to shaft me left, right and centre over money during our divorce. Thankfully a friend convinced me to fight it every step of the way, and now now his child maintenance payments go directly to a court, and the court then pays me - if he fails to pay, he gets arrested. So, I know a little about men not wanting to pay towards the upbringing of their own flesh and blood).

I guess the main thing here is: are you genuinely happy? If so, then I wish you all the best and hope that you can find a solution asap. Ask yourself this though: if a friend came to you and told you that her DH was acting the way yours does (as described in your original post), what would your advice to her be?

Say tonight we are going out for pizza and get him to pay.
I think you seriously need to speak to him.

Womama It's also not unusual for men to be selfish as the majority of them have been raised that way, it's our shitty job as women to try and undo that behavior.

Stereotyping much, about both men and women? Where's your evidence that the majority of men "have been raised that way"? And why on earth is it a woman's job to fix it?? Fuck that. I was not put on this earth to fix someone else's broken moral compass, nor they mine, for that matter. By all means choose to do so, but that's exactly what it is. A choice. Not a fucking job. Ugh.

Seriously re-read your post.....where's the partnership here?? Where's the we are a unit?? Where's his respect and more importantly where is YOUR self respect?? How can you even be remotely satisfied with this kind of arrangement and I use the word 'arrangement' because this is not a marriage of equals to me it's a do as I say or no way..but it's ok because he's always been mean with money......withholding finances is a term of abuse and is about power and control.....how can you even find that way of living acceptable is beyond me....I'm literally lost for words....feed the kids but starve him....problem solved...

The thing that gets to me about all this is that you see the seven of you as "us". He sees himself as "me" and the rest of you as "them".

Don't kid yourself, he knows you're paying for children who aren't yours, and he's been seeing how long he could get away with it for. That you don't begrudge food is neither here nor there (most of us consider that normal in a family), but HE has been seeing it as a cost he can pass off onto you. He is taking advantage of your fondness for his children to shirk his own responsibilities.

Put it this way: switch money for time. Imagine his DC came to you EOW and he left the house for material and significant parts of the weekend, leaving you to do the cooking, ferrying, entertaining, thinking, cleaning, feeding, shopping, emotional support etc. Does that seem normal to you? Or the actions of a good father? Would you consider a mother doing the same thing a good mother?

suggest he spends some time with his step kids to bond more and take your common kids to visit your parents so he can have more personal time with his step kids.

Then don't shop just before, see what he does?

Don't you find it a little hurtful that he has financially exploited you to the tune of £11,000?

Surely it's worse than a bit irritating?

It's not like he's forgetful is it? He is just happy to let you pick up the tab.

When married to someone who has these issues with money you need to have a Plan B for a worst case scenario should there be a divorce in future. If the matrimonial home was purchased whilst you were married then your agreement to contribute in other ways will not deprive you of a half share in that on divorce -- posters are wrong about that. However what is important is to keep your own property investment separate. Pay for it via a separate account, never let him contribute, never let him use the other property as a home, put the shares in trust for the kids, etc. That way should push come to shove, you can argue that your investments are non matrimonial. Get your will sorted out now and check whether you have a joint tenancy or a tenancy in common on the home so that should he predecease you, you know what is going to happen to his share in your home. I would suggest it is a good use of your money to go and have a consultation with a good family lawyer, not to plan for divorce but to get your finances sorted out for should it or something like it happen to you. Then, you can be comforted by the fact that you too are capable of being thrifty and money-minded but it is done with the best interests of your dependants at heart. You have to take a leaf out of his book and make sure that his decision to keep things separate, benefits both sides of the bargain. Good luck with this OP and I agree with the other posters that people who are mean with money are also mean with love.

You say you can deal with it now. However, if your financial circumstances were to take an unfortunate turn and you had to rely on him for money..... honestly, how would you cope with his meanness? Somehow, I think one day, this will get the better of you and you won't be as tolerating and understanding as you are now.
The bottom line is for a man, showing his love for his family is by being a good provider. The fact your DH doesn't want to freely make sure his kids are looked after, is very disturbing.

I can seriously understand these people who are asking 'why did you breed with this man'? He's not just tightfisted, he's mean. It sounds as if he has a very loose understanding of what his responsibilities are to his children. And what happens if you split, will he pay the minimum to you and expect the next woman to pay for your kids food when they visit.

Sorry but YANBU but your husband is. Big time!

Also, I don't understand the arrangement you have, I couldn't live that way...but then I know that wasn't what the post was about.

Don't think the OP cares about this anymore - she's got £150 to feed the kids when they come over, and is obviously otherwise happy with her tight husband. We might not be, but I guess we all make our choices/compromises (I apply that to the fellas as well). Kids might be upset though if they ever found out their dad didn't really give enough of a poop to feed them without prompting. Love, commitment, food and shelter is all part of being a parent, why does he get to pick and choose which of those requirements he fulfils?

Is it worth sitting down and having a chat about finances in general now that your circumstances have changed since your original discussion? Maybe you could have a pot that you both pay into for things like holidays and then you could talk about things like groceries as well?X x X

tbh that level of meanness is pathological. He should be talking to someone about it - it is probably something in his childhood but that doesn't give him a free pass at being a decent human being.

My dh isnt so much tight as thrifty but even that can be frustrating. He gets cross if i spend more than a fiver on a haircut. I dont drink, smoke, we have 3 kids so i don't go out. So a fancy haircut every once in a while is a luxurious treat. Last haircut was in July. I look a bloody fright but have had joint custody of daughters nits since september so i darent go for haircut. Nit free since December.

I dont know what to suggest because although dh is tight where the kids are concerned it different. Every now and then i educate him about stuff eg kids shoes. He insisted on sports direct crap school shoes for £4 when ds1 started school. Within 4 days ds1 couldnt walk, was complain g about knees, shooting pains etc. Took him to clarks, paid £35 and almost instant relief.

And if all that fails, i tell tales on hime to his mum and sisters so they all gant up on him

Lou - take comfort in the fact that tapping into the power of mnet to back up your accurate and instinctive feeling that the financial situation you asked for advice for did need to change.

Well done you for simply sorting it out so that both you and your DH are in agreement and happy with the outcome.

As for the rest of the frankly quite abusive and completely unfounded comments posted on this thread - I'm astonished people can still be so judgemental - and sadly I guess they judge themselves so severely too.