To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

I think Worra's idea is good.

I'm the tightfisted one in my family although no where near the level of the OP's DH. It comes from my childhood where money was such an issue (well lack of it) I learned that spending money was wrong. It's something I've learned to deal with but to be fair to the OPs DH it probably runs deeper than just a character flaw. Perhaps he needs to actually think about and deal with why he is so tightfisted.

Definitely do worra's direct debit idea.

Your fault for marrying a tight fucker. That's really bad why do you put up with it?

What happens to your financial arrangements when the morgage is paid off? Does he just pay bills while you pay everything else? & do you get stuck paying all the costs of uni bills etc?

Genuinely interested, not judging. I have a similar ish arrangent with dh, only neither of us are tight at all, which is why I thought it worked.

Agree with shopping on Monday. & couldn't the kids meals plan& l & dh go shopping with them so on the Fri night/sat morning so they can choose everything they want to eat & he pays?

Does he pay for them if you go out for a family meal or take them on holiday ?

Wobbly I haven't thought that far ahead !

What a catch he resents paying for the three children he already had... so you had two more with him... okay...

Given he agreed to pay costs for the older DC yanbu but this is what you get for being with a tight bastard.

Baby yes, although he doesn't do that very often on account of the tightness

I second the direct debit agreement - every two weeks for an average amount of what you spend on his kids (obviously only you know that).

He sounds like a great dad / man, just with strange views over money - is money tight for him or did he grow up with money being very tight in his family?

•Why did you breed with him?•
She isn't the only one, tomorrow, he had five kids !

The one piece of my mothers advice I listened to was ,never marry a man who is mean with money.

What happens if you lose your job or become ill and can't pay your share of expenses OP ?

Man I need to learn how to read and not skip lines!

Definitely, direct debit or sit down and chat about how family finances are split again. I totally would insist that he paid half of exams and holidays though!

'Other than this huge character flaw (which I detest) he is a great dad, he gives them loads of attention, all of his time etc etc.'

That doesn't make him a 'great dad', a parent is supposed to do this! He won't change his attitude towards money, he's gone through 2 wives and 5 kids and still hasn't.

Set up a direct debit. He doesn't agree to that, then you don't bother replenishing and leave the house for the weekend.

Since you don't appear to have a joint account for groceries then no, YANBU to get him to reimburse you for food that his DC have eaten, particularly as THIS WAS YOUR AGREEMENT on marriage. Three teenagers will definitely eat a lot and they're his kids, not yours, so he should pay.

And yes, get reimbursed for what you've paid out.

Lou I would think about it if you can. Money is a really emotional thing to most people. Me &dh are wasteful spenders, impulse buyers, but neither of us care much for status or material objects(like brands, expensive cars etc) so it works fine for us we don't share money. It's all family money to us, I say I need this much this month he give mes me it, he says we are wasting too much money one month & I try not to splurge much. But if something happened to either of our income sources we would pitch in & figure it out without it being a fight for us. & I guess if your dh has a very different emotional response to money that may cause difficulties for you in future. Good luck sorting it all out.

He honestly isn't a great dad if he doesn't adequately financially support his children

Man, I hope you never get sick or have to give up work.

Because all your mumsnet bravado is going to look really silly when your loser of a DH is in control of all your finances.

He seems to think I'm being mean

Hmm. Your whole financial set-up is predicated on HIM being a tight-fisted old miser, but YOU have to pay out extra to avoid being seen as mean?

And be as firm as he is. 'No, I'm not being mean. You are. You're due me £70 (or whatever it is until you're completely reimbursed for what you've paid out, although I hope you've already recouped this). Need a direct debit from now on or I won't replenish at all.'

And then walk the walk.

It sounds like he's chuckling away to himself thinking he's got one over on you . What does he do with all the money he saves by not feeding his kids? Is it in a retirement fund? Or does he buy himself lovely expensive toys?

Arrange to be out with your two for the weekend the stepkids are there if he doesn't agree to the direct debit or to do the shop himself and then leave him to it.

Shop in iceland

I couldn't be with a man like this, and I certainly wouldn't have had children with him. Those poor children, knowing their father values them so little.

Shop nowhere unless he pays for it first. Another idea would be to replenish but he needs to hand over his card to pay for an online shop. I agree, poor kids.

He's not 'forgetting' shit, he's being a fucking miser.

Have you got the money you've laid out back yet?

NO more of this shit! Get the money back pronto. Then you say, 'I know what you're up to. I don't know what I'm more pissed off about, what a skinflint you are with your own kids or that you think I'm stupid enough you can bilk me when you're coining it in but either way, it stops now. I won't shop for them again without payment up front or you do an online order with your own card details. You let me know your choice by Monday or I'm going to presume you will do an online shop off your own back.'

And then leave it. Do nothing and arrange to be out of the house the next weekend he has his kids.

They're old enough to have the measure of him.