To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

you feel mean spirited for asking for money to feed HIS kids? how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

he's doing so well out of this deal.

I have been with my partner for 14 years we have 4 children and we have always put our money together. I know women even after having children their husbands or boyfriends behaving in the same way only £50 to £100 a week they give to their partners. Relationships is a partnership its a business and if its not run properly it will collapse.

KJPxx in what world do you think it's fair for you for him to have £900 disposable income and you to have a £100?

Have you no instinct for self-preservation, KJPxx?

The problem is is that you don't see his money as your money as well, it's meant to be family money. You have to get that addressed before having any children with this man.

KJP,
It's not a question of us being quick to judge.

You have given us the number and based purely on that, we are horrified. Surely you can appreciate the figure are, well, somewhat skewed in favour of your partner?!

Sorry OP you asked MN for an opinion so you're going to get it. I think your set up is horrendous and I don't know anyone who could live like that. It's totally unfair. Tell him he needs to pay for his kids or I'm afraid you are a door mat. He sounds like a terrible husband. Sorry but money matters. It doesn't sound like he's caring for you and in my book that's not loving you properly. Hope you sort it out x

IMO OP, most people have character flaws (I have many) and being tight doesn't make your DH a bad father despite what pp might say. Only his children can make that judgement.

Glad you've come to an arrangement.

I'm sure this guy would never have married you if you weren't so financially well off, generous, and willing to completely finance your own (and his?) children. Same with his first wife.

If you want to stay with a man like this, start protecting yourself. Ask for that 11k, suggest a joint account for food, presents etc for his kids. Ask for more than you spend.

Then start doing the tricks of tight wads. Forget your wallet, credit card, at key moments when you are out together, so he has to step up. . Make him pay for things he wasn't planning to also by saying, oh, I'm running low on funds this month, can I borrow 500£... And never pay him back (I'll just deduct that from the 20k you owe me for food and presents for your kids). This to make it clear you are not going to be a chump any more.

Once he gets it that you aren't going to be a bank for him indefinitely, the relationship might suffer. He might start unconsciously searching for another mug. Might be a good moment to get him into counseling. His miserliness is extreme. He can't be a good father and behave like this, and what kind of example for his children? Money matters more than feeding his own children? Sounds like the kind of person that could end up committing fraud etc. a woman I know has a husband in jail now... He had a super 500k annually job but he made suppliers give him kickbacks and got caught. He was greedy but not a miser. And if yours is like this now, it is likely To get worse when he is older and feels less in control. Another friends father was like this, but not quite as extreme as your husband. All his kids hated him in the end. None of his sons would speak to him.

A psychologist once told me that generosity is a character trait there from birth. She described a person who is not generous with money will not be generous of spirit. They do not enjoy giving just for the sake of it. It's not just money this trait will seep into every part of the person, they will not freely give anything whether it's time, friendship etc unless they can see they get something from it. I honestly think it's probably the worst character trait I could imagine living with. I also can't imagine how a mean person can be giving in other areas of their life

'PMSL that you point the finger at posters and not at a man who is so financially abusive he won't pay for his kids fucking FOOD when they stay with him, or buy them an Easter egg, or back to school stuff.'

Unlike some I'm not pointing the finger at anyone. The OP didn't ask whether we all think she should be married to this man, she simply asked if she was being unreasonable not wanting to pay for his kids.

I think we all agree the answer is NO and she shouldn't do it. The state of her marriage is a whole other issue.

Good luck when/if his eldest goes to university, followed by the next DC and then the next DC. Potentially that's three at Uni at the same time!

Maybe it's time to start talking to him about what financial contribution he's going to make then?

I have no delusions that DH would be any more generous with me should we divorce. However, I'm legally entitled to half the equity in the house and I am financially independent ( I own another property have savings, some investments, decent job, minimal debt) so his behaviour in the event of a split is not a major concern for me because I could and would be able look after my kids by myself if need be

So if you divorce, OP, won't you have to give him half of your other property and savings?

Just ask him for cash upfront.

Strange arrangement though.

DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc.

My ex paid the mortgage and the phone. I was responsible for everything else - from food shopping to utilities to pet insurance to buying things for the kids. He earned over £40,000 pa, I was a SAHM looking after HIS kids. I gave up work to look after HIS kids, but I had to live off my savings (from the sale of MY house so I had money to live on) to provide for the DC. When I left him I had fuck all left. Literally under £200.

So yes, your DH sounds a lot like my ex. I am glad to hear you are financially secure, but just hope it stays that way.

And if all the bills are in his name, and worse comes to worst, you'll battle to find another house to buy/rent, as you won't have any bills with your name on them.

It would be good idea to set up a joint account where you both transfer plenty of funds to pay for mortgage, bills, food, holidays, days out, clothes. That way there need not be any discussion and it is dealt with. Also set up joint saving for DCs university. You are living day to day with your partner with no proper life commitment and plan in place by the sound of it even though you both have plenty of money.

KJP you yourself stated the figures for us to comment on making it clear you're not sharing and there's a huge imbalance. You are left in poverty while your partner has £900 in his pocket paying only a third of the costs why aren't you at least paying 50:50 at least that way you'd have £300 left and he'd still have £600 which though still unfair is much less so.

Surely generosity goes hand-in-hand with kindness? I genuinely believe if you're tight and mean with money, you're probably mean in other ways, too.

Being married to that sort of person must be hard-going.

Why would the children 'know' this?

Apologies...should have added more to make sense?

Why would the children 'know' that their father does not value them?

Some harsh judgements on this thread!!

You love him. Stingy doesn't even begin to describe a man that wouldn't feed his children. Could you send him to counselling?

What the hell? sorry but he needs a kick up the arse! He had those children and he should step up! I was expecting an 'evil step mother post' but it seems like you are the one caring about these children and he needs to grow up and step up. It's one thing being tight with money but it's not like they are wanting gold plated BMW's it's food.

I agree with conssnsus here- he needs to pay up, make due cupboards bare when steps arrive. If he needs to order in, he will begin to feel it in wallet.
I emphasise. In my experience, the wealthiest people are the most mean. My ex- does not pay s penny towards our son. I could take him to court, to get pennies as he's hidden his assets. It never fails to shock me how some men can absolve themselves of any responsibility. In the end, I walked away.

He sounds like a terrible husband, but consolation is you can see why he's somebody else's x. There's usually a bleedin obvious reason, but some seem to miss it, or think they'll change.
Buy him some condoms before he fathers anymore and refuse to pay for his dc, they are not your responsibility.
See if he'll let them starve, or bother to tep up instead of treating you like a door mat.

Tell him you know he's busy with work and never has time to get the food in for them, so you are happy to buy extra when you shop but he'll need to transfer some money into your account each month to cover it. If he sets up a direct debit, it will just be like another bill leaving his account so he's unlikely to find it as difficult as he would physically handing over the cash. (I have family members like this and I imagine he isn't just tight but has a real psychological problem with spending money.)