To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

Sorry for lack of paragraphs. I copied and pasted.

He sounds extremely tight fisted, sorry but that is not an attractive trait in a partner & not something I could or would tolerate.

My, he's tight, isn't he?

However unusual your financial arrangement may be for a married couple, I can see why you've arranged it like that. He's effectively refusing to feed his own children.

What a man.

Or make sure there is a minimal amount of food available eow so he has to start buying them food directly and he can see for himself how much they eat, as he seems to be turning a blind eye atm.

He sounds tight and v unreasonable.

Buy your food on a Monday and only buy enough to last until the step children arrive so the cupboards are empty. Tell him he has to shop for the weekend and you will reimburse him for your share.

make sure the cupboards are empty and leave the house when they arrive.

This man has 5 kids and doesn't feed any of them? jeez!

Presumably you're usually the one buying food etc - can you arrange that supplies are getting a bit low before they visit - then it's jis responsibility to get an extra food shop done before they come. Maybe easier than getting reimbursement afterwards.

Ask him for money to go and do a food shop just before his kids arrive. He can't complain then (surely?) or if he does then you can say 'you need to feed your kids'

Yep id make sure the cupboards were empty just to see what would happen. Then I'd have a conversation about it when he realises.

Buy your food on a Monday and only buy enough to last until the step children arrive so the cupboards are empty. Tell him he has to shop for the weekend and you will reimburse him for your share.

This.

He sounds horrible!

Why did you marry him?

I know this isn't helpful, but I literally couldn't live like that. MN has a 'thing' about family money because it's extremely important. If you aren't willing to push for it then you should ask for more grocery money for sure but I think the conversation should be bigger - about properly sharing your finances.

Why are you with this man? Seriously?

He doesn't want to pay for any of his children. That's hardly a ringing endorsement of him. I'd stop worrying about the stepkids and start thinking of how you plan on feeding your kids in 5 years when he decides it's too expensive to pay the mortgage.

Let him get the groceries from now on and pay your bit.

More than that though, why did you breed with him?

"He's effectively refusing to feed his own children."

This ^^. What redeeming qualities does he have?

Get him to set up a direct debit, then you don't need to discuss it again.

I just couldn't cope with this. In this house we both share the costs of children equally, his and mine. I actually pay the maintenance for his DD from my account but he pays for stuff for my DD (who lives with us) as much as I do.

Your partner sounds really selfish.

The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money

How is this man attractive to you? He sounds incredibly selfish

Yes he is very tight fisted!! Other than this huge character flaw (which I detest) he is a great dad, he gives them loads of attention, all of his time etc etc. I just wish we he'd change his stinking attitude about money.

We've found a way to work around it with most things but I really resent being out of pocket for the SDC but also don't want to upset them.

Tomorrow, why did I 'breed with him" excuse me??

Worra that's a good idea! Thanks

I'd sort of be wondering about breeding with someone like that too to be fair, OP.

I'd rather live with a grumpy arse than someone that tight fisted.

I agree about the breeding unless you fell very quickly pregnant you could see how he treats his ex wife due to childmaintanace and that he didn't care enough to buy groceries for his own children; so why have children with him?

Why are you with him?

What kind of woman values a deadbeat dad?