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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

286 replies

Loulou0 · 26/03/2017 14:02

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

OP posts:
budgiegirl · 26/03/2017 15:17

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex

This would worry me more than anything. That is NOT being a great dad. It would concern me that his money is more important to hime than his children. He pays as little as he can get away with to his ex wife. He doesn't pay for his own kids when they stay with you.

A direct debit will solve the problem short term, but you need to sit him down and explain how his attitude to money is causing resentment. Maybe he needs to get some counselling to work out why he is so mean. Does he have a fear of having no money for example? It must be very difficult to live with for you.

Wellitwouldbenice · 26/03/2017 15:20

A man who doesn't want to pay to feed his own kids and pays the absolute minimum in maintenance is not just 'tight fisted' Hmm There are many, many words I could use to describe him... Good luck for the future op, you may well need it.

Guitargirl · 26/03/2017 15:25

The fact that he's paying only the minimum in maintenance, despite being able to afford more, AND expects you to put your hand in your pocket to cover his financial responsibilities towards his own children when he has them makes for an absolutely shite father IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2017 15:30

His children, his responsibility. You shop for what you need in the week, when they come, and there is nothing, take him to the fridge and show him, "oh dear there is nothing for your children in the fridge, you need to go to Tescos, or Morrisons now and fill up the fridge for them"! Don't keep doing it for him or he will not do it, force him to take responsibility. I am afraid that is a massive flaw to him, and one that could rock your relationship. You have seen how he is with maintaince towards his ex, and how he does not feed his kids when they come, big alarm bells op.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2017 15:34

Op, he doesn't forget to stock up on groceries, he does not want to, so you can can pay.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/03/2017 15:36

Jam and bread next time they visit.

They will go home to dm twisting like hell and I doubt she will be understanding that he doesn't feed his dc!!
Is his middle name Ebenezer?

BeachyKeen · 26/03/2017 15:37

This guy sound like a dick.

christinarossetti · 26/03/2017 15:37

Your financial arrangements are your own concern, but what is your status in regard to where you live IE is it jointly owned or rented?

Mombie2016 · 26/03/2017 15:38

How is OPs DH a "deadbeat"? Confused

My ExH doesn't pay a penny in child support and has chosen not to see our baby son. That's a deadbeat. Ffs. Get a grip.

HermioneJeanGranger · 26/03/2017 15:39

He's mean, tightfisted and unpleasant. He pays the absolute minimum in child support, despite being able to afford more, and thinks his new wife should pay to feed his kids twice a month because he doesn't want to spend his money on them Hmm

He is certainly not a good dad. I wish you luck in the future - especially when your kids are teenagers and start costing a fortune and he refuses to support them.

SingingSilver · 26/03/2017 15:41

Get him to set up a dd into your bank account - £150 a month.

And do not let Mr Tight tell you anything about your attitude to money given that he is the cause of your financial set-up.

Saracen · 26/03/2017 15:44

Does he acknowlege that paying for his kids was the agreement he had with you? What reason does he give for going back on that agreement now?

If you are willing and happy to be the one doing the food shopping then he needs to put a standing order in place to you for an appropriate amount each fortnight, so you won't be having a discussion every time. Get him to agree to this, then when you do the next food shop for his kids, show him the receipt and ensure he reimburses you what he owes for past weeks/months/years as well as setting up a standing order.

I don't see how he justifies the idea that you are being mean for asking him to stick to his agreement.

SingingSilver · 26/03/2017 15:45

He is certainly not a good dad. I wish you luck in the future - especially when your kids are teenagers and start costing a fortune and he refuses to support them.

That's a good point. Small children don't cost much. When they start requesting expensive clothing and gadgets, eat a lot more, and have umpteen activities to do, and then driving lessons, college, etc, the OP might find a large financial disparity develops.

You need to address this OP. If his issues have root in childhood poverty or something similar, CBT counselling may help.

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata · 26/03/2017 15:46

Stick a piece of coal up his arse and be there a week later to catch the diamond before he does

Underthemoonlight · 26/03/2017 15:48

What an odd set up on both sides surely the kids are just part of the family and you shop accordingly this is why family money should come into play to prevent resentment.

Berthatydfil · 26/03/2017 15:51

It works out roughly equal.

This won't work long term.

The baby and toddler don't eat much at the moment. This will increase as they get older. Childcare - this will change as they get older start school etc. Holidays - variable depending where you go etc but will get more expensive as the dc grow up and need rooms etc or their own seat on a plane.
Food babies/ toddlers don't eat anything like as much as an adult but teens can and may even eat more.
The mortgage will get paid off at some point. The (very minimal) child maintenance will stop in a few years as they are teens.

Long term it doesn't sound very fair to me.

I think you need to add this all up and put it in a joint account which you both pay into, depending on your incomes, him paying more to account for his teens food.

TheRollingCrone · 26/03/2017 15:51

Fuck me! Two things I can't abide; A mean man, and an honest mirror!

These children are loved by you both, but he needs to throw a wedge in.

Some men would peel an orange in their pocket, if you'd let them!

Universitychallenging · 26/03/2017 15:52

Thing is. How Is the op supposed to let the cupboards be empty? She has herself and a baby and toddler t feed.

You need to talk to him op and change the arrangement since the current one isn't working

TitaniasCloset · 26/03/2017 15:55

He sounds like a nightmare, I cannot abide tightfisted people.

Definitely set up a dd.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2017 15:55

'Thing is. How Is the op supposed to let the cupboards be empty? She has herself and a baby and toddler t feed. '

By just buying for them and some ready meals for herself as the time draws near.

Huskylover1 · 26/03/2017 16:01

I think this is quite simple to solve. Don't have a stocked fridge/cupboards when the step kids come. When you find yourself peering in to an empty fridge on the first night, declare "wow there's not much in, it looks like Dad will be springing for Pizza/Chinese/Indian tonight guys", then fling all the menu's out, let them pick and order it. Have no cash at home, meaning he has to pay. Guaranteed by the next night he will have stocked the fridge with supermarket food.

ChuckDaffodils · 26/03/2017 16:02

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

And this didn't alert you to the situation? Are you saying that if you had a joint account he would knowingly and with you approving, financially abuse you by not allowing you to spend your own money?

QuiteLikely5 · 26/03/2017 16:03

Absolutely ridiculous situation.

If the man was a good one he would know that money makes people happy and that he is in possession of that!

I suspect you have only remained so calm about it because you didn't mind he was being tight fisted with his ex and his kids - well wake up - he is greedy to the point that he doesn't even want to buy food for his children!!!!!

He's a waste of space - if he is too greedy to feed his kids then you better take off your rose tinted glasses!

Of course he is happy to pay for the mortgage and bills! It shows the world that he is brilliant and that he lives in s wonderful house but he is so abusive that he can't bear to pay for his children's food!

FrenchLavender · 26/03/2017 16:04

I really could not have married and had children with someone like this. I would depress the hell out of me.

Sorry, that doesn't solve your problem though, because unfortunately you did. You are just going to have to let rip and him, or fight fire with fire. Stop stockpiling food and cater/budget only for what your family need before the DSC arrive, then go food shopping again after they've left. Keep all but the most basic store cupboard foods to a minimum so you can give them something cheap and simple like spaghetti with pesto or a jacket potato and beans on the evening they arrive and then pointedly say in front of him and the children 'Dad will have to nip out to the supermarket for you for the rest of the weekend as we've nothing in. Go with him and tell him what you'd like.'

kali110 · 26/03/2017 16:06

Sorry op he doesn't sound like a great dad.
You having a go at other posters when they are saying the truth.
A great dad does not pAy the minimum when he can afford more, doesn't want to spend money on his kids or leaves them without food ( which he is, it's just you are going out to buy it).
What happens if you suddenly can't work?
That is a really good question.

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