To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex.

I couldn't be with a man who admitted this to me. You know he'd do the same to you and your kids if you split OP?

Arrange to be out with your two for the weekend the stepkids are there

This. As you pay for holidays anyway, take your DC away for the weekend, and leave the cupboards and fridge bare. He will have to go shopping to feed his DC.

My ex hated spending money, and I lost my entire nest egg because of it.

You should be careful about letting him pay all of the mortgage and bills. Should anything happen to end your relationship, it would look as if he had been the one paying for everything (e.g. everything with monthly statements!) whereas of course you know you have been making an equal contribution in different areas.

Just wanted to pitch in with a quick word of warning as it can affect how equity or home ownership is divided after separation/divorce.

EnormousTiger, the older children come every other weekend (EOW) so £150 is about right.

Yes clearly you were not worried about his other kids and what he paid for them but by god you've got it all to come!!!!

You truly deserve each other.

I feel sorry for his children.......he seems the type who takes them for more days so he pays less maintenance and as for you - well the poor kids have hardly struck gold!!!

Hi OP

Just coming to the thread late, and I am glad you got your SC food bill sorted. Reading through some of the comments, though, would add there are many reasons why someone may be reluctant to part with money (could go back to childhood, fear of scarcity) but obviously unfair on you, just some of the comments are a bit mean on your partner.

I would, however, seriously think about how you own your property, and get some legal advice on joint ownership. If you are paying all the other bills and his share goes into the mortgage, you could well end up seriously prejudiced if you break up and/or should your partner predecease you (depending on the terms of any will). Obviously not the sort of thing one wants to think about, but sadly these things can come back and bite us.

How you divide expenditure and deal with family finances is down to you, but you do need to think about what would happen to you, and your children, in worse case scenario. Contribution to food etc. household bills would not ordinarily be sufficient to give you an interest in the property (if in his sole name), and you can't assume you would have an equal (half) interest in it if you hold it as tenants in common, rather than joint tenants. So worth considering.

For what it's with, YANBU. But there may be wider issues here you should consider.

(Oops, Bike, you're right (and usually I am good at maths, but not here)....)

It is your business op.
What about if you break up? Do you think he'll treat you any different?
I would def look into the morgage thing too...

You really must have had children quickly together (their ages).

I'd do the direct debit but also mention re maintenance.

Sorry but if things didn't change I'd be seriously considering my future with this man and heaven forbid if you did divorce. I can't abide meanness in anyone least of all a partner.

I hope you're on the deeds.

Poor kids. How much do you spend on food generally? I'd reduce any treats that you get in for him and offset with some pasta for his kids...

What's the betting if you try the Cupboards Bare strategy, and leave him to it, he'll swap his weekend with his Ex and blame you !

" Loulous really ill/ not up for visitors can you come next weekend instead?" so looking like the doting DH and getting out of his responsibilities in one swoop.

Wow. Some really vicious and frankly silly posts. I love MN.

Who says I cook and clean up?? What a huge assumption. I barely do those things on a normal day let alone at weekends when all the kids are here.

I'm actually really hoping I don't have to sod off when they are here. My kids love seeing them, I love seeing them and i have a couple of shared hobbies/projects with the two eldest so they'll be upset if I dissappear for the weekend.😟

If this does happen, I'll be really pissed off at my husband for putting me in that position.

That's nice OP as I was feeling sorry for his DC with the advice to buy cheaper food etc- I'd hate my dc to feel secondary because of an issue of principle that was nothing to do with them.
It must be so difficult to live with someone like this but I think your new arrangement is great and might really help as really understand your resentment

'I'm actually really hoping I don't have to sod off when they are here. My kids love seeing them, I love seeing them and i have a couple of shared hobbies/projects with the two eldest so they'll be upset if I dissappear for the weekend.😟

If this does happen, I'll be really pissed off at my husband for putting me in that position.'

Oh, definitely get very angry with him, but needs must or he will keep on taking the piss. You have to stop enabling him now, especially now you've spelled it out. He does it or you bail. I'm sure his kids are used to what a miserable skinflint he is.

Have you been reimbursed for the money he owes you for paying for his share of the agreement that he reneged on?

Expat no, I've not asked for back payment.

And yes I'm telling myself I have to stick to my guns although I know I'll feel like shit for letting them down.

lou are you on the deeds ?

expat I was going to say the same re OP being reimbursed for the money she's shelled out so far for.

OP - hate to say it, but I've worked in a solicitors firm that dealt with matrimonial/family/divorce law. Trust me, when there's a divorce and the gloves come off that's when you see the true picture re money and maintenance. Hopefully it won't come to that for you. I hate to say it, but I respected our clients who didn't begrudge paying a decent level of maintenance as opposed to the mean ones.

University yes I am

'Expat no, I've not asked for back payment. '

Why not, because you know he sure as hell would demand one from you? How much are you out of pocket? He would have zero qualms about getting that money out of you, and he earns more than you do. Any particular reason you don't get what you're owed?

You feel like shit for letting the stepkids down, but he doesn't feel like shit for being such a shite dad to them, and he is a shite dad who begrudges them food and a fucking day out when he can afford it. What a wanker.

That speaks volumes.

I have no delusions that DH would be any more generous with me should we divorce. However, I'm legally entitled to half the equity in the house and I am financially independent ( I own another property have savings, some investments, decent job, minimal debt) so his behaviour in the event of a split is not a major concern for me because I could and would be able look after my kids by myself if need be.

How much does he owe you and why haven't you told him he needs to transfer it to you asap when you know he'd do the same to you? When did he start all this 'forgetting' nonsense and what finally triggered you to say enough is enough and he needs to step up to the terms of the agreement?

Expat he really isn't a shit dad. I HATE the way he is with money, I'm not making excuses for him at all but he is really good in all of the other ways. His kids adore him.

I think what's interesting here is that "DH hates to spend money - so Xmas etc will be shit due to this".

I've got a friend whose DH is like this actually. Their DC are now teenagers and I'm sure the mum (who's been SAHM much of her life) has had words re his meanness. However I've seen them (they live abroad and I visit) and he's been mean then, money wise. It came to the crunch last Easter when I visited Paris with them (they're from USA) we did tourist things (mostly art stuff) but in the evenings would walk miles in the cold to find a cheap restaurant. So the DC had been out all day. His youngest DD ended up getting sick (she has health problems anyway) and winded up having to get antibiotics not helped by her dad not allowing breaks for tea/coffee/cake etc (I treated them on a couple of occasions) and eating late and cheap food. I'm not saying that's the only reason she got sick but I'm sure it didn't help. That's an extreme example but I think his wife (my friend) had a big word with him afterwards.

Expat I don't know. £140 per month since we started living together 6 years ago!!! Someone will do the maths...

What finally triggered it? I'm saving for something special.