To NOT have to pay for my step kids when they are here?

[Loulou0]

Before I get started- I know that 'family money' is a big thing on MN. But for various reasons it is not something we do. DH pays mortgage and bills, I pay everything else; childcare, groceries, clothes holidays etc. It works out roughly equal.

Before we got married and had kids we had a discussion about money and came to this agreement based on DH's tight fistedness. The theory being, if we had to go halves on holidays, clothes, Xmas etc they would all be shit because DH hates to spend money. He agreed to this 100%.

The only deviation from this is that DH agreed to pay for his kids' expenses when they come EOW. He has 3 kids now aged 13-16. We have a baby and a toddler together.

Without fail, EOW, DH 'forgets' to stock up on groceries for his kids. And 3 kids of that age eat A LOT. So, every other Monday the cupboards and fridge are empty. I replenish at a cost of average £70.

I love these kids and wouldn't want them to go without obviously, but why should it cost me £140 a month??

DH is well off but has a strange attitude to spending money on other people. ( hence our pre marriage and kids agreement!)

Despite being able to afford more, he only pays minimum child support to his ex. (She is very wealthy and DH says she doesn't need the money. I don't think think that's the point but that's another thread... )

Anyway, I'm waffling. AIBU to get my DH to reimburse me each week for the money I have to spend on groceries for the SDC? He seems to think I'm being mean. But a) we had an agreement and b) it feels like yet another way for home to get out of paying anything for his kids!

My friend's DH is known for being mean with money by the way.

Why am I being told to fuck off? Because I'm right?! Oh dear truth hurt does it?

Superfly that's horrible.

It's all a bit depressing.

Well yes it is horrible OP, but that's an extreme example of a mean person. Who in essence "can" afford it (good job etc).

'I'm saving for something special' is it a crowbar to open his wallet?

'Expat he really isn't a shit dad. I HATE the way he is with money, I'm not making excuses for him at all but he is really good in all of the other ways. His kids adore him.'

If he weren't shit he wouldn't have 'forgotten' to get food in for his own kids for six years! He owes you thousands! And if he weren't a 'shit' dad he'd offer to reimburse you asap. Lou, I hope the scales fall from your eyes soon, he begrudges taking out his own kids because he doesn't want ot spend money on them! They may 'adore' him now, but it won't last because he's not a great dad. He agreed to pay for them and he reneged and you only stopped subbing him because you're saving for something. That's money you could have had for your something special. Can you not see that?

Why are you afraid to get back what he owes you? When you know he'd do the same to you?

If I hear another "he's such a great dad" on here about a certified pillock, I'm going to start screaming. A good dad doesn't pay well below what he can afford for his kids and doesn't handball the costs of feeding them to someone else. A good husband, or wife for that matter, doesn't split hairs over family outgoings either.

Christ, the bar for what makes a good father on here is so low that Frodo Baggins could limbo underneath it.

Stinginess is an absolutely repellant quality at the best of times but when you're a miser towards your own kids, you're a real thundering twat.

He owes you at least 10grand.

He is a shit dad because he refuses to pay out on anything that he doesnt get any benefit from. He wouldnt forget to feed himself would he? I bet he doesnt begrudge spending money on himself.

He is a shit dad and shit husband. If you are happy to settle for that then I pity you.

Considering the things that would get a woman labelled an unfit mother, it's incredible to me how easy it is to be a good dad...

Expat I totally get your point. It just seems so petty to ask for the money back. It's food. For kids.

Generally, money isn't a big deal for me and I genuinely get pleasure from spending it on other people. That sounds so wanky but it's true. I just hate the fact that he rarely puts his hand in his pocket for his lovely lovely kids and to say he is taking the piss is a massive understatement.

Is it really 10k? fucking hell.

I won't mention the birthday and Xmas presents, easter eggs, cinema trips, bowling, back to school stuff etc.

Would you consider a joint account for bills and food? You both pay a set amount in and you can both decide on how it's spent, so it's not you doing the shopping (and therefore deciding the food) or him doing it - he has a standing order to the joint account that covers his share of bills/mortgage and the extra money towards his DCs food bill when they stay.

You can still have your wages paid into your own accounts then have an agreed amount you both transfer each month (ideally far more than you actually need each month so you can save up in that account for Christmas/birthdays/holidays). The remainer in your own accounts is yours to spend/save as you please, but there's no "I pay the mortgage" "I decide what food we eat" nonesense.

obviously this means you need to trust he will actually set up a standing order to that account and not vary it if he doesn't think you 'need' that money each month if there's savings in that account.

There probably will be some arguments while you get used to each other being able to see the household costs, but also meaning he doesn't get to see what you chose to spend on yourself.

He is not a shit dad and he is not a shit husband. He is a tight arsed, mean as fuck skinflint and i detest and resent thar but that doesn't override everything else. We are a mostly, very happy family.

Op, you're being very defensive. Someone up thread said that they couldn't be with a man who treated his kids with his ex-wife in such away. I think you might be coming across quite strangely. His questionable moral compass you describe in euphemistic terms as 'tight fistedness' and you seem very focused on protecting yourself financially (quite right) but you don't seem upset or distressed by his pretty appalling behaviour. I think this is what people are picking up on.

Every other weekend for 6 years at £70 a pop is £10,920 so closer to £11k.

When you are doing Xmas/Birthday/Easter/Back to school shopping then you need to ask for the money for his kids stuff upfront. Dont ask for it afterwards as you will then need to defend every single penny and he will "forget" to pay it back. If he doesnt pay up then you dont get his kids anything. And see it through.

Invisible that wouldn't work for us as I am very spendy. I'm frivolous with money - we are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Generally, money isn't a big deal for me and I genuinely get pleasure from spending it on other people. That sounds so wanky but it's true.

Of course it's true. Would this miser have sustained a relationship with you if you weren't prepared to let him bleed you dry?

I just hate the fact that he rarely puts his hand in his pocket for his lovely lovely kids...I won't mention the birthday and Xmas presents, easter eggs, cinema trips, bowling, back to school stuff etc.

And that makes him a crap dad.

Is it really 10k? fucking hell.

I assure you that if the boot were on the other foot, he would have calculated every last penny.

I'm not going to do the whole 'well you shouldn't have had kids with him' thing, it is obviously unhelpful, but I do find myself genuinely wondering what attracted you to him? Miserliness is such a turn off for me and most women. He could look like Tom Hardy, if I found out he was stingy about maintenance, gifts, special occasions and even fucking FOOD for his OWN CHILDREN, it wouldn't matter if he could re-enact the entire Kama Sutra. I'd be utterly repelled.

We are a mostly, very happy family.

Because you make up for his shortcomings! I wonder how happy you would all be if you stopped bailing him out all the time.

Yes it is 10k and make sure you are definitely in for half of your property as any doubt as the share could be settled by looking at direct contributions to mortgage and that's him only.
Any reason why he is so difficult with money? Particular trauma? Surely it would seem easy enough, even with someone tightfisted, to agree to pay every month into a joint account a certain amount of money and that would sort it. This situation is definitely surreal.

Wellitwould I'm not distressed by it. Annoyed, yes. Not distressed. And I would always make sure I am financially protected and I independent. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't.

Have to say I agree with all the other posters... in marriage there really shouldn't be "your" money and "my" money, but that's just me. I couldn't be with someone like that. I get that he's a great dad and all, but my dh is also a great dad, gives our kids lots of quality attention, but also feels that whatever we have is OURS, there is no MINE and YOURS (and he's the one who works, I'm a SAHM). He's also not tight with money.

My ex who I was with for 6 years, years ago (before I married and had children) was a tightwad too, and a selfish one. One of the many reasons he's my ex. Thanks God we never had kids together.

Surely the way forward is to rethink your finances. I know you not keen on it but a joint account to which you both have access woukd mean you would never have these kinds of disputes because you just spend the money when you need to. No questions asked. It doesn't matter then how right he us cos you just spend the money as you need. I'm sorry but I think it's crazy to not share finances is this situation

**how tight he is