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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

245 replies

Marmalade85 · 25/03/2017 20:30

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 16:10

Particularly the last post Hmm

kali110 · 26/03/2017 16:11

Yes that's what did it for me.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 26/03/2017 16:12

When I asked about women being desperate and easy, it was a question and not a statement. I wonder if this is the opinion some men have of some single mothers.

Some might might perceive single mothers as desperate/easy, I suppose.

But since you view all men as potential rapists, it's eetsy peetsy, surely?

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 16:22

Why the doubt? I'm a genuine poster. Feel free to check history.

My son has been napping for over 2.5 hours now and I'm alone so nothing better to do than MN.

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 26/03/2017 17:13

Op you are either very traumatised by your realtionship with your ex or a GF.

Being traumistises is no excuse for having such a low opinion of other single mothers or be so derogatory about women.

Dating when you have young kids is not wrong, as you put it. Its not right FOR YOU, which is absolutely fine.

All men are not your ex. Being a feminist doesnt protect you from being abused. Neither does education.

All women are not you and are free to make their own choices.

Personally i think the riad you are on has great potentional to harm your vhild as he grows. More than women who date when their kids are young.

Wingsofdesire · 26/03/2017 18:59

Kate
You said it perfectly.

NameChanger22 · 26/03/2017 19:08

Women don't need to date if they don't want to. OP - you should just completely Ignore the comments or any pressure that you should try and find another man. The chances of finding a good one are pretty slim.

I've been single for 8 years and brought my daughter up on my own very happily. My time is far to precious to waste on a man. My life is more enjoyable and meaningful without one.

I understand that some women don't like to be alone or need a partner for financial reasons. I consider myself very lucky to not want or need a man in my life.

WayfaringStranger · 26/03/2017 19:15

I've been following this thread and while I can empathise with why you feel afraid of dating, I think your attitude towards woman is offensive and patronising, as well as misogynistic. Don't date, your choice. Judging other women in the way that you have is quite spiteful. I hope that it's only coming across like this because you feel bad about yourself and in which case, I hope you get help. If it's not, then you need to have a long think about your son and how how are going to raise him. Are these really the values you want your son to have? Do you want him to be so derogatory towards women and so afraid of his fellow men?

WayfaringStranger · 26/03/2017 19:16

Kate just saw your post and you said it far more succinctly than me.

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 19:19

Kate what's a GF?

OP posts:
whensitmyturn · 26/03/2017 19:27

In some ways I agree with you.
I can totally see how you could end up in a relationship with a work colleague/friend/someone you've known for a while but Internet dating- nope!
Logged on a year after Xh and I split up and I thought wtf am I doing? I could never bring a random stranger in to my children's lives that I have no previous idea of what they're like.

I enjoyed going out when xh had the kids and meeting people/having a bit of fun but would never view that as a way to start a new relationship.

NameChanger22 · 26/03/2017 19:30

I've had a quick scroll through this thread and I can't see anywhere Marmalade is being a GF or derogatory towards women??? Did I miss something?

StiickEmUp · 26/03/2017 19:35
Hmm
Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 19:35

Oh do you mean goady fucker? No, all opinions here are real and my own.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/03/2017 20:31

NameChanger referring to women who date when they have small children as desperate and easy is pretty derogatory.

kali110 · 26/03/2017 21:08

The chances of finding a good one are pretty slim.
Ha this made me laugh.
Def sock puppetry going on here.
If you're actually being honest here op, get help.
The comments you make about women and men are hateful.

namechanger lol please, try harder!

VestalVirgin · 26/03/2017 21:31

Other than the fact that you might get targeted by pedophiles (which you can prevent by not advertising the fact that you have a child on your dating site profile), the odds are the same. The relationship has the same risk of not lasting as that to your ex, and the same risk of the man being a child abuser.

If you don't want to date, that's okay.

But don't judging women who do want to date.

Yes, heterosexual relationships are risky for women.

Having a child doesn't really have much to do with it.

user1487175389 · 26/03/2017 21:34

For me, dating has to be separate from my dcs. Not that I have dated since, but that's the plan.

NameChanger22 · 26/03/2017 21:47

SoarAlba - I think Marmalade said that men think single mums who date are desperate and easy; not that she thought that. I've spoken to quite a few men about this and lots of men think this about single mums, probably because of the way the media portrays us. I don't agree with it obviously. I've never been less desperate or easy since becoming a single mum.

The chances of finding a good man are very, very slim. I don't know anyone that has a good relationship with one. I just know women who are trapped or desperate to be in a relationship, for different reasons.

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 22:06

Yes namechanger I've explained that point two or three times now. Thank you.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 26/03/2017 23:26

For purely anecdotal evidence, I was just reading an article about Matt Damon, who always seems like a thoroughly nice man. He met his wife when she was working in a bar (IIRC) and had a 5 year old daughter. They now have three younger daughters too.

He told an anecdote about him soothing his stepdaughter when she was upset about something and they couldn't convince her to settle. He told a story about things he and 'her uncle Kyle' had done when they were kids her age. He so obviously loves her as his own.

Little happy endings like this happen to people with kids every day. It's the norm. Emotional and physical abusers are unusual, though it may be hard to get this into perspective given your background.

Your son deserves the effort it would take for you to gain a fairer view of the 50% of the population into which he falls.

Pippa12 · 26/03/2017 23:27

Flipping heck...i think you might want to change your type?

How do you know these men dont have children from a previous relationship and looking for a like minded companion?

I find your comments bizarre and imo think you should take up that counselling and perhaps address your anxiety and paranoia of the male kind. Your son is going to be terrified of males if you impress on him they're all rapists and child abusers.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 27/03/2017 04:39

The chances of finding a good man are very, very slim. I don't know anyone that has a good relationship with one

I do. I have a good relationship with a wonderful man.

Ok, so I may have misunderstood the desperate and easy bit, but OP continually writes negatively about women who date. Like it's anything to do with her Hmm

StudentMum92 · 27/03/2017 06:58

You need help OP. Seriously.

Wingsofdesire · 27/03/2017 07:27

clutches pearls and faints

Why are you so mean?? People are just giving you (the gift of) their own perspective.

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