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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

245 replies

Marmalade85 · 25/03/2017 20:30

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

OP posts:
podrig · 26/03/2017 13:51

OP mind your own business Hmm

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 13:58

Onion I didn't say it mattered. It was omitted in her post so was curious to know the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 13:59

Podrig I am minding my own business; the thread is about my own situation.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/03/2017 14:00

OP as long as you do what is right for you and your child, what anyone else does is none of your business. I understand that you are struggling after being in an abusive relationship but your "all men are potentially rapists" attitude is not normal and certainly not healthy when you have a son. I was on my own for 4 years after I LTB, and happy that way. Met DP out of the blue, and we've been together 6 years and had 2 more kids.
Oh, and whatever your experiences are, doesn't make it ok for you to call women desperate or easy because they don't do things your way.

SmileEachDay · 26/03/2017 14:00

I met my ex at work Ali but hope it works out for you and your child.

That's really unpleasant OP.

Are you aware that there is a definite implication of "but I can't possibly believe that it will, you're putting yourself/your child at risk" to that post?

OnionKnight · 26/03/2017 14:03

Onion I didn't say it mattered. It was omitted in her post so was curious to know the answer.

Bollocks.

*That's really unpleasant OP.

Are you aware that there is a definite implication of "but I can't possibly believe that it will, you're putting yourself/your child at risk" to that post?*

This.

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 14:04

For me to make that deliberate insinuation I would have had to know that she was going to say work. If she said online or at a wedding then what?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 26/03/2017 14:07

I think you're being deliberately obtuse OP.

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 14:09

I disagree smile

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 26/03/2017 14:26

I imagine a great many adults meet their partners at work, as it is where the majority of their time is spent. Thanks all the same.

kali110 · 26/03/2017 14:27

This thread isn't going to go nowhere.
You can have yourviews aslong as you are ok with other woman viewing your son as a potential rapist/woman beater as that is fair?
Maybe Some women wkth 15 m WANT a relationship?
Is that so hard to grasp?

ali hope your realtionship is going well!

kali110 · 26/03/2017 14:29

No op, this is not just about your own situation as you've made post after post judging other woman ( and men) so it isn't just about you.
If it was people wouldn't have a problem with it.

passmethewineplease · 26/03/2017 14:31

What is the point in this thread? You don't want to date, so don't? Confused

People have given you reasons why some single parents might like to date.

Not really sure what else there is to add.

Toobloodytired · 26/03/2017 14:38

Woah Shock

A few judgements here op!

I think you are basing solely on your own experiences.

My brother was 19 yrs old when he met his now wife, she was 28 with 2 little girls.

My brother isn't a rapist, child molester or murderer.

They are now married with 4 kids** & he's 25

ConcreteUnderpants · 26/03/2017 14:42

OP I actually find a lot of what you've said quite offensive.
As other's have said, if you want to date, date. If you don't, don't. But do not insinuate that those that do are not looking after their children or their welfare.

And as for why would a single bloke go out with a woman with a young baby? Because he thinks she is desperate and easy and will be waiting at home while he is out living his life?
FFS! Please continue with your therapy as this is really not a healthy attitude to have. Not every man is an abuser or paedophile.

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 15:04

When I asked about women being desperate and easy, it was a question and not a statement. I wonder if this is the opinion some men have of some single mothers.

OP posts:
Toobloodytired · 26/03/2017 15:10

I'm single, have been for 5 months.

Currently waiting to have my first child. Once I'm ready I.E post child birth I don't see why I should be judged for dating!

Toobloodytired · 26/03/2017 15:16

In all fairness op, I don't want to sound harsh but I guess you need to open your own eyes......your ex DP (the father to your child I assume??) isn't "normal" yet you had a child with him, you are going through the courts to keep you & your son safe.

Why assume all men are like your ex??

If you feel that NOT having a life so your son doesn't have "uncles" in his life then cool but honestly, we aren't all willing to be lonely for the rest of our lives like you are.

Anyways. Who introduces men as an uncle these days?? That's weird.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 15:16

Starting to wonder how genuine this is. Surely no-one can be happy to have such a circular argument for this long? Biscuit

Wingsofdesire · 26/03/2017 15:21

I too am aware of some mothers that go from one disastrous relationship to another, I'm guessing because they don't want to be on their own

????
I'm sorry but I find all these weird generalisations very misleading.
You make these generalisations, and then also extrapolate a whole theory from one example of one clearly a bit mixed-up and presumably quite young mother having blokes round from the internet for sex while her baby sleeps in the next room.

Life isn't like that. There are millions of individuals and they all have their own unique experience and understanding. And if you did a proper study from a valid sample of single mothers, I very much doubt you'd have more than a few doing what this mother did.

People don't go from one bad relationship to another on purpose. Of course they don't. Maybe they don't judge well, or maybe someone turns out to be different to what they seemed, or maybe the chemistry doesn't work out.

You talk as if all women are stupid and self-destructive and desperate and all men are rapists, abusers and paedophiles. ??

I don't know where your views come from, but they are extreme, in my opinion. You really do need to make time for talking to someone, I think

kali110 · 26/03/2017 15:33

why would a single bloke go out with a woman with a young baby? Because he thinks she is desperate and easy and will be waiting at home while he is out living his life?
Because not all men are bastards?
Not all men are abusers?
Some are actually interested in a woman as a person?
Some men are actually men?

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers?
Not all men are abusers.
You wouldn't want someone to judge your child based on their sex.

How do you know the relationship will last?
Even without a child how can anyone know this?

I'm trying not to judge but rather understand the mentality. Why would you even be thinking of a new relationship when you have a young child/children who has already been through a lot.
still think it's wrong to date with a young child
You are judging people, this is not based on you alone.

I'm certainly veering into 'all men are potential rapists' territory.
Please do give the freedom programme and counselling as this must be really exhausting for you and quite scary to worry that every man is a threat.
You had a bad ex but that doesn't mean that every guy you meet will be like that.
I've def had some bad ex's in my time, but if i thought that every guy was a potential abuser i'd have never met the guy i'm with now. (Who people do judge based on his looks!).

RayofFuckingSunshine · 26/03/2017 15:33

Okay OP. So at what point in your mind is it okay for a single mother to start dating? Is it okay for a single father for date or does your judgmental attitude only extend to decreeing what behaviours make a good mother.

Questioningeverything · 26/03/2017 15:46

I'm dating. Ds is 7months. We've been a couple for that entire time. Shocked? Why would he want someone who was pregnant? Why does he want a single mum of two?
Because I'm amazing 😁
And why do I want to date? Because my life is more than being a mum. It's my job, my social life, my hobbies. And I'm an adult and able to make decisions for myself so I will keep on doing so.
Hth

Original poster
Marmalade85 · 26/03/2017 15:52
OP posts:
kali110 · 26/03/2017 16:07

Trifleorbust i'm also starting to wonder Hmm

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