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AIBU?

Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

245 replies

Marmalade85 · 25/03/2017 20:30

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

OP posts:

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kali110 · 27/03/2017 14:55

FairytalesAreBullshit
I've never had a one night stand either, however the difference is i don't go around insulting people who do.
People have been kind and empathetic to the op but she's slagged off men and women.
She's said certain statements and has backtracked because people have called her out on them.

kali110 · 27/03/2017 14:58

Oh and i've had some really bad relationships that i haven't spoken on here about, i haven't judged all men by them though.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 27/03/2017 15:01

Oh and my kids have 2 different biological dads, perhaps I should have stayed with my XH and got the shit kicked out of me so that I didn't have more than one dad for my kids. Tell you what OP, you're not the only person to have had a tough time, but you are the only person who thinks it validates the snottiest, stuck up, judgemental opinions I've heard in a very long time. I feel sorry for your son, because he is growing up with mother with a very warped view of men, and he deserves better than that.
Maybe you should look into changing your own attitudes. Instead of looking down your fucking nose at everyone else like you're somehow superior.

Hissy · 27/03/2017 16:23

Op, you have bigger fish to fry than dating. You're right to focus on that.

Fwiw, she didn't make comments saying that single mothers were desperate and easy, she said that's what a lot of blokes on online dating sites think. AND SHES DEAD RIGHT!

Some blokes on these dating sites are lovely, a lot are NOT. They are presumptuous and rude.

I am assured that there are some equally revolting women on these sites too, so it's probably about even, the main thing to draw from this IS to be cautious.

Op, yanbu, do what you have to do and when your son is safe, it'll be your time again, when your head is in the right place.

Have you tried the Freedom Programme? That might help you grow a little stronger?

ItsNachoCheese · 27/03/2017 16:52

op if i as a single mum wish to date then i will. Just because i have birthed a human doesnt mean im going to spend the next 20 years on my own because that would be miserable as hell. My ds is coming up 2 and actually regardless of his age im more than capable of keeping ds and any dating seperate. Not all men are nasty arseholes and your statements about them are quite sad to read

SmileEachDay · 27/03/2017 17:11

With respect, OP, you haven't addressed the comments I (and several others) made pages back.

How do you you think your views will impact upon your (male) son? How will you stop him feeling demonised and to blame, by virtue of his sex?

Jaffacakecake1234 · 27/03/2017 17:27

People just dont tend to give a shit anymore, its potentialylutting your child in danger and to be fair people shouldbe concentrating on their child not their relationships...i find it so selfish just wait and look after your child

SookiesSocks · 27/03/2017 17:34

Wait what 18 years?

Why be a martyr?
Why not just seperate the 2 lots of parents do.
Should nrp, which lets face it are mostly fathers, abstain from dating too or just mums?
If people dont want to date then dont but you have no right to call those that choose to selfish. It is a very immature attitude you have Jaffa

Hissy · 27/03/2017 17:50

Oh calm down!!

My ds is being raised to be respectful and understanding of both men and women, but that doesn't alter the fact that there ARE a huge amount of pricks (and prickesses) on online dating sites.

One of the first questions some blokes ask is "how long have you been single" and it's generally because they want to gauge how easy it will be to shag you.

I've had blokes message me practically begging to come over to my house, (ds sleeping upstairs), when I'd never actually met them before, or attempt to ply me with far too much alcohol on a first date before pressing me to invite them back.

She's in the middle of a legal fight, her head Isn't in the right space to even consider dating, and yet she's being told by mates that she should just get back in there. It's a rant.

when her life calms a little, she may very well change her view. How she thinks now is a reaction to her situation

Hissy · 27/03/2017 17:55

Jaffa your viewpoint is a little skewed too.

There is a balance.

Even IN a relationship with the child's father, the relationship needs to be worked on, and yes at times prioritised over the child. Date nights and adult time together for example, not just sex but friendship as grown ups.

It is beneficial for a child to see successful, happy and supportive relationships between adults.

For a parent to exclude themselves from this aspect of life isn't actually good for the child. They need to learn their own way into adulthood and seeing their parent(s) model good relationships will be the most effective of them learning what life is all about.

OhhBetty · 27/03/2017 18:19

I see my boyfriend when ds is asleep (I have a trusted babysitter) or on the few days a month he sees his dad providing I'm not working. I don't understand how I'm supposed to "focus" on ds when he would be asleep or elsewhere anyway! Unles you're suggesting I never have any time to do anything other than look at him whether he is asleep or somewhere else!
Out of interest, do you see working as not focussing on your child and putting your job before them?

ConcreteUnderpants · 27/03/2017 18:42

Hissy the OP did imply the derogatory views on women a number of times. And also that women who date are neglectful of their children
( OP : because I'm surprised about their disregard for their child's safety. )

I'm out now anyway. People are banging their heads against a brick wall and I'm finding her views offensive. These threads annoy me.
OP: AIBU?
ALL (bar 2): YES and you have been offensive and have skewed views
OP: No I'm not.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 27/03/2017 21:19

I don't think I intentionally upset anyone, I just aired how I view ONS. I don't think anything was overly insulting, just that I don't get it.

kali110 · 27/03/2017 23:09

SmileEachDay i've said this numerous times.
jaffa i've had very bad relationships, doesn't mean i judged Every man by the twats i dated.
My dh is the sweetest guy ever ( even though people judge him based on looks).

FairytalesAreBullshit · 27/03/2017 23:19

To be honest I judge myself at men I dated decades ago, I honestly hand on heart thing I'm the idiot for tolerating their behaviour. But in those days, it was normal to be at the pub every night possible.

I don't think there's one man I've dated/married who hasn't been abusive. I shut down DH's gas lighting by refusing to engage with him, if he's doing it. I find that works well, if someone is spoiling an argument, don't engage. Obviously different with physical violence etc.

I know I use the excuse oh it was 20+ years ago, but I know in all reality it was me who had low self esteem, I didn't think I was worth anymore than what I was receiving.

Marmalade85 · 28/03/2017 17:39

Thank you for your replies. I believe my views on men are perhaps a little extreme but will mellow over time. Doubt I will ever let someone into my life again but who knows.

OP posts:

Wingsofdesire · 29/03/2017 06:29

perhaps a little extreme

You have a son. It will be important to work on these views sooner rather than later, I think. It's not just to do with you having a partner - it's to do with what views you pass on to your son, and how he grows up considering himself, as a man. He needs a positive image of being a man.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 29/03/2017 06:35

He needs a positive image of being a man

This, absolutely. It is hard when you've had an abusive relationship, but you owe it to your son not to let it affect him. It's not his fault what his father did.

AppleFlapjack · 29/03/2017 07:12

I really think you should talk to someone about your anxiety and see a psychotherapist, it would truly help and raising a little boy with a deep routed fear/anger towards men especially without male role models could negatively impact your DS.

I do see a few mothers like how you describe though. A school mum split from her two DCs father just before christmas and it was quite dramatic, but he still sees the DC. After one month she had a new bf who runs her DS to school, babysits while she goes out and his social media is plastered with pictures of her DC as if they are hers and I cant understand why the mother didnt just focus on the DC to help them over their father leaving before 'replacing' him. The new bf puts on social media about their 'family' etc. and it makes me feel a bit uneasy as I think at that stage she could have kept him seperate to allow the DC to come to terms with it all and what happens if it doesnt work out and the DC grieve the loss of two men in their lives?

Marmalade85 · 29/03/2017 17:19

Apple wow that sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's very strange how some just want to jump straight into a new relationship and skip past the first few years and go straight into being a 'family'.

OP posts:

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