Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

[Marmalade85]

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

[KateDaniels2]

Of course tge op is being derogatory about women.

She is shocked at tge nunber of women that date when they have young kids. Why would you be shocked? Why would you judge?

She says dating is a risk she isnt willing to take. Implying other women ignore the (imagined) risk to their children.

She has said dating with young kids is wrong. Not wrong for her. Wrong.

If a man said these things he would be massively flamed for trying to tell women what to do and judging them.

Its no better coming from someone who says they are female. (Not saying you aren't a woman op, just that none of us know thay for fact.)

This isnt ok.

[Marmalade85]

Yes I think it's wrong to date with a young child. I'm sure lots of people thinks it wrong that I'm single or an unmarried mother or working full time etc. It's just my opinion.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

I feel like sticking up for OP, she's getting blasted because she has certain values and beliefs that don't conform with other people's beliefs, experiences, past or present behaviours. Like she's been transported from the 1950's or something.

The poor woman has been through a hell of a time, due to her child she's going to have to associate in some form with said abusive prick, most of her child's life. Which is a trauma on top of everything she's already endured.

Ok not everyone is advocating you bring home a new man every month during your child's formative years. Here's an opinion of mine, I've never had a one night stand, I just just don't get the whole concept. That's whilst being of legal age when Cosmo and other mags focussed solely on how to pleasure a man and give him the best sex ever, or best blow job ever. I can't see what you'd gain from such a short liaison. That is solely my take on it. I know women act in different ways, that's their choice, this is mine. Especially after a night out it's hardly going to be a mindblowing orgasm fest. Each to their own.

Their are exceptions to the rule, I've known people date pregnant women and take on the responsibility of being a parent, to a child that isn't there's, kudos to such guys. I can't imagine how it would impact them emotionally. I had a short stint of watching JK, where Dads believed themselves to be Fathers but weren't, but swore to be the Father figurehead in that child's life.

Another point that could be discussed is, at what point does a person you're dating, for sure, be viable as a long term partner.

I saw one example, couple meet, woman has child, guy is overly obsessed with child. Child grows up with a Daddy, plus another guy they call Daddy. I can promise you that shit is confusing for kids, as a friend commented how their kid had a friend in care, so semantics are discussed, the relationship with the other guy didn't last even though they got married. The child asked their Mum before bed once, which of the men was their real Dad, the guy they called Dad who was their real Dad, or this other guy who was in the child's life a few years. How long the child had been harbouring those thoughts is anyone's guess. That initial situation, meant the Mother was protective of who was involved in her child's life, ever since I don't think she's ever introduced a guy to her child.

It's situations like I've shared, two completely different scenarios, plus the impact on the children. But no one seems to be fussed.

I do wonder about dating sites, if you advertise yourself as a single Mum are you opening yourself up to weirdo's? If you don't mention it, are you deceiving the other person, or potential life partners of both sexes? It's a pretty big thing to most people.

You also hear stories about how Guy dates single Mum, is introduced into the child's life, couple split up, the guy is left heartbroken as he's had a bond with said child. Seen milestones etc. I know of one guy who would never date single Mums because of the way it impacted his friend.

I think it's a valid query, the views are the OP's, people aren't in agreement, but few are taking into consideration her past relationship experience. I find that really sad, as those that see freedom of dating post partum as feministic, but don't subscribe to supporting women who have been through trauma. Adding to their existing mental health trauma by some pretty harsh remarks. If we bear in mind we should accept others view points, is the sisterhood a myth?

[Marmalade85]

Thanks fairy. I also know families where there have been several dads and it's never ended well.

[OnionKnight]

The OP is entitled to her opinion, but there's no need to be so judgemental about it or to assume that every man is a rapist (apart from her son).

[SookiesSocks]

is the sisterhood a myth?

Yes.
Just because I am a women does not mean I have a hive mind and blindly agree with other females

Where is the OPs sisterhood?
She judged other women as not caring or prioritising their children if they chose to date. Surely as part of the sisterhood she should support their choice.

Date. Dont date. Its individual choice but dont accuse those that do of neglecting their child, letting abusers in to their life or being desperate and easy. Not a very sisterly stance is it

[WayfaringStranger]

Fairytales People have said it's understandable and OP's choice if she doesn't want to date. She's been offered empathy and understanding. However, her judgements about other women are uncalled for and I'm sorry, but not everything one says is excusable. You ask if the sisterhood is a myth. Well, I could say the same for the OP. She needs help, that's for sure and I genuinely hope she gets support. Women's Aid are fantastic and offer various types of support. It's still not ok to judge other women when you don't know their trauma.

[isupposeitsverynice]

OnionKnight you are unfairly misrepresenting OP. She didn't say she assumed every man was a rapist she said she's starting to feel like all men are potential rapists. Guess what? It's true. Even OP's son. And my son. And my husband. If you've got a penis, you have the potential to be a rapist. It's really very straightforward. She is aware that not all men are actual rapists. I know from other posts you are male so perhaps you could refrain from minimising the effects of the trauma that victims of abuse are subject to, since you clearly don't have a fucking clue about the complex dynamics involved in OPs situation.

[Marmalade85]

I never said all men are rapists, I quoted Nandita Das who is thought to have said 'all men are potential rapists'.

[OnionKnight]

There was no indication by you OP that it was a quote...

You said I'm certainly veering into 'all men are potential rapists' territory.

[Marmalade85]

The quote is in quotation marks onion.

[OnionKnight]

I give up.

It's not the first time you have posted something a bit in this thread and attempted to backtrack when you got caught out.

[Marmalade85]

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Until I'm perfect I won't judge anyone, I'll offer my support, thoughts, examples. I just said I think this or I wouldn't do that, but each woman to themselves.

[OhhBetty]

As a single mum your post has made me feel incredibly judged and upset tbh!

One long term ex beat me and raped me. Another sexually assault me over a long period of time. Then Ds's dad cheated and emotionally abused me. However, the rational part of my brain knows not all men are the same just as all women are not the same.

I think if single mums meet someone who makes them happy that's fantastic. And I think the vast majority don't introduce partners until they are as sure as they can be that it has a future.

I didn't think I wanted another relationship ever. Didn't judge others for it but I just couldn't see myself allowing anyone else into my life. As it happens I met someone recently. I've knows him vaguely for around 10 years and I have a toddler, he has kids too. I don't see it as unsafe for ds as my romantic life is separate from him. I didn't expect this at all but I'm really happy with it.

Children seeing parents either happily single or in a happy relationship is great. What isn't so great is seeing parents judge others just for having different lifestyle choices, or putting both women and men down.

[isupposeitsverynice]

I think you can safely go ahead and ignore the man who is utterly ignorant of the effects that men's abuse has on women.

Passing judgement on things is part of human nature. It's quite an important part of life surely? Yes yes we should strive to be understanding and as non-judgemental as we can to other people who may be having a shit time but I call bullshit on anyone who claims they never judge. It's built in to our brains.

[isupposeitsverynice]

Are people really so offended by OP? I fell pregnant within months of starting a new relationship as a single parent so should be feeling very put out, but I can quite clearly see that OPs post are really all about her and very little to do with what anyone else is doing, except as a point of comparison

[SookiesSocks]

Onion you are corrected in what you posted. OP did say that and she was not quoting anyone.

I can see she has had a very tough time but she is coming across as judgemental and nasty. There is no excuse for that.

[isupposeitsverynice]

Well she's stated she was quoting someone, just because she didn't mention it in her first post doesn't mean she wasn't quoting. It's an accurate statement anyway, like saying "all children are potential adults". Nowhere did she say "all men are rapists" and she has clearly detailed that she's suffered the sort of abuse that makes women very wary of men, so maybe we could stop putting the fucking boot in now? My first post on this was a bit scathing but it has become apparent OP is actually rather damaged as opposed to being a twat, unlike many of the other posters on this thread

[StudentMum92]

'all men are potential rapists'

And every person are potential murderers.
Hysterical much?

[StudentMum92]

Uchh my grammar!!

[SookiesSocks]

She can say what she likes Isupport doesnt make it true. Its very clear what she meant.

I can see the OP needs proffessional help but I also think she is behaving like a twat.
Her terrible ordeal does not give her an open pass to behave like she has on this thread. She has accused women of many things including but not limited to neglecting their children because they date.

Maybe OP should get her arse off mn and seek the proffessional help she apparently does not have time for

[Toobloodytired]

The only person I feel sorry for is op's son, what sort of person will he be when he's older if she's the one raising him??

I know that sounds horrible but it's 100% honest, he's going to grow up thinking the same as her!

[AmeliaLion]

OP, I am sorry for your situation. Obviously if you don't want to date then you don't have to. Taking care of yourself and your child is obviously important, especially considering what you have been through.

However, there are success stories out there. Personally, I adore my stepdad. I'm truly grateful to my mum for allowing him in to my life (I was 4 when they got married). I'm glad because I got him, some new siblings and because she taught me that being a parent isn't the be all and end all. Being a person matters too.

[orangeterry]

I'll shag who I want , tysm