Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

[Marmalade85]

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

[ForalltheSaints]

YANBU. If you do not want to be dating then that is your choice. Likewise if you do, that is OK.

The only issue to me would be if you weren't doing so because of some unfair pressure or unreasonable demands say about access times from the child's father.

[Kalitall]

Marmalade yabvu, and quite frankly rather offensive.

You can live as you choose, but don't judge others by your ideas.

You seem to have a very low opinion of women and men, that's understandable given you've been in an abusive relationship, but there are thousands of single parents that go on to have happy relationships.

You talk about not finding out someone is a weirdo before it's too late, but quite clearly that's exactly what's happened to you, and now you've had a child with that person.

I was a single mum at 24. I was also a young woman and a person in my own right, a mum, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee. No way was I writing off my chances of having a happy relationship just because one hadn't worked out well.

[Lessthanaballpark]

Because women like sex and want the companionship of a loving partner.

Because women are human beings too

[TinyMacBar4]

Shock horror, my fiancé had met my son before we were even going out! I can safely say he has never abused my son

[Trifleorbust]

To be honest, if I had been dating somebody regularly for a year, we would by then be in a relationship. If they were refusing to let me meet their child in case I was a paedophile, I would say there wasn't much down for that relationship, and I would move on.

[Marmalade85]

Thanks for all of your replies. I've been offered counselling and recommended to do the freedom programme but as I work full time it's very difficult to access as it isn't available weekends.

I still think it's wrong to date with a young child but I guess I also don't feel lonely so don't feel the need. Also I ended my relationship and wasn't left so maybe that makes a difference?

[DoIDareDisturbTheUniverse]

You can think it's wrong for you to date. You can't tell others what they're doing is wrong.

[isupposeitsverynice]

Fun fact OP - I was molested by a man my mum had known as long as she'd known my dad.

Btw you can do freedom programme online too

[Marmalade85]

Dol I've not told anyone they can't date. This Op arose from several people telling me that I should be dating when clearly I've got a young baby so found it odd.

[Trifleorbust]

But it's still not clear why you find it so odd, OP.

[Marmalade85]

Sorry to hear that Isuppose. What effect (if any) has that had on how you view men?

[Marmalade85]

Trifle because I work full time and have no outside support in caring for me son so I look forward to the time I spend with him. Couldn't think of anything worse than wasting my time meeting up with weird blokes off the Internet.

A single mum I know has two babies, one just 4m old and she asked if it was a good idea to meet men from the Internet and have them come straight to hers when the babies are asleep as she has no childcare

[isupposeitsverynice]

Oh I hate them. Don't trust them as far as I can throw em. Married one anyway, heterosexuality is a bore. Look I don't think you're wrong as such, I just wanted to make the point that it's very hard to know who'll turn out to be a perv. I stand entirely behind your choice not to date, but if you do choose to, don't let arbitrary time periods give you a false sense of security. There are some people who can't handle other people doing things differently because they interpret it as an attack on their actions - see also heavy drinkers and teetotallers. Just tell people some old shite to shut them up: "Oh you must go dating and get a boyfriend" "I really do not have time for that nonsense my ninth cat is arriving tomorrow and I need to crochet him a dressing gown"

[isupposeitsverynice]

And yes that is lunacy having a stranger round for sex with 4m babies sleeping in the next room, you're not wrong there

[Trifleorbust]

Marmalade85:

You're mixing up whether you want to do something (fine, you don't) with whether it is strange for someone else to want to do something. It's like me: I don't like fried eggs. I don't like them. Nothing wrong with them, I just don't like them. But I don't go "how strange/wrong" because someone else wants to early an egg.

[Trifleorbust]

*eat

[kali110]

I really think you should do the programme, this attitude you have is not healthy.
It's fine not to date if you don't want to, but to see every guy as a potential risk isn't right, and not a good message to pass onto your child as LostQueen says.

[isupposeitsverynice]

I think OPs attitude is healthier than the one I see in so many women who are barely out of one fucked up dysfunctional relationship before they are fretting about never finding another man and being really quite panicked about singleness and generally setting themselves up for a massive fall. I agree do the freedom programme, I don't think it takes long, but absolutely don't be pressured into dating because your abstaining makes other people uncomfortablr

[Marmalade85]

Thanks Isuppose. I've always been a strong feminist type so I guess I'm in shock that I ended up in an abusive relationship (it wouldn't ever happen to me etc) so makes me even more wary as it really can happy to anyone. I'm certainly veering into 'all men are potential rapists' territory.

[SmileEachDay]

Whilst I think prioritising your son is absolutely right OP, you are going to need to consider how you view men.

You have a little boy, who is going to need to not be demonised.

He is part of the sex you have such a low opinion of.

Dating isn't the issue, really.

[OnionKnight]

I'm certainly veering into 'all men are potential rapists' territory

You need help, please get counselling.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I met DH accidentally when DS1 was 18 months old (I'd asked his Dad to leave when he was 5 months). I absolutely wasn't looking for someone and didn't give it a minutes thought when we met through work. We took it slowly and at my speed. He never pushed to meet DS, never suggested we speed things up and he never spent time in the house if DS1 was there. Fast-forward 10 years and we're married with another DS and incredibly happy. It can work out well sometimes. But I have friends who have bounced from one relationship to the next with small DC in tow and it's hard to find a balance between their own needs and the needs of their DC.

I think the attitude of "you mustn't date" is too rigid, but then I don't understand the whole "why aren't you dating?" either. Taking things slowly and putting boundaries in place is important because there absolutely are some arseholes about who'd target a single mother.

[Trifleorbust]

With respect, OP, is that how you want people to look at your son? As a potential rapist?

[Marmalade85]

Whoo I'm glad you found happiness, seems like you did it a sensible way. I too am aware of some mothers that go from one disastrous relationship to another, I'm guessing because they don't want to be on their own?

[kali110]

I'm certainly veering into 'all men are potential rapists' territory

again, you need help.
Is this how you would want others to view your son?