Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

[Marmalade85]

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

[Marmalade85]

No pp, I don't want other people to view my son as such.

[kali110]

But this is how you view men ( a lot of them innocent), that's not a fair view is it?
It's understandable after what you've been through, but it's not a good view.

[StewieGMum]

Statistically speaking, birth fathers are a higher risk for child abuse, including sexual abuse, than stepfathers.

I understand you are dealing with the trauma of a violent relationship but insulting and denigrating other women is not an acceptable coping mechanism. Are you getting any counselling for the DV as it sounds like you need professional support in dealing with your trauma and understanding risk.

[Gallavich]

Statistically speaking, birth fathers are a higher risk for child abuse, including sexual abuse, than stepfathers

I've read lots of research that states the opposite; where have you got this info from if you don't mind me asking?

[Marmalade85]

Stewie currently my son has no contact with his father which is what the court ordered. Likely next stage will be supported or supervised contact in a contact centre.

[StewieGMum]

Gallavich I've not got the study to hand but I'll try and dig it out. It recognised financial abuse as part of child abuse so included men who would rather their children live in poverty than pay maintenance. There was also data on sexual abuse and neglect being less 'recognised' in middle and wealthy families, although sexual abuse was only slightly higher in birth fathers than stepfathers.

Marmalade You have a child with a man who is a perpetrator. If you reverse your statements, you put your son at risk by choosing a man who is violent. Courts very rarely prevent contact between fathers and children regardless of their histories of violence. Can you see how utterly unkind a statement that is? Blaming you for your partners violence? No one would blame you because it's not fair or right. You simply cannot blame other women for violence perpetrated by men. The only people responsible are those who are violent - and violent men are highly manipulative and very good at disguising their behaviour and isolating women. Blaming women for wanting to have a relationship is the wrong way round.

[kali110]

but insulting and denigrating other women is not an acceptable coping mechanism.
Some of the things you've said about women are not ok.
you can say you have a difference of opinion but not insult 'desperate and easy'
Not all men who go out with women with kids do it because they want the kids!
I really cannot believe i've just typed that

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I am one of those women you refer to.

I'm in a new relationship because I met a man I was attracted to and fell in love with him. He is in a relationship with me, a woman with a toddler, because he was attracted to me and fell in love.

There's not anything else to it. I didn't expect to be in a relationship soon after splitting with husband nor intend to be. I expected to be single to quite some time, it just happened.

[Marmalade85]

Stewie I feel terribly guilty and responsible for my son having such an appalling father. I felt it was entirely my fault until my barrister explained that I was targeted and men like that stop at nothing until they get want they want.

[Marmalade85]

Kali I don't think the women are desperate and easy, I believe this is the perception some men have of single mothers.

[Marmalade85]

Tisme what do you mean by doing homework? My mum lives hours away.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

It is understandable that you are wary op. Look after yourself and your son, you'll be ok.

Re introducing children to new partners - My boyfriend has met my daughter, but in the same way she has met my friends male and female. Out for food, that sort of thing. He's not in her life as in, in her home, spending any alone time with her. Because it is much too soon for that sort of thing, for me personally and he respects that.

[Marmalade85]

Alis How did you meet this man?

[isupposeitsverynice]

I think the thing is when you're fresh out of a situation like OPs, you are hyper aware of danger and risk so I can see why she's interpreting the actions of others as a bit cavalier - and to be fair there are loads of women who are remarkably unconcerned about who they introduce to their kids, presumably through fear of being alone, which is also understandable if you're feeling sympathetic. The freedom programme and maybe some counselling through a specific organisation will help you to refine your thought processes and judgements about men so that you can feel confident about making the right choices for you and not just reacting to fear.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Marmalade, I met him at work.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

I think the thing is (please don't shoot me) the women that go for guys after splitting have self confidence issues possibly. Let me finish... as in the women who are single then there's a guy in front of their DC's. I know one person very well who split up with the kids Dad, they had lots of men introduced into their lives quite young, even moving in with 2 of them but keeping their house as a back up, which to me wasn't the best sign. I think nearly all that she had a relationship with, if she wasn't living with them, they were pretty much parked at hers.

The way I see it, from what I know about this person is they have low self esteem issues, a man pretty much defined them. I hated the children who were young, growing up like this. They've settled down now, I hope it's forever I truly do. I truly believe her eldests probs with CAHMS were because of this revolving door of 'Daddies' who kept appearing. All the poor sod wanted was a hug, but their Mum was too busy with the men.

I appreciate if you're of low self esteem and self worth you'll let this happen possibly. I'm not saying that's always the case, or always an excuse. That's just how I read the situation.

I think it's a mature approach to at least love yourself before getting in a relationship.

Pot & kettle, my DH treats me like crap, I'm going to address that when I have the means to. But I can't do it with an empty bank balance and coppers to my name. He has gone beyond pissing me off, what he did and said this morning just shows what a cretin he is.

OP please get counselling, please get some kind of help in case for any reason you blame yourself for what happened. Really wish you all the best.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Sorry to add, starting any relationship, I think it's wise to leave it till you're sure theyre going to stick around, or you want them to stick around, before saying here's my children. It's common sense surely.

[Marmalade85]

I met my ex at work Ali but hope it works out for you and your child.

[ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh]

You sound really judgemental and nasty. Nobody's saying that having a string of strange men coming in and out of your kids lives is a good thing but I don't understand how you don't comprehend that some women seek companionship.

[Marmalade85]

Scooby I wouldn't describe myself as nasty, just think it's ridiculous people expect me to be dating when I have a 15m old child.

[Trifleorbust]

just think it's ridiculous people expect me to be dating when I have a 15m old child.

This is getting to sound a bit like a stuck record now, sorry. What would stop you dating if you weren't in your particular personal circumstances? What exactly is 'ridiculous' about it?

[Marmalade85]

Trifle because I don't understand when someone has just got out of a shit relationship and gained some independence they jump straight into a new relationship and start compromising to accommodate someone else's needs so soon. But this time there are children involved who have been through enough.

[Trifleorbust]

Marmalade85:

Not everyone would describe their previous relationship as 'shit' and for some people, a few months is plenty to start considering a weekly date night or casual fling. Your assumption that this is 'putting their children through' anything comes across as pious and exceptionally judgemental. Why should a 15 month old know anything about his mother's romantic life (not picking on your child but just using the example age of your child)?

[OnionKnight]

Why does it matter where Alisvolatpropiis met her current partner, unless you're trying to insinuate something because she met them at work, like you and your ex?