To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

Well tbh I don't think he's even thought about the house she's living in, that's just an assumption on your part.

I do think he would let us stay in the house as he has his name down for a house, he did this a while back after I told him that I can't live with him anymore.

He's not all bad, he's said and done some awful things in the past but he's also been really decent about other things, like helping my older dcs in many ways over the years, especially my ds that has bpd. I'm not defending him but just want to say that none of you know him and there are a lot of assumptions about him.

What I haven't mentioned is that about 30 years ago he was knocked down by a van, he was in hospital for a while with a head injury. There was slight damage to his brain, he went on to become depressed and suicidal and was in and out of secure units for a while. The injury has left him with memory problems and he tends to do things at a slower pace than most people but still manages to do everything he needs to do.

I didn't mention this before as I don't use that as an excuse for his behaviour but after other people have called him a few choice names I felt that it was uncalled for when you don't know the whole story. Like I say I'm not accepting the way he treats me because of the accident he had.

What do you mean he has his name down for a house?
Is the home you live in not mortgaged? Just wondering as you'd mentioned being worried she could have a claim on your home.
That would remove the issue if it's rented maybe?

A council/housing authority home or a private rental home? If the former, how has he managed to get on the the list whilst being a home owner?

www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children/overview

Our house is mortgaged, he went to our local housing authority and told them we were separating and that he was leaving and needed somewhere to live. He filled in the form and received a letter saying that his name is on the list but there wasn't likely to be anything suitable for him in the near future.

Hi Kaylasmum, as far as I understand (and I'm not a lawyer) in Scotland if someone dies without a will their estate does not go in its entirety to their married partner. In my case when my husband died his estate was split into 3. I got a third, my son (aged 5) got a third and a third was left in case there were any other family members/anyone else who had a claim. There were no other claims so that third came to me. My son will inherit his third when he is 16.
Definitely get him to do a will. It's not a difficult process.

I'd be really surprised if he gets a council property. A man on his own is last on the list for priority, even in rural councils like here.

Is Asda's quite flexible in that they could give you 16 hours during school time? Then you could claim TC/UC.

16 hours instead of 14 won't actually make any difference to a UC claim, that's a TC thing.

You can receive UC if you're working as little as one hour a week. That's the good news. The bad news, though, is that when your kids are as old as OPs, you're expected to be working full time or trying to. 35 hours a week. If you're not doing it, you're expected to provide evidence that you've been trying (though how this is going to be monitored is anyone's guess). It isn't like now where there is effectively the option to work part time until they're out of education if you want to, as long as you're on 16 hours.

This is why a few of us upthread were talking about conditionality, needing to prepare for UC and not being able to choose to work low hours. The exception is if the kids are disabled- hence the DLA stuff.

So if OP is on UC an extra 2 hours is fine, but not enough.

Expat - I don't know where you live but here it's not unheard of for single men to get a council house. My dds ex partner has a council flat with two bedrooms, he didn't wait too long after they split up.

Re UC, I've read that it's 20/25 hours that you're expected to work, not 35. If I have no-one to look after my 10 yo ds after school what am I supposed to do?? There aren't regular after school clubs where I live so what's the answer? He's too young to go home from school alone and let him into the house, no way would I do that? Also full time work is'nt that easy to come by.

If I have to cut corners on less money but my kids are happy and safe then I'm fine with that. There's more important things in life than money!

Maybe his wife is very rich and he's holding out for her dying first?

She's not very rich at all.

Maybe it is 20-25 for single parents then, I don't know. But it was mooted as 35, and as a couple with older kids it's 2x35.

I agree there's not actually enough work for everyone in your position to do 35 hours, which is why you've got to show you're looking. How that will work I don't know. I do know, thought, that UC is supposed to roll all other benefits up into 1, so the idea of managing without it isn't very realistic when your only other income is 16 hours NMW and maybe a bit of maintenance. This is why posters were telling you to prioritize applying for DLA, to try and keep you out of this mess.

Because if and when it comes in, not wanting a 10 year old to have to let themself in is not a choice people are necessarily going to be able to make. I'm not saying this is a good thing. I am saying you need to understand it.

I do understand it but my kids wellbeing comes first! Seriously how many parents would leave a 10 year old to fend for themselves while they work, especially a child with anxiety. Also what about the school holidays, what on earth am I expected to do then?

It's this damn tory government to blame, what do they know about the hardships of low wages, childcare etc

I honestly don't think there's any point in applying for DLA, I know how hard it is to be awarded it.

Everything I've read about universal credit states that you don't have to work a set amount of hours to be entitled to it. I have looked at a number of sites that all state the same, in fact the more you work, the less you get.

There's conditionality though. The expectation is that you're trying to find more work, or get sanctioned. The whole idea underpinning it is they don't want people to be able to do what you want to do.

This is why I want you to see a benefits advisor.

Cant link cos on phone, but some good info out there. Google UC conditionality, all work related requirements and in work conditionality.

"They don't want people to be able to do do what you want to do" which is what? Be there for my children? What about sahm mums and dads?

Had a look, I think it's shocking tbh. This government is being really hard on people, some are committing suicide because they're being forced back to work when they are not ready.

It's not that easy to get a fulltime job, I know of people that have applied for lots of jobs without success. I don't want to leave the job that I've been in for 25 years. Getting a second job to fit in is'nt all that simple either. And as I've said already what do I do during the school holidays for childcare??

My children have just been accepted as young carers because of their and my mental health problems and I'm going to be expected to leave them alone while I work. Sickening! This is the price I have to pay for wanting to be there for my kids.

My ds with bpd phones me about 5 times a day as he suffers from bad anxiety and is trying to reduce the amount of medication he's on and needs me to talk him down. I am considered his carer, how will I be able to help him. Not everything is straightforward, that's not real life.

I don't think any of this is fair or ok but you are arguing with the wrong people when you are arguing with us.

I'm not arguing, I'm asking questions that no one seems able to answer. And I have issues with pp who've made me feel ashamed and embarrassed 're the situation with my dp. Everybody's quick to say that I'll HAVE to work full-time and to make out that I just can't be arsed working full-time time when that's not the case. My children's happiness and mental health are of paramount importance to me.

I appreciate all the helpful advice I've been given but all the negative comments have made me feel like absolute shit.

ok, easier said than done, but ignore the negative comments

I, personally, don't know anything about benefits. I can't answer any of your questions about those. It would in any case be better for you to get bespoke advice, which is why you are being advised to make some phone calls and get some proper advice.

However. Although I don't know anything about benefits, I am a bit confused by what seems like a mismatch between your insistence that you are too ill to work more than you already do, and your children are too ill for you to work more than you do, and that this is formally recognised in a variety of ways - and that there is no point in applying for benefits on this basis.

You say there is no point as it is so hard to get awarded it. Well as I understand it, the system is supposed to be you either work, or you get benefits (or you are married and your spouse agrees to support you - let's leave partners out of it though as yours is part of the problem, not part of the solution). I know the system isn't perfect but you need to engage to have a chance of getting anything out of it.

Start making phone calls, start following the leads we're suggesting. Not because they are perfect or easy or because anyone here knows everything about the perfect person to help you, but because you have to do something.

What can we help with? You need to pick up the phone. how can we help it feel less insurmountable to do that? (or if not that, why aren't you doing it?)

I can answer your questions OP, you're just not going to like the response. Because it's basically tough shit, is the answer.

I agree its shocking and I don't think you're lazy. But that makes not one iota of difference. This is why it's so absolutely essential that you do at least attempt to get the family's disabilities and caring roles recognised.

If you don't believe me, google the conditionality groups and ask yourself which one you think you'll be in. The fact that there's no more work locally won't stop you from having to show you're searching 35 hours a week, which can include jobcentre attendance.

Hence, I echo what antigrinch has said. You've got to engage.

Although on checking, it isn't replacing child benefit. You'd still get that alongside your wage and any maintenance you manage to get off dp. UC will replace tax credits and housing benefit.

It's also not replacing carers allowance or dla...

I know a chap who does 10-2 at Tesco? Fits round school hours.

Op have you looked into carers allowance? You need to try and get your DC to claim pip or similar so you can claim if you can't work full time.