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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 29/03/2017 20:13

Unfortunately I dont have a spare 200 pounds atm or not likely to have in the near future. Hoping that WA can guide me in the right direction.

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 29/03/2017 20:22

I think a benefits advisor would be more use to you than a solicitor at the moment.

hellejuice91 · 29/03/2017 20:53

For a start is they divorce now it is highly unlikely she will be sent back she has lived over here for years and years now and she will have probably been granted permanent residency anyway.

You need to get a will drawn up quick and he needs to divorce her too. It's disrespectful to stay married after all these years

Lynnm63 · 29/03/2017 21:57

I've rtft and looked at a couple of your previous posts. He's horrendous. No judgement for the decisions you've made to date but you need to protect yourself and that's probably going to mean LTB. his divorce is probably irrelevant but you need maintenance for the dc and a will naming them as beneficiaries. Obviously he can change his will at anytime but it's a start.
It's going to be hard but it's not as though life is all unicorns and rainbows with him anyway. If you leave on your terms, up your hours to 16 so you qualify for tax credits, get maintenance for the dc, try for dla for yourself and the dc life will be easier than if he dies and the three of you are out on your ear with no warning. Burying your head in the sand and hoping is all goes away hasn't worked for the last 16 years it won't work now either.
Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

AntiGrinch · 29/03/2017 21:59

The WA advisor might not solve all your problems. Yes you do need a benefits advisor. you need advice about housing. These might all be different people, or several different people, and the advice they give is going to add up into a picture about your situation and what you can do about it. BUT. you need to start making phone calls, start following leads, start doing things. you can't do nothing because you are working or on holiday soon. you have to do things around other things. they aren't going to drop everything and say "come in now" anyway. It's chipping away at things.

Change is hard, I know, but don't worry - it won't happen too fast for you. It is going to happen slowly, and you have to get it started and it has to come from YOU

Sunshinegirl82 · 29/03/2017 22:08

How do you get to work? Could you use the journey time to make some phone calls? I think if you force yourself to make the first call the rest will be easier. There will never be a perfect moment, you're just going to have to crack on.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 30/03/2017 07:52

Where do I start? Why do I need to see a benefits advisor? Where do I find one? This all seems insurmountable.

I'm hoping that if we separate that he will leave so that I don't have to uproot my dcs from their home.

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 30/03/2017 07:57

You'd need to see a benefits advisor to find out what you'd get and how to get it if you were separating.

There may be a CAB or, less likely, a law centre near you offering this for free. It's less common fot solicitors to be benefits experts and the ones who are, are often in CABs and the like. Your local council might also offer a service. CABs also often let you get in touch via email, so works well if you're busy.

If you don't mind saying where you are, posters could probably tell you whether you're in a Universal Credit area or not.

TiredBefuddledRose · 30/03/2017 08:06

He is probably still in love with her and whilst having moved on physically wants to keep the dream alive.

Re Universal Credit - there's a post code checker on the gov.uk page which will tell you if UC is active in your area and if not when it will be.

Sunshinegirl82 · 30/03/2017 08:17

I would call WA and CAB as your first points of call. They will either be able to help you directly or, if they can't, they will be able to point you in the right direction I'm sure. Perhaps set yourself a target to call one today and one tomorrow? It's not insurmountable you just need to take it a step at a time.

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 30/03/2017 08:39

Op if you have a disability then contact mencap as they have a benefits adviser who will be able to help you. I've used them before and they're very knowledgeable about the help & benefits available to you.
www.mencap.org.uk

Write a list (keep it hidden) of all the tasks that you need to do, it's easier to manage if it's broken down into chunks. Then you just tick it off as you go along & add new jobs to the list. You can do this, absolutely you can, you just need to get your ducks in a row.

Most importantly, photocopy all vital documentation such as birth certificates, his bank statements in case you need to make a maintenance claim, his wage slip, mortgage statement, house deeds (if you can).
PLEASE DO THIS DISCREETLY, he must not find out & hide it somewhere in or out of the home

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 30/03/2017 08:44

Women's Aid has an online resource called the survivors handbook which has information on benefits & practical help. Read this and find out what's applicable to you.
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 30/03/2017 08:48

Make a safety plan in case of an emergency, start to put away money in a separate account in case of an emergency

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 30/03/2017 10:07

I don't think for one minute that he's still in love with her. But thanks for that Hmm

universal credit starts in my area next April and I stand to be about 80 pounds worse off!

I'm going to start with CAB as I think they will be the most helpful to start with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 30/03/2017 10:08

80 pounds worse off a month*

OP posts:
northernshepherdess · 30/03/2017 10:15

If he dies. She gets everything of his, house, contents, car, prized darts collection etc. No questions asked. You could appeal but... you'd more than likely lose.
He needs to get his house in order like now.

weatherbomb · 30/03/2017 10:28

protect yourself & your DC. Does beg the question why hasn't he put measures in place to protect you? A quickie uncontested divorce is relatively cheap - there's no good reason why this hasn't already been done. I think you're clear now that if anything happens you will be left with nothing. Get your name on the deeds and a will drawn up.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 30/03/2017 12:07

I think I've fully established that if he dies I'll get sweet fa! I don't know why everyone feels the need to keep telling me this. Kick a person when they're down why don't you!

He hasn't done anything about because he's a lazy sod who obviously doesn't have his priorities in order.

I get the feeling from some posters on here that they think I'm some kind of imbecile, maybe because I "only" work in a supermarket. I've never been career minded, my priority has been my children. I'm of normal intelligence and have raised/ still raising 5 dcs. I've had a lot of hard times and fought my way through them. Apart from a few posters on here I have been made to feel like an idiot and some ops seem to take delight in telling me how fucked I am.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 30/03/2017 12:29

Is there anything you could do op? Offer to do all the paperwork and stuff (I have no idea how divorce works aha)? Sounds an awful situation and I doubt you're thinking about what you'll get if he dies anyways Confused
I don't know what to suggest but I don't think you're an imbecile at all!!

TheNewSchmoo · 30/03/2017 12:31

I know people sometimes feel they are giving "tough love", but some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. The level of spite and nastiness on this thread towards the OP in places is disgraceful.

Help, support and kindness from now on eh, she's been kicked enough.

floraeasy · 30/03/2017 14:07

I know it's hard to read the more unhelpful posts, OP, but try and take only the good from the thread and ignore the rest. I think people really feel angry on your behalf but it may not be coming out right.

No matter. Just listen to the supportive and helpful advice, if you can and don't let it get to you. It's never easy sorting out stuff like this and with everything you've got on your plate, I must admit I'd be buckling under just thinking about the pressure. You are a very strong woman to have come this far.

Flowers
ElisavetaFartsonira · 30/03/2017 14:16

I think also people are reading the OP and not the updates. A lot of your earlier replies upthread OP look very different in the context of you having experienced DV. And I for one was previously working on the assumption that your DP could just be a bit useless and naive.

Have you found out yet if you're in a universal credit area?

FeralBeryl · 30/03/2017 14:27

Flowers OP it sounds like you've been through the mill. You've been so busy with everything else that this has slipped under your radar.
It seems like there are lots of separate important issues here.
I echo other posters who encourage you to contact WA.
You need help sifting through which issues need priority addressing and which can wait.

Have you met his exW? I'm surprised she hasn't wanted to free herself of him after all this time - I wonder if any deportation fears and her willingness to sign over the house with no DCs to consider come from him filling her head with bullshit.
Manipulative people often seek out vulnerable partners. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you're taking appropriate action x

justnowords · 30/03/2017 14:49

Op, you are getting a bit of a rough time on here but equally some people are goady assholes, and less attention paid to them the better. You can only go forward from here so you need to get yourself in a position where you and your children's future are secure. Is Asda's quite flexible in that they could give you 16 hours during school time? Then you could claim TC/UC. Also if your children have formal diagnosis (and even if they didn't) apply for DLA, even if you get the lowest amount it all helps. I wouldnt bank on getting to stay in the house longterm if its not in your name and your not married. Go to your Council/Housing Assoc. and get your name down for a house. Look for private rentals (although Im not sure how viable this is for a single parent who will be reliant on HB probably). Also remember you will be entitled to maintenance from your soon to be exdp so this is money you can also factor in (providing he plays ball). Laughing at all the posters telling you the dp can look after the children when you work if you leave him. Really, the fucking twat wont even divorce his wife he hasnt been with in over 16 years for the security of the mother of his kids, and his children should anything happen to him. Its not an incredible stretch of the imagination to see that he might be a total fucking shitebag to the OP if she actually leaves him. As in he will be obtrusive and unhelpful as possible.

justnowords · 30/03/2017 14:52

Do you think that dp doesnt want to divorce his wife because he's hoping she will go first and he will be entitled to all her stuff? Not that that is a good enough reason, in fact it makes it worse. He's risk the security of you and your dc for greedy stake in a house/money that morally he's probably not entitled to.