To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

Antigrinch, I haven't said I'm too ill to work. I've had the worst spell of anxiety over the last 7 months, it's been crippling. I've found it hard to go out apart from when absolutely necessary, hardly been eating and have lost 3 stone. I've forced myself to go to work and before Christmas I was working an extra 18 hours a week over 6 days. I'm not afraid to work!! Also my children aren't too ill for me to work either but I want/ need to be there for my 10 year old son when he finishes school. On the odd occasion that I've needed someone else to pick him up he gets distressed and cries. Why should I put him through that?

If I have to attend the job centre and such like fair enough, I'll do that. I'm not leaving the job I'm in, 25 years service, that means something to me. Our children grow up too quickly and I'm not jeopardizing their happiness for the sake of extra cash, I'll cut corners if need be.

SoAngry, working 10-2 in Tesco is part time hours. I work in asda and I can't just pick the hours I want, you can't do that anywhere.

Seriously beginning to think I'll be better off staying with my dp and looking into couple counselling.

Until you find out from someone who can tell you with more certainty than anyone here what you would be entitled to benefits wise I don't think you can really make any decisions about the best way forward?

I really think CAB could help you with this. Can you call them today?

Unfortunately I can't call them today as my little boy is off school unwell and my adult son has started on a planned withdrawal from his medication through the drug and alcohol team and he is spending time at my house for support, I have to watch him closely to make sure he isn't taking anything he shouldn't be.

I will call on Monday.

Just want to add that in asda a large proportion of my colleagues are mums who only work part-time, UC is going to cause havoc for all of these people concerned. If Scotland get another vote or independance I will be the first to vote in favour, no more tory fools telling us what to do.

Don't stay with your dp for benefits sake. That won't stop you from having to meet conditionality, if he isn't earning enough. And it sounds like he isn't. The expectation is that when children are older, both parents are expected to try and get full time work, if you want benefits.

You mentioned SAHPs earlier. UC is also intended not to fund that once children are older. It is aaallll change. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't work as planned, but you have to presume it will at least be attempted.

Which is why I'm so concerned that you apply for DLA and carers.

Wow, you sound like a real survivor to me. Many people would have given up long ago.
If it were me I think I would put my name down for housing. His house is not yours and still not yours if he dies. Get on the list and get your own home. It will make you feel more secure.
I'm not sure of Scottish benefits but definitely go to the CAB or benefits office and see what your entitled to. If you up your hours to 16 see how much difference this will make.
I completely get not wanting to leave your job. Having mental health issues these things are not simple to do.
Stay in your job but upping to 16 hours might make a difference to what you can claim.
Got out and get yourself set up independently.
Good luck.

I didn't say you're saying "you're too ill to work". I said you're saying that you and your family are too ill for you to work any more. And then you repeated the stuff about the anxiety all over again - in other words you made the same arguments again that you can't work any more.

You have to get some help. here are the things that posters have suggested:

• WA are an organisation who have multi-dimensional skills and knowledge relating to women in abusive relationships.

• you need benefits advice on your specific circumstances. (perhaps bearing in mind that you are too ill, or your family are too ill for you to work full time - I am not sure that you see it that way although you keep saying it, you also keep denying it- talk this through with someone)

• you might need more, or better paid, work. (depnding on what the situation is with your illness, it is not clear as you keep contradicting yourself)

• your illness itself is something you need advice on. It can be helped and you may well be more responsive to treatment when not in the sphere of an abusive man

• despite what some of the nastier posters keep aggressively saying, I think it is well worth getting legal advice on your P's house and your entitlement to its value

• you need to talk to someone about alternative housing

No one of these angles holds all the answers. but doing nothing holds absolutely none of the answers.

Perhaps why it seems that you are contradicting yourself about your state of health and your ability to be in work is that you just don't think that women or mothers should work any more than you are doing. you are really resistant to finding solutions to childcare etc and you seem to feel ideologically that your place is at home taking care of relatives.

That's an arguable position but if you argue that position you have to know who is supporting your family materially while you aren't. Traditionally women would be married to men who are then responsible for the family's material security. you are not married so that isn't happening. (I am not either - no judgement here.) So what is your solution?

I agree with anti
I've been a single parent with 2 kids and worked a 40 hour week with anxiety
It's the way of the world these days I'm afraid

With no will if he dies everything goes to his wife. She is his next of kin.

Legally you are totally unprotected and completely screwed.

With all due respect mental health affects people in all manor if ways. Two people could be depressed, one can hold down a job and carry on and the other is completely floored by it. I spent 4 days and nights in the same clothes last week. Didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't wash.

I agree, mental health issues are all different and people have different capabilities. I hope my posts are not being read as "pull yourself together and work a 45 hour week like everyone else." That's not my message.

I have a huge amount of respect for the OP, who sounds like she has many people relying on her.

I think she would be happier if she.... were happier. So would her children. Work is a part of this. Benefits that take into account her situation would be a part of this. Addressing the fact that she is living with an abusive man is a part of this. Her health is a part of this. Someone needs to start this ball rolling .... it's not all about "who will support you?" to me, but more "are you leading the life you could be leading?"

This is why I keep banging on about WA because it is incredibly powerful to sit in the same room as someone who is really hearing you, and who has practical knowledge and experience.

Open ended conversations with clued up and empathetic people are really helpful. I've done it before when looking for work - you don't go in saying "can you give me a job?" because you're inviting the answer "no". you say something more like "hey, what's going on in your line of work?" and things.... pop up. Not necessarily full time jobs with your name on it, instantly, but when you are in a meeting with the right person who is good at this, things... unfold.

So you don't go into the WA meeting and say "can you get me a full time wage?" or "can you get me a flat?" or "can you cure my anxiety?" - or even if you do, you will get richer and more nuanced answers than just "no" I hope. We know that no one agency or person can answer "yes" to those questions.

So the conversation you have starts with "here is my situation" and the WA person talks to you and things..... unfold.

We still have the NHS in this country - just about.
We still have a benefits system - just about.
there are ways of accessing free counselling.
There are ways of accessing a certain amount of free legal advice.
there are people who can advise you on housing.

I'm not getting anywhere because you don't want to act and I'm too far away and too theoretical to have an impact, and not knowledgeable enough (or empathetic enough?) but if you get in front of someone in real life they could really inspire you and help you to change things.

But you have to kick it off. they aren't going to get on a bus, go across town and come and knock on your door.

This company does merchandising for various companies. They are often looking for people to work during school hours.

www.expd8.co.uk/?s=&post_type=expd8-vacancies

This is so frustrating! Antigrinch, I haven't said I'm too ill to work more than I do. I would happily work full-time in the job I'm doing atm. I have back pain that's down to wear and tear and the fact that I've carried 5 babies. If I stand for long periods of time my back gets extremely sore, so my job on checkouts suits me well, I can sit for a while then stand for a bit which helps my back pain. I also can't do any heavy lifting because of my back and the fact that I have a prolapse (rectocele). I don't want to sit at home all day but I want to be around for my kids. I work 2 evenings from 5 til 10 and a Sunday afternoon. I would much prefer to work during the day but this way my kids don't have to fend for themselves, they have a parent with them at all times.

I don't know why you think I'm contradicting myself.

I'm resistant to childcare solutions because I don't trust just anyone to take care of my kids. My 13 yo dd was in a private nursery when she was a year old, it was awful. There were a number of incidents that I had to raise and eventually I had to withdraw her from there. I also don't think that mothers shouldn't have to work more hours than I do but it is difficult to work it all out, and I think it's hellish that there's so much pressure on them.

Mrskeats, well done for being able to cope so well but we''re not all the same. My anxiety is NOT stopping me from working more, I don't know how many times I've states this.

Helena, very helpful!

Knittedfrog, thank you. I know what you mean about the not washing etc, at my worst I only managed to get myself in the shower once a week. I felt so utterly ashamed of myself as hygiene and appearance has always been very important to me. I've been referred for cbt for the third time.

Antigrinch, your last post makes me think that you assume I'm unable to converse with people properly. I wouldn't dream of going into WA aid and ask them if they can do this, that or the next thing. Again, I'm not an imbecile or of low intelligence regardless of what you may think.

Lastly mrskeats, you say you work 40 hours a week, out of interest, who looks after your children when you're at work.

Sorry, what am I missing? Am I completely misreading what you're saying? to me your last post (1840) reads like a lot of reasons, many health related, about why the way you are working now is good in many ways and can't / shouldn't be changed? No? Sorry if I am just not getting it but thats what I keep thinking you're saying:

"I work a certain amount within the limitations of my health, and I can't work more or differently, (except when I can?), and I don't want to because of my children, and I can't get more hours anyway, probably, except when I can; but I am not saying I can't work more, except I can't."

that's what I'm seeing. Is that not what you're saying?

I am honestly not a work-ethic twat. I couldn't care less how much people work and I totally understand that it isn't as easy as some people think either to get or to do jobs.

but I still don't understand what you're saying?

Sorry I didn't mean that about the conversation with WA. I was probably talking to myself as much as anything. I've been guilty of black and white thinking at times where I think I know what I want from a conversation, know I won't get it, and so don't even start. Actually you don't know till you talk to someone where the conversation might go. Of course you know this. I am projecting becayse it's something I forget. Apologies.

yes you have to be really careful with nurseries and with all childcare. But with nurseries for babies more than anything, because they can't talk.

they aren't all ideal. But you investigate and you find something.

Here's what I did and do:

Preschoolers - combination of part time work (both me and then DP) and childminders. Very rigorously interviewed childminders. Two in total (we only changed because we moved house)

early School children - part time work and childminder

Current (primary school children) - exP and I have split. He has the children some days, I have the others. I work full time hours but I've changed my working day so I do long days when the dcs are with ex and I do short days that allow me to collect them from after school club on the days they're with me.

Holidays: it's easier now ex and I have split as we don't have the same time off work. We cover it between us and with holiday clubs.

Ok, I'll explain again!

I have back pain that's worsens on prolonged standing, I have a prolapse which obviously rules out heavy lifting. My anxiety atm isn't stopping me from working. My work will not contract me extra hours but I can pick up overtime when it's available but it's very thin on the ground just now due to cutbacks. If I could rely on overtime I wouldn't give a damn about UC as I would work all the hours I could that would fit in with my kids. Yesterday I did an overtime shift from half 9.30 to 2.30, picked up my son from school, did housework and cooked tea before going back to work at 5.30 to 10. So, I do want to work but not to the detriment of my children.

Obviously you're work are able to implement you choosing to do long days and shorter days but due to the nature of my work that's not really an option.

My dd was in the nursery from just over a year old until she was about 2 and a half. The incidents that happened came to light from my dd telling me what had happened, the nursery didn't seem to think it was important that another child had pushed my dd down the stairs and although they were aware that it happened they didn't inform me. Lots of other things happened too. I was suffering from pnd at the time and I vowed never to entrust the safety of my children to anyone else again.

that nursery does sound terrible.

Ok so if I am reading your last post correctly, the anxiety, the back pain and the prolapse are not relevant. the issue is that your current employer isn't offering the amount of work you would like to do?

How old are your children with your dh, I am presuming 3 of them are adults ?

Did he leave his wife for you? I wonder if he feels guilty and that's why he hasn't divorced her i.e. He brought her to this country from Japan and then dumped her!! Does he have any children with his wife??

Antigrinch, that's correct.

My dcs with my dp are 13 and 10. I have 3 other kids aged 32,30 and 25.

No, he didn't leave his wife for me, they were already separated. He didn't bring her here from Japan. More assumptions!! He didn't dump her, they separated like many other couples do. They have no children together.

Hi OP, look you are understandably feeling defensive. You may have made some mistakes in allowing the situation to continue unresolved for this long, however there is no point dwelling on that now. In amongst the criticism, there has been some excellent advice. I suggest you find the time to follow some of it as soon as possible. Nothing is going to change until you get out there and see what your options are. Fwiw I completely understand your childcare issues and am in full agreement that your ds is not ready to be left alone, but there may be some solution. You've worked for the same company for 25 years, have you thought about asking them for some flexibility in the hours you work? Would you be able to ask your adult children (obviously aside from your ill ds) for help? Would your dp not continue to watch them in the evenings as he does now? I think you just need to access some of the help that has already been suggested and talk to your dp to see where you stand with him. I'm sure he doesn't want to see his dc suffer any more than you do. Good luck.

"the anxiety, the back pain and the prolapse are not relevant. the issue is that your current employer isn't offering the amount of work you would like to do?"

"that's correct."

This is great news. This has gone from being a complex raft of interconnected issues including some very tricky health problems, to just being a matter of needing more hours at work.

that's something you can definitely do something about. Not instantly, and it isn't always easy, but you can do something.

I don't actually think it is as simple as that for you. I think there is something holding you back which you should talk through with someone. Not us, we're clearly not helping you as you are getting quite ratty with us, you're feeling picked on and it isn't helping you to think straight - you're just doubling down on everything without honestly thinking about what you can do and what you can change. Access some advice from someone you feel better working with.

I do think that the way modern life works is very brutal and cavalier with respect to caring responsibilities and chronic health problems.