To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

I can't believe you are being given such a shit time on here. I'm glad your dp is going to do something about this. My advice would be to make sure you see the paperwork that shows he has actually done this.

Are you sure he is not divorced? Could he be lying about that because he does not want to marry again?

Longtime - thank you.

Pitiless - I'm pretty sure he's not divorced, neither of us have been particularly keen to remarry.

Good luck with CAB Op, and also with your partner sorting things out.

I hope things improve for you, it must be very scary having to face up to your situation

Thank you rainbow, I really think the only solution is to separate though the thought terrifies me, having to start all over again with nothing, telling the kids, having to find a second job, everything really.

I want to see a solicitor but I don't have the money to pay for one.

Speak with CAB first they may be able to signpost you to some free legal advice, lots of solicitors volunteer for CAB or legal centres/clinics run weekly or fortnightly. Good luck.

You can't make him get divorced. You can't control anything he does. Only what you do. It's scary but it's also empowering. If you are unhappy and he treats you badly, you do not HAVE to take it. You have other choices! You have options! You have power!

People saying the ex is entitled to half the Ops DP's assets are incorrect. However, she may be entitled to half the joint assets, or that would be the starting point for a settlement. If her assets are greater than his, he could actually gain. Interesting how the assumption is that she's worse off.

Yes, it seems scary but you can do it.

You can see a solicitor arranged by Women's Aid - you don't pay. That was one of the most helpful and valuable hours of my life, and I didn't pay a penny.

If you separate and he really loves you and wants the best for you, he could still be there for you. If you go through this process of looking after yourself and your children and it turns out that he doesn't want to lose you, and wants to do right by you, you might find that he comes looking for you as a single man with no encumbrances. It is in his power to do so. I wouldn't base your decisions on this possibility but I just want to point out that looking after yourself, doesn't close off any options for a decent man to approach you in an honest fashion.

It's time to look after yourself. It's clear that you've spent a lot of time looking after others. Valuable work, but it doesn't bring you security. (It would if it were me who made the rules!) to you for doing it.

now look after yourself.

Your health has to be a priority, alongside (and tied up with) your material security.

you CAN DO IT!

Damn autocorrect

Op I know that some of the posts have been written with a rather brisk tone, but the bottom line is that none of us want to see you in this situation and everyone wants the best possible outcome for you.

Thank you for all the lovely replies,

I did'nt know about the woman's aid being able to get me help with a solicitor. How do I go about that?

I know this needs to be done, I just kept hoping he would change.

About the solicitor, there are two things:

If you are in an abusive relationship (I am not saying that you are) then you get legal aid for separation. Women's Aid can help you with this.

Separately, whether you are in an abusive relationship or not, Women's Aid can get you a limited amount of time (one appointment) with a solicitor on their premises.

In either case - phone or email Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk
0808 2000 247
[email protected]

How are you feeling about stuff today, Kaylasmum? Has anything progressed? Hope you are ok.

Hi, been feeling really down about it all. My dp has been verbally abusive over the years, he can be unpredictable and can throw/kick things in anger. About four years ago he kicked me in the side a number of times and put a pillow over my face, he was very shocked that he'd done that and he's never laid a finger on me since. If we argue in the car he sometimes speeds up which is very unsettling for all concerned. I'm not perfect though and I can give as good as I get verbally but it's not how I normally behave and I say things out of hurt not nastiness. I've still to make an appt with woman's aid but have managed to get a few extra shifts at work this week so have to try to fit it in.

Thanks so much for your helpful advice.

Sorry you've been feeling down. Keep focused though. make that phone call to WA. keep doing the next thing, and the next thing. Have you got a CV? Do you want help writing one?

Gosh, OP.

It's not much wonder you suffer from anxiety

You really need to set about leaving this guy. Who cares if he gets divorced or not? You are better off without his abuse.

He will need to support his kids even if you leave.

Well done on getting extra shifts at work and I hope you get that Women's Aid appointment soon.

Keep checking here. You can do this.

I really wouldn't be surprised if you start to feel better once you are more in control of what's happening. Set yourself one thing to do each day. Can you call women's aid today? Things always seem overwhelming until you start doing them, just take it one step at a time.

When (if) they Divorce, she has claim to your house anyway. It's an asset of her husband's.

You are very right to worry about yours and your children security. What a crazy situation. I think a few ultimatums are in order here. You have virtually no rights in law compared to a wife, including his wife.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time on this thread. First thing to understand is that Scots and English law are different eg divorce, succession etc. Legal Aid system is wholly separate too. A lot of the advice on this thread may be inaccurate if posters didn't know that

This site may help you to identify a local solicitor who does Legal Aid work
www.familylawassociation.org/

This may help too
www.slab.org.uk/public/

Also, if his wife considers that all financial issues were resolved between them years ago, then she may not stake a claim in his house if they do divorce

If he dies intestate (without a will) that may be a bigger concern as his wife would have prior and legal rights on the estate (and so would your children)

www.turcanconnell.com/legal/wills-estate-planning-and-succession/legal-rights-in-scotland/

www.harpermacleod.co.uk/hm-insights/2016/march/new-rules-on-succession-in-scotland-how-they-will-affect-who-inherits-your-estate/

Hi Kaylasmum. Sorry to hear about the awful things your P has done to you.

I think this is a tough thread for you. In a good way though! You are in a completely different place in terms of your understanding of your situation and your determination to do something about it. I think it is this that caused you to post about the abuse you suffered at his hands, very late in the thread. hard to think about, hard to say. but you're being honest with yourself and that's got to help, even if it hurts.

I honestly think that the fact that this awful man isn't married to you, but to someone else, is the least of your problems.

you have health issues and you need financial independence. These are connected and these are your primary concerns right now.

(I think your health issues will improve if you are not living with an abusive man. I also think that feeling more in control of your financial life and material circumstances will help your anxiety, which will in turn free you to think bigger about work and how much you are capable of)

Break things down into little manageable steps and take some steps every day.

Keep talking to us.

I will help with anything I can help with, which isn't much, but I can proof things if you are writing CVs / job applications, or help you structure them if you want.

How are you doing today? Have you called WA?

Sorry I've been busy and not had time to catch up on this thread.

Antigrinch- thank you so much for the sound advice and your offer to help. I haven't called WA yet as I'm not too sure when I'll be able to get an appt as my kids are off on holiday next week and I'm working extra hours this week.

I see an art therapist because of my son's addiction issues, and I explained all of this to her and she says that I have rights and that going to WA is a good first step. I know I have to do this but I'm scared about us splitting up and what my future will hold.

Everything's a huge mess right now, hard to think about it all.

Have a look at your diary and book the appointment on a day that's convenient for you. I doubt you'll get an appointment within the next few weeks anyway as there's always a waiting list. However, move quickly and book your place in the queue. Don't delay and don't take the word of an art therapist or anyone on this thread as the gospel truth. Speak to a solicitor and take proper legal advice, I did this and it was the best £200 that I spent.