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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
user1471505498 · 22/03/2017 16:22

I like the idea, and having gone to church for years it's something I'm familiar with. It makes life easier for me as DD1 is a very fussy eater and it's a way of ensuring that there's something she'll eat.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 16:24

001
I have an image of the op at a kids party, throwing herself across the room action movie stylee...
"NOOOOOO!!!"
In slow motion as she grabs the unsanctioned sandwich out of little Timmys hands.

There is no way to police what kids eat at gatherings and parties.
Unless you give them food issues of their own.

Out2pasture · 22/03/2017 16:32

Pot lucks are the best! A big play date, fun time to chat with other moms.
The birthday child will still receive a gift from parents and gran.
As for food safe, generally you trust your friends.

yumyumpoppycat · 22/03/2017 16:36

I think it's a great idea...although I probably would be anxting about what to provide, how much to cook etc.

Astro55 · 22/03/2017 16:43

General rule is to provide for 6 people - 6 bags of crisps or large tub of coleslaw or 2 packets of Jaffa cakes -

Nobody polices the goods!!

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 22/03/2017 17:20

IME this kind of social event is very popular/common in other more relaxed cultures

Which cultures? Genuinely interested. I'm originally from a Middle Eastern culture and feeding guests is at the heart of hospitality. It's the same throughout Asia and the ME. Even people with little money push the boat out for parties and guests. If you have unexpected guests you share whatever you have with them, even if you have very little. Big events like parties are saved for, family help with food prep and cooking. It's a matter of pride. To not feed your guests is the ultimate rudeness. I appreciate things may be different in the UK.

I've never come across a potluck party for a child's birthday, which is why I wondered if it's a new thing.

I don't think it's about money with my friend. More about saving time and effort.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 17:23

Potluck is common in the USA, I think (happy to be corrected!)

But does it matter if it's a cultural 'thing'? I don't think it's a cultural feature in the UK, particularly, but what's the problem if it IS?

And while I love the kind of hospitality and generosity you're describing ('If you have unexpected guests you share whatever you have with them, even if you have very little' etc), can you see that for some people, the idea of asking everyone to bring and share might be a better solution financially? Not to mention a fun way to share and sample different foods?

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 17:24

Sorry, x-post OP. Even if it isn't a money thing with your friend, perhaps they just think it'll be nice and relaxed? And you don't need to be mortally offended at the thought that they might like to minimise time and effort spent.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 17:33

' I appreciate things may be different in the UK. '

Obviously not if you can't seem to refrain from banging on about how utterly awful potluck is and how terrible it is that this mother has chosen a bring and share for her child's birthday in lieu of gifts.

We get it! You think it's rude, you have food issues. Have you declined the invitation yet and informed your friend you won't be continuing the relationship anymore because you think she's so rude and grabby?

'Potluck is common in the USA, I think (happy to be corrected!)'
In Canada, too, and in Australia and NZ.

IamFriedSpam · 22/03/2017 17:35

So the lo knows it's her birthday but no presents?
The parents shouldn't have a party if they can't afford to feed the guests.

lol so you'd rather DC had no presents and no party??! Most DC get loads of gifts from family and don't want or need anymore (AT three both of my DC got sick of opening presents - after the first 3/4 from family they got sick of them). I'm sure the hosts know their own child and whether the lack of gifts would bother them.

MerryMarigold · 22/03/2017 17:36

And I think South Africa as well.

EvansOvalPies · 22/03/2017 17:42

'Potluck' is not very common in the UK, although adult friends and we do it, for barbecues, especially. I lived in Germany for a few years in the 80's, and we all did it then - a real mix of nationalities, though ... Americans, Brits, friends from the Middle East and Mediterranean, Germans, Italians, French, Danes, etc. I really wish it was more common for children here, for their parties. It would be so much more sociable, and save on the useless tat they're all given. It all adds to the community friendliness, and doesn't teach children that all their parties are for is to expect and receive an often useless gift, which will undoubtedly be either regifted or donated to a local charity shop.

LaurieMarlow · 22/03/2017 17:45

In Ireland, people often do potluck without actually calling it that. It's plenty common OP, I suspect your own particular background is making you see it in a different light to others.

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 22/03/2017 17:54

op - still hasn't answered what she is going to do in the future with hall parties, community events, being invited over to houses for tea, when the kid goes to a school and will share food with other kids

What's a hall party?
Community events involving food we would bring lots, share it and eat that or stick to dishes friends/family have brought. DC have plenty of opportunity to try new dishes at friends houses or restaurants. Can't do much about sharing food at school and don't think it's healthy to repress that. I'll educate them about high risk foods and give them extra, with emphasis on sharing theirs rather than sampling someone's sun warmed chicken sandwich. It's about reducing risk not eliminating it.

I'm not saying potluck parties are awful. I haven't been to one yet! Just struggling to get my head around the idea of asking the guests to supply the food. I can see it has advantages. But mainly for the host.

Would work well if you're a group of close friends and you ALL do potluck for birthday parties. But if other hosts go to lots of time, effort and expense to provide lovely party food isn't it a bit mean to say 'bring your own food' when it's your turn to host?
A bit like enjoying your friends' hospitality at dinner parties then when it's your turn saying 'I can't cook' and asking everyone to bring a course.

I don't begrudge bringing food, it just feels odd to be told to!

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 17:58

if other hosts go to lots of time, effort and expense to provide lovely party food isn't it a bit mean to say 'bring your own food' when it's your turn to host?
A bit like enjoying your friends' hospitality at dinner parties then when it's your turn saying 'I can't cook' and asking everyone to bring a course.

Only if you keep a spreadsheet or something, so you can keep track of who's cooking and who isn't. Confused

God, I've had people over before and we've ordered in, or someone has brought pudding or a starter or whatever. I assume I must be on everyone's blacklist as 'the tight one'.

Or maybe my friends aren't that judgy.

LaurieMarlow · 22/03/2017 18:01

But your friend has made bringing food a condition of not bringing a present. So all the effort and expense of sorting a present has been taken away. That doesn't feel like a bad exchange to me, at all.

rogueantimatter · 22/03/2017 18:01

I haven't heard of this for children's parties. I like to host and feed people. I make a point of having plenty of food - leftovers the next day - fab.

In some circumstances it would be great to have a contribution - eg if the 3YO has a baby sibling or there's some other time pressure on the parents.

We never had a huge party for the DC. It was either family or a small group of friends as it seemed excessive for just a birthday. Just my opinion though.

IamFriedSpam · 22/03/2017 18:14

But if other hosts go to lots of time, effort and expense to provide lovely party food isn't it a bit mean to say 'bring your own food' when it's your turn to host?

Have you been to many children's parties? It's usually sandwiches and shop bought stuff that's been decanted onto paper plates. Hardly a huge amount of effort. And of course not everyone goes to the same expense for birthday parties - some people can afford more than others - if anything this party will be cheaper to attend since it's much easier to bring a cheap dish than to find a cheap gift for a child.

Also don't assume the advantages are all for the host - just read the replies to your own post -most people love pot lucks. You get to try a larger variety of food often from different parts of the world. Lots of people like cooking and welcome the chance to show off their signature dish and those that don't aren't under pressure to put much effort in.

Out of interest why are you so obsessed with the tiny risk posed by food poisoning? Have you actually looked at the statistics about how unlikely your child is to be seriously harmed by food poising?

Floggingmolly · 22/03/2017 18:20

most people love pot lucks. You get to try a larger variety of food often from different parts of the world
For an adult event, certainly. For a three year old's you'll mainly get jam sandwiches and wotsits.

honeyroar · 22/03/2017 18:24

OP, so you're not much of a friend? If someone's having a hard time and can't afford a party or dinner party, they shouldn't try and find another way to host a cheaper party for their kids, they should just not have a social life unless they keep up with the Jones and all the effort they put in (usually far OTT and unnecessary).

EvansOvalPies · 22/03/2017 18:30

fourteenlittleducks - have you still not yet grasped the concept of this. The host is asking people to bring a dish INSTEAD OF a tacky gift. The host is not being miserly. You are being a misery.

1horatio · 22/03/2017 18:40

But if other hosts go to lots of time, effort and expense to provide lovely party food isn't it a bit mean to say 'bring your own food' when it's your turn to host?

No, it's not. If you want to invest the time and money to prepare an elaborate food? That's your decision. It shouldn't be done because you want something in return but because you want to do it.

And anyhow, if 30 people were to bring gifts... So, 30 little plastic trinkets? That seems awful.

the child is 3. A gift from the parents, a gift from each godparent, maybe something from the grandparents, maybe an aunt, great-aunt etc? That's more than enough.
I personally think this idea is lovely.

I hope I remember it when it's time for DD to invite friends (her first birthday will be more of a family affair, obviously)

1horatio · 22/03/2017 18:45

Btw, potlucks are also pretty great for children (and adults) with food allergies/specialised diets. There will be at least one dish they can eat (which is definitely not always the case)... And it's also certainly easier to bring an additional little box of gluten free sandwiches or whatever for a DC.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 18:49

So you won't be going? You find your friend grabby, so you'll be cutting her a wide berth from now on since you find her rude? Probably for the best, she might not want to hang out with people who have food hangups/orthorexia/etc., I find such folks a total misery and a damp squib on fun. Maybe she invited you as a courtesy but has started a thread on another huge forum about her weirdy 'friend' who has food issues, is obsessed with food poisoning and how awkward it always is to hang out with her, under 'Should I invite this person?' That would be rude, though. Hmm

00100001 · 22/03/2017 18:52

A hall party ... A party in a clearly. Normally a village or church hall with games and entertainers.

Often whole classes are invited 30+ kids

There will be food

Food from an unknown source

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