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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2017 21:34

" By the time a bunch of three-year-olds have rummaged about in the bowl of crisps and fingered all the sandwiches, I don't think their provenence has any bearing on hygiene."
And don't forget the spit birthday cake :)

Notcontent · 21/03/2017 21:38

I think it would be ok except that I think it would be mean to have a party for a 3 year old with no presents from his or her friends! At that age they do understand the concept of presents and parties!

PlinkPlonkPlunk · 21/03/2017 21:39

A friend of mine did this for her son's birthday party. It was lovely - no stressing about presents, no big expense. Everyone just turned up and had fun. I'm sure he got gifts from family, though.

DorcasthePuffin · 21/03/2017 21:40

I think it's fine and not grabby.

Jemimapiddleduck · 21/03/2017 21:41

Very common in my country - most people bring a dish to any party that is hosted (we all ask anyway!)

It's lovely to have a variety of food and all you have to bring is chips and dip if you can't be bothered!

StewieGMum · 21/03/2017 21:42

Why is everything on MN that is even slightly different than the norm dismissed as 'grabby'? Are people really that unwilling to even consider that other people might have different traditions or ideas of fun? Honestly, it's like Miss Marple gets wifi on here sometimes.

Notso · 21/03/2017 21:46

Ugh.

Don't forget your tambourine just in case you finish up with a rousing chorus of Kumbaya.

Proper laughed at this Grin

People do it because food here is expensive and there seem to be a TONNE of kids with allergies and intolerances here. Sometimes it's just easier.
I get the cost thing but surely it makes it harder for parents of kids with allergies, or do you just bring food for your own child?

228agreenend · 21/03/2017 21:48

I think that's a bit weird. If you don't want lots,of,plastic tat presents, then just say so. Ie. 'No presents' on the invites. I would expect the parents to host food as well.

Does anyone else feel sorry for the child, when his guests turn up with a plate of sausage rolls instead of a present? At that age, they would understand that at birthday parties, you get presents.

Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 21:51

It seems unfair that the birthday child is not getting presents, when they'll be aware that their friends do. Not as if catering for a kids' party has to be difficult or expensive either. Under a tenner on crisps, those mini cake things, cocktail sausages and squash would cover it. Some kind of catering ought to be provided if you're hosting a party, is my boringly traditional view.

altiara · 21/03/2017 21:58

You don't know if the birthday child is having tonnes of presents from friends and family. Mine did at 3 - so more presents from preschool friends was just too much. There is nothing wrong with birthday child having some nice big presents from parents and a party without the need to associate the two together.
We don't really know the ins and outs so we're commenting on our own perception of this but really if the parents are making an effort to give their child a party, they're probably not letting him go gift free as well Smile

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2017 22:04

What "effort" is involved in having the guests do the catering?

Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 22:04

Well I'd have thought if you were making the effort to give your child a party, you'd provide some food for your guests, but I was wrong about that in this instance Confused

TheRealPooTroll · 21/03/2017 22:08

It's not the norm where I live but I wouldn't mind. Maybe the parents are going to use what they save on catering to buy the child some gifts they know they will want and use?

scanbran · 21/03/2017 22:21

Oh God I was invited to one of these and the host provided only the birthday cake (both doctors so money is no issue) I was annoyed that I had spent more time than her on food.

The "dish instead of presents" is putting a condition on invitees, they have to bring something. I wouldn't have a problem well not really if it was an adult party, but really 3 year old's require a few crisps, ice cream and jelly so it isn't as if party food is going to be a massive expense.

This is nearly as bad as the party for a 6 year old where broccoli soup was the only party food. The smug mum thought she was amazing but I've never seen such deflated kids before!

scanbran · 21/03/2017 22:23

^ It was worthy of a DM front page with 30 sad faced children.

landofgiants · 21/03/2017 22:29

My son and I went to a party like this and it was lovely......I thought it was a really nice idea...... until I got norovirus.

ShelaghTurner · 21/03/2017 22:29

Never come across it for a kids party but wouldn't be bothered if I did. The children just want to play together and eat cake. They don't generally give a toss about how the party is organised!

SilverdaleGlen · 21/03/2017 22:30

I don't like it.

Can't justify why without channeling my mum and saying Its just not the done thing.

Astro55 · 21/03/2017 22:38

the importance of presence over presents.

Agree - very much the done thing here as well!

Host usually provides drinks and venue - mums turn up with bags of crisps sausage rolls etc

Kids have a fab party without the hassle of gifts - it's really nice way of doing things and hopefully because more normal

its just not the done thing

Says who? Who gets to make the rules? Who says we can't challenge them and do things differently?

Falafelings · 21/03/2017 22:40

I think it's a really nice idea! Good food, no cluttering gifts and it's purely about enjoying time with friends.

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 22:43

I'm not sure what your problem is, how is asking for a dish grabby but asking for a gift OK

Because you don't ask for gifts. It's the done thing to bring one but not to expect one. You can give a small token gift like a sticker book if budget doesn't allow for more.

There are 30 children invited. So potentially 30 food contributions from different places! I never let DC eat cakes from fete stalls, let alone food cooked by strangers. I know the host has good standard of hygiene (seen inside her kitchen). I expected the food to be prepared by her or a reputable catering company.

Yes might be to save costs, but why invite so many if can't afford to feed them? It's over lunchtime.

Agree with the plastic tat to some extent. But also think most kids love opening plastic toys/art stuff/books/stickers etc. You can always pass it on or send to charity.

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 21/03/2017 22:44

I think they don't want lots of gifts so are using the bring a dish as a lot of people will feel awkward attending a party without bringing something.

scanbran · 21/03/2017 22:44

It isn't a presence over presents though; if that was the case then they would just say "no presents please" but they are requesting that you bring something in lieu of presents.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 21/03/2017 22:45

I think it would be ok except that I think it would be mean to have a party for a 3 year old with no presents from his or her friends! At that age they do understand the concept of presents and parties!

It's only in recent years that parents have felt the need to have parties for pre-school children, people used to just have a small tea party at home with family. Parties for young children are more for the parents and the guests are not their friends (i.e. freely chosen); they are the children of the parents' friends.

BaronessBomburst · 21/03/2017 22:46

DS' school does this regularly. Christmas, Easter, any excuse they can think of. All the children are asked to being a savoury/ sweet/ protein/ bread/ whatever dish to feed 6 children, and then the teachers supervise. Sometimes it's a class breakfast, sometimes a lunch.
I'm not in the UK though