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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
DaffodilsinMarch · 22/03/2017 15:12

I mean it's nice to show a child people making/bringing food for each other and sharing it. It's nice that (presumably) people will bring a range of things, maybe some that are new to the child and/or the parents, which is interesting and fun. It's nice (if money is a concern, and we don't know that it isn't) that the child will be able to have lots of friends to share their birthday with them regardless of the parents' finances.

Exactly!

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 22/03/2017 15:16

I love potluck stuff - I like trying what other people eat.

If you don't want to celebrate the child's birthday then don't fucking go, it's not hard is it?

LaurieMarlow · 22/03/2017 15:19

Actually it's such a good idea I think I might do the same for DS's birthday. He's three in a few months.

Neat way of getting round the presents thing.

Astro55 · 22/03/2017 15:24

I dont think we have ever had the same thing brought

So much choice - sausage rolls crisps chocolate cakes bread sticks cheese fruit salads crusty breads pasta sweets crackers drumsticks rice dishes coleslaw-

Nothing particularly 'home made' I usually do that bit!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 15:32

The things people stress about baffle me tbh.

In my social circle, whether child or adult parties, it is perfectly normal to do pot luck things (UK) for parties.

In fact the last one I went to was a wedding, and it was amazing. (and I credit people with enough imagination to bring different dishes! We do talk to each other!!)

Why should a childs birthday not be a community event?
They are part of the community, and will one day grow up to be an active memeber.

I will also be banning presents from DS's upcoming birthday.
He has tonnes of stuff, a lot of my friends are v poor, and I would rather they brought themselves and a bag of crisps, than a £shop plastic toy that will end up in the toy box, forgotten until I take it to the charity shop.

The environment and the people in sweatshops making all this birthday tat for pennies would be a lot better off if we stopped all this consumption and just enjoyed each others company.

How can asking for probably cheaper dish over a piece of pointless plastic be "grabby"??

I dom't care about (snobby) attitudes of the "proper" ay to dothings, who cares if everyone is happy??

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 15:37

Oh and DS will not feel hard done by.
He will get presents from lots of people, but he also loves having people here, the company, the chat, the music, the atmosphere etc.
That is a better present than a pile of plastic tat he doesnt really care about.

Plus I want him to grow up appreciating people, not just the "stuff" they can give him, which I have noticed in some kids recently.
Some of my friends kids literally expect presents when they see people, and I think that's a shit attitude to grow up with.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 22/03/2017 15:42

'Breaking bread' means eating together, not everyone chipping in to supply the food!

You're right, breaking bread does mean eating together, but you're wrong that it always has to mean the host supplies all food.
You seem very rigid in your thinking, ethnocentric and narrow minded.

TinfoilHattie · 22/03/2017 15:46

Food poisoning can be serious, but it is also pretty rare

yes and anyone who knows anything about food hygiene knows what food pose the main risks - chicken, prawns/shellfish, uncooked eggs, unpasteurised cheeses, burgers not cooked through, cross contamination from any of the above to things like salad.

Typical children's party food - cheese sandwiches, jam sandwiches, crisps, breadsticks, fairy cakes, jam tarts is all very low risk. As a poster above said people who like cooking will make something, others will buy something.

OP would have had a hairy fit today - it was a class assembly thing at my daughter's school, everyone was asked to send "treats" to be shared with the children and adults, everything was laid out on a long table and everyone shared! And very good it was too. Haven't heard of anyone keeling over in the playground yet.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 15:48

a hairy fit

I love that. Grin

xStefx · 22/03/2017 15:54

I think " bring a dish" is fine
I think "bring a dish instead of a present" for a 3 year old NOT fine

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 22/03/2017 15:54

What if all the guests take the same dish? Is the host specifying what to bring?

Nope. I'm not sure what will happen if everyone brings crisps!
I've been to a few potluck parties and picnics as a student. But it was a small group and we delegated who would bring what!

Your poor kids. So much joy to be had in cakes from fete stalls, eating out, BBQs. It's awful to deny them because of germ terrors

We do eat out and go to bbqs at friends' houses. We also host bbqs and I bake regularly. What is this fete-cake joy we're missing out on?

OP posts:
BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 15:56

Very different to a stranger's kitchen, where food could be out of date, left out of fridge all day, contaminated by pets, dirty utensils etc.
Do everyone a favour and stay home in your hygienic bubble.

IME this kind of social event is very popular/common in other more relaxed cultures. I've been to many parties that have been catered like this. Everyone brings their best dish or buys something nice so the food is always top notch.

DoingThisRight · 22/03/2017 15:57

Yanbu, it's not ok to bring a dish instead of a present especially for a child. So the lo knows it's her birthday but no presents?
The parents shouldn't have a party if they can't afford to feed the guests.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 16:01

Still slagging off your mate, calling her grabby, banging on about how it should be in the world according to yourself. Does this make you feel happy? Morally superior? Why not just decline and move on from her? She doesn't share your hangups and antiquated views about how things should be.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 16:02

'The parents shouldn't have a party if they can't afford to feed the guests.'

It's a good thing it's obvious so many people disagree with such a miserable point of view.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 16:05

DoingThis
THis is incredibly narrow minded and offensive "The parents shouldn't have a party if they can't afford to feed the guests.

If the people in my area lived by this, we would never, ever have parties.

No one in my social circle has enough money to host a party, but if we all get together and contribute we can, and thus every kid gets a party.

Why is hosting and feeding people more important than, you know, actually seeing and partying with people you care about and what to share a special time with?

And my kid does not expect presents from parties, he like the company and the fun, and really isn't keen on random plastic shite. He has very specific things he likes, and will be getting fromm close friends and family.
I would hate to think that the vast majority of my v skint friends felt they had to spend money on a toy, rather than just turn up and make a fuss of DS.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 16:07

Im 100% with you expat
What a horrible and narrow way to look at social events.

To me it is literally all about company and community, and luckily my friends feel the same.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 16:07

Well said, Lana and expat. Fuck's sake, some people on here are grubby, judgemental miseries!

irregularegular · 22/03/2017 16:08

I don't think a 3 yr old would really have an expectation that at a birthday party guests bring presents. Age 3 was the first "proper" party I did for my daughter and my son didn't have one. Also at a large party the presents are usually opened later. I'm sure he/she will be very happy with the family presents.

The parents shouldn't have a party if they can't afford to feed the guests

I think this is just fundamentally wrong. Why should a 3 yr old, her family and her friends not have a fun celebration together, just because the family is short of money.

Having said that, I'd be quite surprised if money was the reason here. As people have said, catering for a 3 yr old's party doesn't need to be expensive. I could imagine friends of mine doing this and it wouldn't be a money issue - in fact the would probably provide champagne for the grown ups to go with the pot luck. Even if it was only cheesy wotsits!

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 16:10

Does it matter if they have money or not? They've asked for a bring and share rather than gifts. It's an invitation, not a summons. If you find it distasteful, then don't go!

MerryMarigold · 22/03/2017 16:10

The more I think about it, the more I want to attend this party. I LOVE tasting other people's food/ picking up new recipes. I love socialising with adults as well as kids (sounds like this is the plan rather than dumping kids as they would not need that much food just for kids). I HATE buying plastic tat for kids I don't know that well, even books they may not read/ already have/ dislike. Birthday present buying is the bane of my life. I would love turn up with a dish, and maybe a fiver for the birthday child, they can spend how they like.

EvansOvalPies · 22/03/2017 16:13

I think this is a great idea. As an adult (with adult friends (!) we've all been doing this for years - go to each other's homes, take along a party dishl I so wish this had been a thing when my DC were little (for children's parties). I admire the party host - party for children, great time had by all. Tacky presents, (often unwanted, from our experience) which will more often than not end up in the charity shop - so silly.

It seems odd that some posters want their children to EXPECT a gift, when surely the message should be to get together to have a fun time.

YABU, in my personal view, OP

EvansOvalPies · 22/03/2017 16:15

It would only be 'grabby' if the host was asking you to bring a dish of food AS WELL as a gift. Instead of, is not grabby at all.

WaegukSaram · 22/03/2017 16:15

I think this sounds like a great idea!

OP you know that the food you buy in supermarkets, at the farmer's market etc has all been handled, right? It may shock you to know that this food is not packaged and produced by sterile fairies.

I also think you need to unclench, you'll be giving your kids issues. Not letting them eat cake from a school fete, FFS!

00100001 · 22/03/2017 16:17

op - still hasn't answered what she is going to do in the future with hall parties, community events, being invited over to houses for tea, when the kid goes to a school and will share food with other kids...

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