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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 21:21

It's joyless to think there is only one way of doing things. Don't go OP, you won;t enjoy it and neither will anyone hearing you moan about it.

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 23/03/2017 21:26

Aurora, if you don't have space for 30 presents or dislike plastic tat, why not state 'no presents please' on the invitation?

Maybe it's cultural, but I don't like the idea of asking guests to bring anything. Their presence should be enough.

Feeding guests (in my culture) is about generosity and sharing what you have. People make the effort to attend your special event, to celebrate your child's birthday. You show your appreciation by offering food, drink, entertainment etc. Some bring a gift, others don't, it shouldn't matter. When did a gift or contribution become compulsory? Food in lieu of a gift feels jarring.

What if someone is on a tight budget and doesn't have food to spare? Or feels awkward because they can only afford to bring a packet of cheap biscuits? In contrast, gifts are usually wrapped and opened after the party. They can be handmade, or a regifted item. Gifts are optional and discreet.

I don't think you need guests contributing food to make a party joyful. Joy comes from being together, welcoming friends into your home and having fun.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 23/03/2017 21:34

Oh fgs OP, just don't go. I still can't wrap my head around why you're so against it, but it's clearly annoying you to a bizarre degree so you won't enjoy it.

kentparent · 23/03/2017 21:36

Stop being so judgemental. If you don't want your dc to go then refuse the invite. Not every parent has to do exactly the same thing as everyone else variety is good.

ilovechocolate07 · 23/03/2017 21:40

Maybe they don't fancy a house full of toys (some of which won't be removed from boxes 2 years later) so asked for food instead.

Breadwidow · 23/03/2017 21:54

OP, you are insane to be so offended by this. When you say no presents people bring presents, this is way of avoiding that & saving some hassle for the host. You may not like it but guess what, it's not your party! Don't go if you hate the idea that much

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/03/2017 22:00

I actually really dislike the term 'grabby' I'm not sure why.

Yabu op. The solution if a children's party doesn't work for you is to decline.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 22:07

People in all cultures can understand that their way is not the only way, and that there are various ways to do things. Don't pull the "its cultural" card.

You keep contradicting yourself:
I don't think you need guests contributing food to make a party joyful. Joy comes from being together, welcoming friends into your home and having fun

The first has nothing to do with the second. Plus you've already said that you HAVE to feed your guests properly, so no fun without that, for you.

Why not just chill out and accept that other people do different things, and might also be fun?

JonesyAndTheSalad · 23/03/2017 22:10

Ducks well in MY culture, guests are about spending TIME together.

Not money.

Astro55 · 23/03/2017 22:23

Their presence should be enough.

Or YOUR presence is enough! Are you the queen?

Fairysnuff321 · 23/03/2017 23:00

Sounds totally reasonable, good idea.
Much easier to buy/make a bit of food than shop for a present for a kid you don't know well. saves waste, makes sure your child has something they'll like to eat. I don't see the problem.

SuperBeagle · 23/03/2017 23:34

OP, you really come across as a miserable turnip, so maybe they're better off without you there.

CloneClubSestra · 24/03/2017 00:07

fourteen I said when toddlers attempt to eat dirt, I wasn't serving it up on a plate and feeding them with my own never-seen-soap hands. Hmm

My toddlers were allowed far enough out of my physical range to get the dirt to their mouths before I could scoop them up. They're exposed to many bacteria and germs just by sharing other toddler's toys, let alone the chance of babies and toddlers having faecal matter on their hands...

expat OMG polar pizza! I'm making that! Thanks!

Freomom · 24/03/2017 00:38

In Australia the bring a "plate" culture is widely accepted. (It is expects to be full of food) I think it's a great idea. It's maybe an effort by the parent not to add to landfill with all the gifts that most kids don't need. Ps: this is very useful for grown up parties too, just as long as you bring a bottle as well as a plate. Makes entertaining far less hassle and more fun. I'm heading to a bring a tapas veg, meat and dessert or cheese dish soon. Along with incrediants for a cocktail. The host doesn't have to fork out to feed 20 guests or spend all day cooking. Less stress more fun, no judgment.

Aurora87 · 24/03/2017 00:47

Putting 'no presents please' on the invitation is not effective! People still bring presents because it is the done thing and they don't want to be the only ones not to. By asking guests to bring a dish they can still bring something - guest is happy as they feel they have contributed something that is wanted and host is happy as they are not lumbered with another piece of plastic they have no home for. It doesn't matter what culture you come from, we should all be able to respect the different ways we choose to do things.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2017 00:50

Sounds fab, Freom! I'm from American, potlucks are common. Get a big snowstorm in Denver, then the sun breaks out, BBQ! Come one, come all! Superbowl parties, 4th of July parties, weddings, birthdays, commonly potluck. Great fun! Bringing my baked bean casserole and my polar pizza and a box of tinnies to share with mates. Homebrew common, too. What would the OP think! Oh, the hygiene!

My Scottish h has a first cousin in Tasmania, always sharing photos of big potlucks on the beach, even for her children's birthday parties What's not to like? The ultimate surf and turf. Would love to go! My big worry would be my kids not having a lot of open water experience due to its requiring a wetsuit here, the water is so cold, but hey, cousins to teach, they're strong swimmers. Unclench and live!

MDFalco · 24/03/2017 06:33

your special event
A birthday party for a three-year-old? That most parents will only attend on sufferance.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 24/03/2017 06:50

Makes entertaining far less hassle and more fun

This I don't agree with, I'm squeamish about food/ leftovers so in my own house need to be in control of the food Blush

jcne · 24/03/2017 07:18

Much better idea than wasting money on load of tat to spoil a child with. Teach them that celebrating doesn't have to involve certain conventions.

LineysRun · 24/03/2017 07:33

OP, thinking that takeaways are safe because an environmental health inspector occasionally inspects the premises is just naive.

Our local paper regularly reports on the horrors that lie within takeaway kitchens. I mean, truly disgusting stuff.

And our environmental health team is now so depleted of budget that they are at a point of only inspecting kitchens where there is a prima facie cause of concern. The 'rating system' is in tatters.

So to prefer a takeaway over another parent's plate of cheese sandwiches suggests your risk barometer has been unduly affected by a misplaced trust in 'the authorities'.

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 24/03/2017 07:34

Ducks well in MY culture, guests are about spending TIME together.
Not money

Who pays for the food then? Your guests?

OP posts:
LineysRun · 24/03/2017 07:36

So it's actually all about money?

Astro55 · 24/03/2017 07:46

No because you'd have to feed your child and yourself anyway - so bringing something to share doesn't cost anymore

And it means more people can come -

As it's casual you don't expect an invite in return BUT you are more likely to be invited because there is no real cost -

Everyone gets together which is what it's all about

00100001 · 24/03/2017 07:50

OP

Any response yet for the Hall party?

How are you going to police your child's food intake when they're at school and will naturally share food with their friends?

amboinsainbos · 24/03/2017 07:55

Of course it will cost the guest money, Bring and Share does not mean bring enough for yourself, you should bring enough to share with everyone. If you are bringing a bag of haribo/party rings that is obviously inexpensive, but a "dish" in my community context is proper food, which for 30 people can be very expensive.