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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
00100001 · 22/03/2017 12:25

There really is no issue with the request for food instead of present. What the flip would a 3 year old need 30+ presents for? It would be waste of your money to provide a present that more than likely won't get used or even out of the packaging, because the child will either have it, or won't want it. It is likely to get passed on in some way.

Or you could take a bowl of pasta salad, which will cost £2 and will get enjoyed by people there.

I fail to see why you wold encourage consumerism over community and coming together.

It's a poor message to send your child and others.

scanbran · 22/03/2017 12:29

It's the principal. Providing food for guests is the cornerstone of hosting (across most cultures). Telling guests to bring own food to a party seems inhospitable. Different if it's a group of friends organising a get together or a family gathering.

^This!

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 12:33

Yes, therapy. And decline this invitation.

scanbran · 22/03/2017 12:34

Or you could take a bowl of pasta salad, which will cost £2 and will get enjoyed by people there.

Why are you assuming that all children will not want/enjoy their presents, but they will all enjoy a pasta salad? If there are 26 bowls of haribo/party rings I seriously doubt the 3 year olds will be fighting over the pasta salad

scanbran · 22/03/2017 12:41

I fail to see why you wold encourage consumerism over community and coming together.

This isn't a Fairtrade coffee plantation, it's a 3 year old's party Hmm I don't think the party mum in question set the tone well by stating "dish instead of present". What if someone wasn't going to buy a present due to lack of finances, had some plastic tat something spare and was going to give that, but now has to pay for their child to attend the party?

Children's parties are not usually a community initiative/charitable event, in which case I would think it is fine for organizers to request (rather than state) that a "bring a dish" is the thing.

ShelaghTurner · 22/03/2017 12:47

PovertyJetset that party sounds amazing. Can I be friends too?

irregularegular · 22/03/2017 12:49

Those (few) people saying that this is wrong because you shouldn't expect a present...

When has anybody, ever, turned up at a children's birthday party without a present, really?

irregularegular · 22/03/2017 12:50

OP - you clearly don't think there is any chance that you are being even remotely. So there isn't much scope for debate really.

scanbran · 22/03/2017 12:55

Irregular I went to a 10th birthday party once without a present Blush It was in the summer holidays and my DM had forgotten about it. The party girl knocked on my door to remind me, childminder said "on you go". My DM did send a present several weeks soon after though. There have been threads on here where posters have said they couldn't afford to buy something as a present in the £ shop, which seriously made me rethink the assumed present.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 13:11

I think a bring-a-dish party sounds nice, regardless of what age person it's for.

As for hygiene, honestly, do you imagine all the other guests' parents live and cook in squats?

ImFuckingSpartacus · 22/03/2017 13:18

I never let DC eat cakes from fete stalls, let alone food cooked by strangers

This is the weirdest bit about this thread. Your children aren't allowed any bought food, no restaurants, no kids parties, no takeaway, nothing?
Weird. And super controlling.

honeyroar · 22/03/2017 13:19

The people worry about hygiene baffle me. If you're that worried about hygiene then surely this system is better as you can just eat your own dish if you're worried!

I think it's a nice thing to suggest of you haven't much money. The child gets a fun day with all their friends celebrating, which they might not have been able to have if the parent can't afford it. Its sad how many people have turned their nose up at it.

Yogimummy123 · 22/03/2017 13:21

Sounds really friendly & a good way to avoid all the tat people get for birthdays. Maybe parents are buying a big gift for the child? Seems common to have a big gift, or a party as it's difficult to afford both. This sounds like a good way to stay social without breaking the bank for anyone..

Jackiebrambles · 22/03/2017 13:23

OP you are like that bloke Phoebe in Friends went out with who was an environmental health/food hygiene inspector - he shut down everywhere they went and ruined all the fun! Grin

I haven't come across this for a kids party before but I don't think its a bad idea. But then I love a good cake from a fete stall, they always taste yum. Maybe its all the cat litter in them?

PerspicaciaTick · 22/03/2017 13:33

Food issues? Or common sense to avoid food from unknown sources?

Issues - huge great issues hiding behind a thin veneer of judging all other parents (for being grabby, tight and dirty).

PeachPants · 22/03/2017 13:34

We are literally drowning in toys in our house, we have tried asking family to take our DD on day's out, etc for birthdays, christmas, etc - nothing expensive (if you ask her what she would like to do if she could pick anything, she says the park!) but they still go over the top in laws Angry

So, we would actually love this!!

TheGaleanthropist · 22/03/2017 13:34

You mention traditions of hosting, but I think you are missing the traditions of sharing food/breaking bread that are strong in a potluck. It's all about sharing. So it is different from everyone bringing their own packed lunch. Is it likely to be a fairly multicultural event? It's a very good way to break down cultural barriers, food sharing.

Also "bring a dish to share" is a big thing in some types of Buddhism, so maybe see if the hosts have Buddhist connections.

It's also big in green circles, which given the "don''t bring a gift" bit, makes me think this could be a green family- emphasise community and sharing at a celebration, not materialist consumption.

diddl · 22/03/2017 13:34

30 kids-not surprised that they cba to cater!

Hygiene (or lack of) wouldn't occur to me at all, it does seem bad manners, but I guess it's just not the done thing.

amboinsainbos · 22/03/2017 13:46

I can see why the no more plastic tat is probably a good thing for the adults, but surely then you would just say no presents please?

I think potlucks are a great way to get communities together, "breaking of the bread" etc, but not at an individual's party. Children's parties are usually to celebrate their age, they are the centre of attention etc, it is not about "coming together of the community" as such.

Getdownwiththesickness · 22/03/2017 13:53

I personally wouldn't dream of asking. I love making up a mini buffet for everyone! I couldn't afford a party this year and was put off as I spent a lot last year on a bouncy castle and a massive spread for 1 nursery friend to show. My LO's birthday is tomorrow so I've just bought some easter crafts, cakes, biscuits, sandwich platters and doing a mini tea party. Only invited 2 friends, but said to my own friends to come over n save buying their lunch lol.

If I was you id take along a couple boxes of breadsticks and some dips and maybe just a small toy.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 13:54

Children's parties are usually to celebrate their age, they are the centre of attention etc, it is not about "coming together of the community" as such.

I don't see why it shouldn't be. Confused Children are part of the community, are they not?

Snoreborewhoree · 22/03/2017 13:56

Wow, people will moan about anything, maybe be grateful they invited you and child to celebrate with them?

At three years old I'm gonna assume that child won't be used to a truck load of presents being bought by guests so won't notice lack of them, maybe like another user suggested they are trying to teach their child presence over presents, is that such a terrible thing? Maybe they also thought it would be cheaper for other guests instead of forking out on a present?

On the hygienic front I wouldn't say any less hygieneic than eating out, you never know what someone has on their hands or how they cook it

Either way it's their party, their choice

rogueantimatter · 22/03/2017 13:57

The hygiene aspect that would slightly bother me isn't food brought by 30 different sets of people, though I do sometimes worry about the amount of people who eat sandwiches for lunch that they have taken out of a fridge in the morning and not kept chilled. As pps have said, it's the large number of people touching, coughing etc over the food. And the thought of food sitting out at room temperature for an extended period of time.

It didn't stop me from letting my DC go to parties though. I used to feed them before they went so they would hopefully not eat too many sausage rolls etc. Probably didn't work though.

Porpoiselife · 22/03/2017 13:58

Lets hope those 3 year olds are hungry then! 30 dishes is a lot to get through!

I think the last party my 3 year old attended he ate maybe 4 crisps, a jammie dodger and a mini sausage.

rogueantimatter · 22/03/2017 13:59

I thought the a dish was a great idea until you mentioned that 30 children are invited.