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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think party tea should be provided by the host not the guests?

293 replies

fourteenlittleducks · 21/03/2017 20:48

Or is this a thing now?

Friend's child turning 3. Invitation says to bring a dish instead of a gift.

I've never been to a party where food isn't provided by the host! It seems grabby to get your guests to bring the food with them. The point of birthday gifts is for the child's pleasure, not to save parents the expense of catering!

And I'm dubious about the hygiene aspect.

Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
00100001 · 22/03/2017 07:05

But what about if everyone turns up with crisps or haribo?? How would this even work?

I have been to many many shared meals, and not one has ever resulted in just crisps and sweets.

if you're that worried as a host, you just ask some to bring something savoury,some to bring something sweet, some to bring something veggie etc.

scanbran · 22/03/2017 07:25

I think there is a massive difference between cooking a dish for an adult party (where you will have a meal) and a 3 year old's party. How hard can it be to host for a 3 year old? I think having 30 dishes dumped on you at the same time is much more stressful, you don't know who is bringing what (and to specify at that age is really just a step too far) and as the host you will have to set things out whilst trying to supervise the toddlers.

Oblomov17 · 22/03/2017 07:27

Your first thoughts are 'hygiene' and 'grabby'? Hmm

Mermaidinthesea · 22/03/2017 07:30

I suppose it's a fair exchange for a gift so at least you are not expwected to cater the party AND bring a gift as well which would be cheeky.
I think that is unsual but perfectly acceptable.
They probably don't want their child to be inundated with gifts they won't appreciate whereas food can be enjoyed by everyone.

scanbran · 22/03/2017 07:36

I suppose it's a fair exchange for a gift

Traditionally it is supposed to be an honour to have party guests, not a business exchange! Surely no one expects invitees to bring a present? Yes, it is usual, but would you think they were cheeky if they came without one?

PovertyJetset · 22/03/2017 07:38

My friend does this, she and her husband are small holders and they ask for salad, side dishes and they cook up they're home grown lamb and pork sausages. Kids have a blast romping round the farm and we all drink local ale or cider. It's a firm date in our summer calendar and everyone absolutely loves it!

It does sound like you have food or germ issues, watch that as you don't want to pass on your neurosis to your children.

Breadwidow · 22/03/2017 07:46

This the most unreasonable post in AIBU that I have ever seen!

Canshopwillshop · 22/03/2017 07:53

I would take a dish and a gift. It's a huge part of childhood birthdays to be excited about receiving (and giving) gifts. I hate it when adults who have had that joy themselves but have forgotten what it's like then turn round and say 'oh my kids don't appreciate gifts' or 'I hate getting lots of plastic tat'.

My kids have always loved getting presents - plastic tat included! It's the same with party bags - adults hate them but for some kids it's the best bit of a party.

Eatingcheeseontoast · 22/03/2017 08:05

" I never let DC eat cakes from fete stalls, let alone food cooked by strangers."

Way to go to miss out on all the good stuff. Don't be that person that can't work out which stall/cafe is ok and good to eat from!

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 22/03/2017 08:35

Food issues? Or common sense to avoid food from unknown sources? Toddlers are vulnerable to food poisoning. Safer for all food to be prepared and stored in one place, rather than 30 different families carting plates of sausage rolls/cream cakes/chicken sandwiches across the city.

I've seen a lot of kitchens in my line of work. Think cats on worktops, litter-trays in kitchen, dirty surfaces, filthy floors, food left out uncovered.

And it's not just the hygiene aspect. It's the principal. Providing food for guests is the cornerstone of hosting (across most cultures). Telling guests to bring own food to a party seems inhospitable. Different if it's a group of friends organising a get together or a family gathering.

Sharing food is important. But outsourcing the party tea to your guests isn't sharing, it's avoiding the hassle of buying/preparing/storing/washing up.

Fine to say 'no presents please' but asking for food contributions seems very odd. Or maybe it's just me Smile

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 08:42

'Food issues? Or common sense to avoid food from unknown sources?'

Food issues. You can get food poisoning even from restaurants. Hell, several people in Germany died a few years from e.coli from bean sprouts.

Why not just decline this invitation and cut off this 'friend' like an adult rather than slag her off on a huge internet forum and then when a majority of posters reply that YABU, continue to slag off your mate?

If you think it's 'grabby' and 'unhygenic' then don't go.

Get some therapy, too, before you pass on your food issues/orthorexia/etc to your child.

Floggingmolly · 22/03/2017 08:44

It's not just you, op.

brasty · 22/03/2017 08:48

Some people have no imagination. You may think the £10 or £20 to cater for a kids party is nothing. For others, that is too much. Do you really want them not to have a party for their kid because they are skint? Just take a goddamn dish

Peanut14 · 22/03/2017 08:48

Fine to say 'no presents please' but asking for food contributions seems very odd. Or maybe it's just me 
*
*
Yes it's just go. Don't go, don't send your child, let your child miss out because YABU.

ohforfoxsake · 22/03/2017 08:53

Depends if parents are staying and/or bringing siblings = good idea.

If it's a drop and run, probably a bad idea as they'll end up with packets and packets of party rings.

I love a 'bring a dish' type do.

IamFriedSpam · 22/03/2017 08:58

I think it sounds like a lovely idea. A three year old doesn't need a mountain of expensive plastic tat but will enjoy having the party. Guests can spend as much or as little as they like on the food and I don't imagine it'll be any less hygienic than food provided by the host (I've known people leave party food lying out for ages in a hot kitchen because they ran out of food in the fridge).

Goldfishjane · 22/03/2017 08:59

There's a lot of this around now I don't like it, I think it creates hassle for guests.

LaurieMarlow · 22/03/2017 09:04

Sounds really sensible to me. It's expensive to host a party, kids don't need a tonne of tat, bring a dish affairs are common in our culture.

OP, get some therapy for your food issues. It's really sad to be so freaked out about normal, homemade food, and it would be a great shame to pass these hang ups on to your kids.

Ragwort · 22/03/2017 09:16

I think it's a great idea, you do sound incredibly obsessed about food hygiene, do you really not allow your children to eat cakes from the school fete stall? Hmm

Breadwidow · 22/03/2017 09:17

Have you thought that perhaps the bring a dish thing is a strategy to prevent presents. I cannot probably say no presents now for my son- he's 5 & knows about and wants the tat but I wish I had done the no gifts thing before. The problem with saying no gifts is that many people will bring a gift cos turning up empty handed just isn't the done thing. Asking for a dish is a good way of helping people to not bring something.

horizontilting · 22/03/2017 09:26

Honestly, it's like Miss Marple gets wifi on here sometimes.

:D I want this to be the new disclaimer at the top of AIBU.

00100001 · 22/03/2017 09:55

OP what are you going to do when your child gets invited over other people's house for tea? or to a hall party? or to a shared lunch? or any such event?
Not let them go? Confused

It is pretty normal for people to bring food contributions to a BBQ? Why is a party any different?

You say ". Different if it's a group of friends organising a get together or a family gathering." how is this ANY different?? You're friends with these people presumably? You're having a get together...

ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 22/03/2017 09:56

I'd have loved parties where this was the plan when my DCs were young. Always a pain trying to sort presents and food is easier to do.

Original poster
fourteenlittleducks · 22/03/2017 12:19

You may think the £10 or £20 to cater for a kids party is nothing. For others, that is too much. Do you really want them not to have a party for their kid because they are skint?

So why invite 30 children? Just have a smaller party, or gather a few close friends/family? We had 6 children for DD's party and it was lovely. No expensive venue hire either. What's the appeal of a big party for a preschooler? Does a 3-year-old care? Or is it more about parents?

Therapy Hmm
Food poisoning can be serious in young children. The aim is to minimise risk not eliminate it. My toddler won't suffer if she doesn't have a cake at the fete. She would suffer greatly if she contracted norovirus or salmonella from food that's been incorrectly handled or stored.

If you'd seen some of the kitchens I have, you might change your mind about cake stalls.

All my friends have clean kitchens and are careful with food safety where children are concerned. DD only has play dates with people I know well.

I don't see how 'bring a dish' is any different from 'bring a packed lunch to share' really.

A gift is a nice token if you want to bring something for the birthday child. Being told to bring a dish of food is like saying guests must bring something, or there will be no party tea!

OP posts:
00100001 · 22/03/2017 12:21

"What's the appeal of a big party for a preschooler? Does a 3-year-old care? Or is it more about parents?"

Then don't go along to the party, seeing as you have taken offence against how they are running in on a few levels.

Confused
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