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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 17:13

I would organise a different hen do if it's important she's there.

NC543212345 · 21/03/2017 17:13

Has she got a history of being a sex offender? If not I can't see why you wouldn't invite her if you are close.

PlayOnWurtz · 21/03/2017 17:13

Regardless of their transition is this someone who you would want and would expect to be at the hen do? If not then don't invite them.

If yes and you don't want them there then say it's a small do.

scottishdiem · 21/03/2017 17:15

I think you need to ask those who are coming what their thoughts are as well. You can't force people to be comfortable about these things. You could also offer to go out with them separately with a few other friends/family where the plans are less of a problem?

Familyof3or4 · 21/03/2017 17:16

Invite her.
Why would the young girls not be comfortable with a male body, we swim in mixed pools?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:17
Biscuit
DickToPhone · 21/03/2017 17:17

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Happyandhungry · 21/03/2017 17:17

If you're close then invite her, does she identify as female and seem female looks wise etc? She may be on drugs and hormones that shrink her manhood anyway (the pre surgery process) and so isnt really a "man". If you're not close just dont invite her.

QueenArseClangers · 21/03/2017 17:17

Nowt to do with being a 'sex offender' NC Hmm

OP doesn't really think a straight man with a penis's presence would be conducive to a relaxing hen do involving getting semi naked in a hot tub.
I'd do as Imperial suggests or have another 'non undressed' do.

tabulahrasa · 21/03/2017 17:18

Assuming you aren't all planning to be naked in the hot tub... I don't see why it's that big a deal tbh.

I mean, she's your cousin and not some random stranger...

IamFriedSpam · 21/03/2017 17:18

I don't see why she would be a danger to young girls? Were you all planning to be naked at any point? Why would anyone even see her genitalia?

IamFriedSpam · 21/03/2017 17:19

he's a bloke in a dress, surely? if you want him there fine, if not, don't.

No she's someone with male genitalia who identifies as a woman.

annandale · 21/03/2017 17:20

Ok personally I would invite your cousin but would not do a hot tub or spa, go for a different activity [removes splinters from arse]

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:20

One of the girls coming has been abused in the past and to be honest i wouldnt feel comfortable getting up in my pjs and in swimwear in a hot tub that close to a man. As awful as it sounds its not particularly important to me that cousin is there but i think it will cause tensions within the family if I'm seen to exclude her, and she will see it like i have excluded her because she's transgender! which in a way i have i suppose- but i have no issue at all with her becoming transgender, and in fact i was one of the first people she told and supported her and told others in the family that she can't help it, its the way she feels we should support her as its difficult etc. its more because physically she is still a man, and she is in a relationship with a women and i wouldnt want any man, i have gay friends who i am not inviting either as even though they are attracted to men they are still a man! just feel torn and don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
HalfCarrot · 21/03/2017 17:20

I wouldn't want to get in a hot tub with a penis. If the penis had been removed then fine I guess.

DickToPhone · 21/03/2017 17:21

"No she's someone with male genitalia who identifies as a woman."

I identify as a hippopotamus, doesn't mean I am one.

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:22

its nothing to do with being a sex offender??!! i don't think anything at all of the sort, just wasnt sure about having a straight 40 something year old with men parts in a hot tub with teenage girls?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:23

half carrot: thats exactly my feelings! if she didnt have a penis anymore wouldnt be a problem? but then i don't know if that sounds ridiculous?

OP posts:
Joffmognum · 21/03/2017 17:23

Would you invite a cisgender lesbian? Of course you would. Invite her, but have a private word with everyone else going telling them, just in case it would catch them offguard.

If there's a good chance she'll get a semi in the hot tub, she won't get in, but she would be able to judge whether this will happen better than you. Talk with her too, if you're close enough that it won't be awkward.

Thefitfatty · 21/03/2017 17:23

Personally I wouldn't be going to a big naked hot tub hen do regardless of the genitalia of the guests...Confused

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2017 17:24

Why would anyone even see her genitalia?

It's obvious that someone has a penis if you're in a swimming costume. Confused

Op I wouldn't spring this on the girl who has been abused. Whatever your view of whether the cousin is a woman or not, they have a penis and it's totally wrong to put the girl in that position.

KindDogsTail · 21/03/2017 17:24

she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically.

I am very confused by this, but as she is your cousin and you care for her, I would say, organise something completely different with no hot tub.

Ecclesiastes · 21/03/2017 17:24

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CustardShoes · 21/03/2017 17:25

Is she actually officially legally gender reassigned? Because someone in a relationship with a woman, but not had surgery who calls themselves transgender. Well, I just think that sounds like a man who likes wearing dresses.

I'm afraid I probably wouldn't invite her to the sort of thing you've described. Not because she's a man who likes wearing dresses, but because all that overperformed femininity, combined with male genitalia, just isn't something I want to be in a hot tub with, having to pretend that she's a straightforward woman. And my party, my rules etc etc etc

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:26

i would never ever ever put my friend in that position, she's amazing and i would be so upset if she didnt come because of my cousin, but can't say anything to my cousin as she doesnt know about the abuse it is certainly not my place to say anything.

OP posts: