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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:

heateallthebuns · 21/03/2017 17:42

Shared bathrooms don't really matter as it's only one at a time in them. No different to any bathroom in any house.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2017 17:42

Oh no, that's not what I meant at all. I meant she can decide whether or not she is comfortable with the situation and either get in the hot tub, or not.

How is that a kind thing to do to an abuse victim?

Beachedwh4le · 21/03/2017 17:42

You don't want her there, so don't invite her, and stop pretending to be supportive. It's fine not to be fine with who she is now, but you clearly have issues about it, she'll be happier not being there, than being surrounded by a bunch of people searching for her predatory penis at any rate

Original poster

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:43

She won't be having surgery before then, i have got time to sort it out, plenty of time! Just people are saying i will be there etc and i want to know in my head what my response will be to my cousin, as i will be seeing her soon and my wedding will be discussed and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and being unnecessarily offensive.

OP posts:

BorpBorpBorp · 21/03/2017 17:43

Don't you think she will notice?
Maybe? I don't know. The best person to make that judgement is the cousin. If the cousin thinks she will be clocked as trans, and cares, she will probably decide to skip the event. It remains a matter of basic human decency, though, that you do not reveal a trans person's trans status without their explicit consent.

Honestly, OP, just don't invite her. You're expecting it to be uncomfortable for other guests, which means it will probably be uncomfortable for you, and it will probably be uncomfortable for her too.

DearMrDilkington · 21/03/2017 17:44

Yabu. She's a woman now

No. Woman don't have a cock and balls.

UpWithPup · 21/03/2017 17:44

Do you have other older female cousins who will be invited? If so, it is more likely to be blamed on her transition. If not, why not have a secondary family do / night in a puppy.

Ecclesiastes · 21/03/2017 17:44

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zippey · 21/03/2017 17:44

I would not invite her if she still has a penis. Is she planning to get it cut off/removed? If so maybe, but if people will be uncomfortable by a male their, best to not invite and try to make it a non issue.

Don't worry about what others think. It's your hen do.

UpWithPup · 21/03/2017 17:44

*pub not puppy!

MerryMarigold · 21/03/2017 17:44

The woman your cousin is with...is she a lesbian? Do they have penetrative sex?

I suppose you don't know...but...hmmm

PlayOnWurtz · 21/03/2017 17:44

Would you have invited them before they started wearing dresses and conforming to gender stereotypes?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:45

Ecclesiastes:

Why should someone else miss our? As horrible as it is, the cousin didn't abuse her! If something like that has happened to you, there will be hundreds of occasions where you have to decide whether or not you are comfortable - you can't go blaming innocent people (not that she is - my point is that it would be unfair).

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:46

Anyway, I have massive doubts about this thread anyway. Someone has just said 'cock and balls' so I think it's a dog whistle to the transphobia.

Original poster

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:47

everybody who will be coming knows she is a transgender. beached: i have no issues regarding my cousin being a transgender AT ALL. I have been nothing but supportive, but when it comes to being in an intimate space with people, sharing hot tub, bedrooms etc it is something to consider and i think rightly so! to be honest i wouldnt feel comfortable going away with a lot of women if someone will male genitals was there. maybe I'm being unfair?

OP posts:

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 21/03/2017 17:47

I wonder why the OP has showed no interest in a solution that would erase this issue - changing the god awful hot tub hen night to something that doesn't require removing any clothes.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/03/2017 17:48

I think it's unfair to arrange a hen do which is traditionally all female and the expect all your other invitees to be happy that a male bodied person is sharing the space. Especially if a hot tub is involved.

It sends a very clear message that you'll upset potentially all your female guests for this one person. At least let the women know if you don't want to speak to your cousin.

FatOldBag · 21/03/2017 17:48

I wouldn't invite a much older cousin who I wasn't close to to a hen do anyway, it's for the bride's closest friends surely? Nevertheless, if you want to invite her, then you have to do an activity which everybody will be comfortable doing. Why deliberately create a situation you know will be uncomfortable for at least 2 of your guests? This shouldn't be a dilemma at all, you just need to consider people's feelings before arranging the activities and make sure everything you do is fun for everyone attending.

Beachedwh4le · 21/03/2017 17:48

Yes, you're unreasonable and a total clown to boot, as are most of the other goaddy fuckers on this thread.

Trans hate seems to be a hobby on MN

Ecclesiastes · 21/03/2017 17:48

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Original poster

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:49

its not just about the hot tub! we are going away for the night, sharing bedrooms etc otherwise it would be easy

OP posts:

sonyaya · 21/03/2017 17:49

OP this is tough - I can understand the concern for the girl who has been abused, equally I think it is a shame to exclude your cousin as it suggests you don't accept her as a woman (which I know isn't your intention).

I've seen your explanation for why a hot tub is suitable for all ages. But could you not do afternoon tea or something instead to avoid this issue?

Staying in the apartment - can she have her own room? She would probably be more comfortable that way too.

Gallavich · 21/03/2017 17:49

THis is a heterosexual male adult human so no, of course they shouldn't be invited to a women only event. Identifying as a woman doesn't wave a magic wand and turn a fully intact adult male into a female.

I know plenty of people will bend over backwards to insist that your cousin is no different to any of the other women on the trip but it's patently obvious that's not true. Everybody knows it.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:49

PurpleDaisies:

It isnt especially kind, but it is the only fair decision, because it gives her a choice without penalising someone who hasn't done anything wrong at all. The cousin didn't abuse her. If the girl isn't comfortable being around someone with a penis she doesn't have to get in the hot tub. As awful as it is that she was abused, if she went to the local swimming baths she wouldn't be able to demand all the men got out so she could swim. She would have to decide whether it was something she felt able to handle. Same here.

Anyway, since this is a made up situation feel free to ignore me.

sonyaya · 21/03/2017 17:50

If you want her there, plan round it.

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