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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:
Beachedwh4le · 21/03/2017 17:34

How would that conversation go, so yea, friend A has been abused so she might not be comfortable with you being there dearest cousin...

You might as well just tell your cousin you think they are a sex predator. Fuck me.

luckylucky24 · 21/03/2017 17:36

You also can't reveal your cousin's trans status to your friends
Don't you think she will notice?

OP - I wouldn't invite her. It will be obvious she has a penis and will be an issue whether it should be or not. If you want to invite her skip the hot tub.

Ecclesiastes · 21/03/2017 17:36

It doesn't need to come as a surprise. Just tell her. She can then make her own decision.

That is horribly unfair on the girl who has been abused. Why the hell should she miss out? Because you can bet your bottom dollar that if you asked her she would drop out. Because that's what women do, isn't it? Accommodate other people's selfish whims.

LilacSpatula · 21/03/2017 17:36

My male friends came to my hen do and I wouldn't give a toss about wearing PJ's of swimming in front of them.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 17:36

Is it too much to ask that the cousin may appreciate that not everyone would be happy with a biological male at what sounds like quite an intimate women only gathering, and they bow out?

StatisticallyChallenged · 21/03/2017 17:36

If it's a big house share situation then would people also be sharing bedrooms (pretty normal in those circumstances), in which case that's another element to consider.

Personally I would say no, I wouldn't invite your cousin. I think it would, by the sounds of it, make a number of the other guests feel very uncomfortable and would likely change the entire dynamic of the night.

Hellothereitsme · 21/03/2017 17:37

What is a cisgender lesbian?

Is it a lesbian?

Do we have to call each other names?

If I was gong on a hen weekend I would not want to share the lodge with a man who identifies as a woman. If men are being invited then o would invite my H too.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 21/03/2017 17:37

Either scrap the hot tub idea or don't invite her.

Is the hot tub really essential anyway?

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:37

i have no hatred of trans women!! I am nothing more than supportive and have been throughout. I have lots of family members coming, old and young which is why we have opted for something such as a hot tub as then can include my cousins who are younger then 18 (16 and 17) and older people who don't really want to go out drinking and partying all night. all my other female cousins are going. everyone else is female, and i know she will be hurt if i exclude her. i don't know why people are writing about the daily mail?? really?? i don't want to be a bridezilla i can have who i want etc

OP posts:
dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 21/03/2017 17:38

Yabu. She's a woman now

QueenArseClangers · 21/03/2017 17:38

If she's in a relationship with a woman, she's probably not straight.
ConfusedConfusedHmm

Totally fucking logic fail there.

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:38

its not just the hot tub, we are all staying together in one big apartment type thing and sharing bedrooms, bathrooms etc.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 17:38

'Yabu. She's a women now.'

No.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 17:39

Would your cousin expect to be invited, knowing you are all sharing personal space?

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:39

its none of my business if she is straight or whatever, thats private and down to her, all i can say is she is in a relationship with a women. she is identifying as a women and trying to appear and dress as women and i think later down the line will get surgery, but again thats very personal and something which ultimately is down to her!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/03/2017 17:39

I wouldn't go to a hot tub hen night no matter who was going.

Nor me tbh.

Original poster
user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:40

my cousin would expect to be invited yes

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 21/03/2017 17:40

Yabu. She's a woman now

Since when do women have penises? Hmm

Hellothereitsme · 21/03/2017 17:40

Surely a man with a penis dating a woman with a vulva is straight? I cannot see how he can be called a lesbian.

heateallthebuns · 21/03/2017 17:40

Are all the rooms shared? Could your cousin be allocated a single room?

QueenArseClangers · 21/03/2017 17:40

No, she's not ding

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2017 17:41

Since your wedding is eighteen months away, doesn't that give you plenty of time to sort this out? Will your cousin be having surgery before then?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:41

PurpleDaisies:

Oh no, that's not what I meant at all. I meant she can decide whether or not she is comfortable with the situation and either get in the hot tub, or not.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 17:41

Your cousin sounds pretty selfish to me then.

IJustLostTheGame · 21/03/2017 17:41

I wouldn't give a shite about the hot tub, but I would give a shite about sharing a room.
I don't care if I get judged on this.