wedding, hen do, transgender

[user1488971792]

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

Can you have separate friends and family hen dos? You said you'd be quite happy to have your cousin to a different kind of event but it's the intimacy that's making you pause.

So friends in the hot tub - carefully excluding other relations who are also friends, if necessary; and separately aunties/sisters/ cousins/mum/grandma to Panama Hattys for dig in and booze up.

I don't really get this, to be honest.

I usually find myself very much on the 'anti trans' side of these threads (ie I don't think it's possible to change sex, I don't think it's necessary to change gender as it's not concretely 'real' anyway and I don't think it is ok for male-to-trans individuals to get automatic access to female spaces and sports etc).

But I really wouldn't have a problem with this situation at all. A hot tub is just a small, bubbling swimming pool. No reason for it be single sex. I have been in a large, deep paddling pool (never had a hot tub opportunity sadly) with a mixture of male and female friends and relatives on many occasions. My children have been in there with my sister's partner and with my male friends. I've never given it a second though.

Why does a swimming situation need to be single sex?

Other than tradition, why does a hen do need to be single sex either? I went on a stag do last year because both 'halves' of the couple were men and our friendship group is mixed so they just divided us in half and had a 'quiet, civilised' stag and a 'wild party' stag.

Trans hate seems to be a hobby on MN

Nah - self hate is much more prevalent.

Ecclesiastes:

Oh dear. I hope one day you manage to come to terms with whatever has made you so angry.

Trans hate seems to be a hobby on MN

So true.

its not just about the hot tub! we are going away for the night, sharing bedrooms etc otherwise it would be easy

And it's impossible to put your cousin in a room of her own, is it?

Hang on why should the OP have to change her hen do to accomadate 1 person? How is that fair?

OP just dont invite your cousin.

Sonya that sums it up completely. i can assure you this is not a made up thread, i haven't got the time or energy to sit here and think this sort of thing up. I have nothing against transgender- in fact i think my cousin is incredibly brave.

I'd like to say I'm surprised that some posters expect the abused woman's feelings to be shoved aside so your male cousin can play pretend in a hot tub.

Penis = man.

Hen do is for women.

Man doesn't go.

Simple really.

They will be sharing hotel rooms, it's not just the hot tub

its just this particular situation makes me uncomfortable? and i think would make other women uncomfortable?

Are there any single rooms? Can't you put your cousin in one of those. I don't think sharing a bathroom one at a time or a hot tub in swimming costumes matters tbh.

I'd invite her for sure

If you heart your cousin so much why not as countless people have said, chose an activity everyone will be oh so comfortable taking part in?

Spot of afternoon tea?

Of course it would make lots of women uncomfortable. Because adult males with working penises aren't women.

If you have a penis you are a man. Doesn't matter how you identify.. I can identify as a millionaire but I'm not one!

I don't get why your cousin will expect to go if they know it involves sharing intimate space. Surely they get why still being male bodied might make that uncomfortable for some people?

It wouldn't make me uncomfortable personally. In public hot tubs/jacuzzis etc they are mixed sex.

However I don't get to make that call for other women.

You have a choice: plan your hen do round including her, don't invite her, or invite her and your friends will have to deal.

I say option One.

Genuine question... If a man has a major accident that means he no longer has a penis, does this make him not a man? It's just according to most people's logic: penis = man.

If you are uncomfortable having your cousin at your hen do, don't invite her. Own your feelings, don't project them on to your friends or "other women" in general to make yourself feel more justified.

It's your hen do, and you can invite or not invite whoever you want, for whatever reasons.

It wouldn't bother me op.

No one is forced to go in the hot tub together if they are uncomfortable. Your cousin can have a room to herself to solve the other aspect.

I wonder if people would object to a woman identifying as male going on a stag do

I would invite her.

People born with penises are boys or men regardless of whether they keep their penis, or lose their penis due to intentional surgery or accidental injury.