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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

257 replies

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 02:32

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 21/03/2017 12:58

Ifnot I'm not shocked that your 11yo can't ride a bike. Many people can't ride bikes. You have misconstrued my point. My shock was in relation to the statement that the child wasn't fit enough to "manage" to rude home, given that she clearly rode there. However the OP has since clarified that the concern was the onset of darkness rather than tiredness so the point is moot.

OP given the Facebook bullying I would be picking up the phone to my good friend M's Mum and politely giving her my opinion on her behaviour. If she refused to take the posts down I would be publically challenging her on fb.

I really can't see why M's bad behaviour consistutes an emergency for K's Mum. An 11yo sitting in a McDonald's at 5pm is not in danger for goodness sake.

There are a million good reasons I can think of for K's Mum to have something more important to do than extract her daughter's frenemy from a minor pickle,

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 12:58

Right, update. K's Mum did the school run this morning and spoke to some other Mums including R's who had seen the FB posts. It turns out this is not the first time M has done a bunk, and not the first time either her mother or another parent has had to go and get her. All of these occasions have been since the birth of her youngest sibling (who is a half sibling as opposed to a full one she already has). M has not been adjusting well to this and has been 'testing' her Mum by doing things like this. She's been grounded and had her Oyster card taken away already. However her Mum is struggling with a baby who has slept very little in the past 6 months, a middle child and an 11 year old being stuck in the house who is acting up and doesn't want to be there. She doesn't have much support as her DP works away. All of this also coincided with the start of the bullying incidents with K as well.

I haven't known about any of this as I'm not immediately local and also have twins (real ones, not troll ones) of my own about the same age as her baby so I guess she thinks perhaps I would not be a great one to talk to about issues she's having with one baby at the mo.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that the school mothers are going to organise various supervised visits to their houses and outings. This will hopefully give the DM a bit of a break but M zero chance to do a flit. K is going to speak to the school about the bullying issue in context of both the girls getting support. And lucky M's mother is going to get a visit from my DM who lives around the corner and is going to interfere see if she can help her get some sleep and do a few jobs for her.

I still think everybody thinks K's Mum was reasonable given that M's Mum didn't put it in great terms blaming it on her daughter, but it does seem like this is more a case of somebody being at the end of their tether rather than being deliberately unpleasant. And anyway, should any sort of justice be required, my DM is taking around some of her famous lentil casserole for them and a few portions for the freezer which M is going to have to eat. And put it this way, it's not famous for a good reason.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 21/03/2017 12:59

Both

If I was Ks mother no way would I leave a kid stuck like that, I'ld go and get her, I look out for DDs friends and hope their parents would do the same

However, I would not accept that K did anything wrong in coming home and telling. I would shut that RIGHT down, I would still go get M but I would halt ANY talk of it being Ks fault!

crunchermuncher · 21/03/2017 13:02

But why is it such a terrible thing that this nearly secondary school age kid waits in a busy McDonalds at tea time for a while? Its not a case of helping someone 'in need'. Shes not standing on a street corner at 10pm. I dont think we do kids any favours by infantilising them and absolving them of any responsibility. Its not like she's 7.

ProseccoBitch · 21/03/2017 13:03

Being at the end of your tether does not excuse M's Mum for slagging off K's Mum on Facebook. This is what 11 year olds do so I'm not hugely surprised at M's bad behaviour if that's the example her Mum is setting her.

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 13:05

Re the McDonalds, it is quite a rowdy one that gets lots of teens and understand that it has a security guard at peak times because of incidents with them. But given the updates I suppose her Mum was also worried that she wouldn't stay put.

OP posts:
crunchermuncher · 21/03/2017 13:06

That its a rowdy dodgy one does add a bit of perspective then.

Berthatydfil · 21/03/2017 13:07

I can't believe anyone thinking Ks mum had any kind of responsibility to go and fetch M.
She had plans and wasn't convenient and it's nobody's place to judge her least of all Ms mum.
M sounds a bit of a madam. If it was a dangerous ride with dodgy parts why didn't she turn round and come home?

FrancisCrawford · 21/03/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MipMipMip · 21/03/2017 13:08

To me M's mum is in the wrong. Not going to change that. But if k's mum did say yes, here are the possible scenarios:

  1. k's mum drives M's mum to McDonalds. Car has in mums x 2, k, r and baby. No room for m let alone bike. Does k's Mum even have the car seats?!

  2. same, minus r. Still not enough room in car. Still car seat problem.

  3. k's mum and K go to collect m. Need two car seats. K is then stuck with girl who bullies her and unlikely to fit bike in. 2 car seats needed.

R) k's mum only (is she happy leaving daughter alone in the house? I definitely wouldn't want m's mum supervising her since she is blaming k). Need one car seat, may be able to fit bike in, although unlikely as the bike would need all of back seat where m would be sitting. K's mum has to spend time with girl who is bullying daughter, if she says anything it will get back to m's mum who will have a go. (How many threads do you see on here where the advice is do not speak to the bully - let school handle it?) M likely to be smug as she knows she got away with the ride. M's mum knows she can bully k's mum.

So which of these options should k's mum have gone with?!

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 21/03/2017 13:08

Erm....taking away her Oyster card? Couldn't she have used that very same Oyster card to get home?
It's a shame that the mum is struggling.

ScarlettFreestone · 21/03/2017 13:08

I agree with Prosecco

I'm sorry that M's Mum is sleep deprived. I too have twins and remember exactly what that was like.

It in no way excuses slagging off another adult on Facebook. That's not behaviour driven by sleep deprivation that just not being a very nice person.

The other Mums and your Mum are being kind. If I was K's Mum
I'd still be pretty angry and be telling my DD to steer well clear.

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 13:13

The FB post has gone. It was not nice, no. But K is genuinely understanding and sympathetic about the situation. She is a genuinely lovely person which is why I was a bit upset about seeing this happen in the first place. Smile

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 21/03/2017 13:14

If I was K's Mum, I would've helped out

K's mum is BU and is a shit friend. A real friend would drop everything to help a friend in need. A selfish friend would do the opposite, this being K. And no, she shouldn't have to beg or ask as a "big favour", she could just do it to be nice. WTF has happened to humanity?!

Some of these posts are mad!
I certainly wouldn't be rushing out to pick anyones kid up after the mum has just told me it's my child's fault. I would be reminding them my child did exactly what they were supposed to do and it was their's that can't follow rules! How bloody rude.
Also ( at the point I've read up to ) we don't know what K's mum was doing.

On top of this we don't know if M has previous form for doing things like this either.

When my boys were younger there was one mum who ducked all pick ups, was late for everything and blamed everyone else for everything. There was another mother who took responsibility for things, apologized when things went wrong and was grateful for help and helped out when she could. Guess which one I would drop things for and help with a moments notice if I could.

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 13:16

Oh, and I have the twins, not M's Mum. K's Mum is not going to be actively getting involved with helping Ms Mum out and isn't going to be encouraging her daughter to be friendly with her or spend time together. But she does understand the situation and is sympathetic.

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 21/03/2017 13:23

I got that it was your twins not M's Bill Wink

I suspect that K's Mum is being outwardly "sympathetic and understanding" because she is a nice and polite woman. I bet she's quietly seething though.

diddl · 21/03/2017 13:29

"If I was Ks mother no way would I leave a kid stuck like that,"

Jeez-it was possible for her own mother to get to her!

Well, depending on how M behaves, the rallying around to help might not last long!

It's very sad that she's not adjusting to the twins-sounds as if some time alone with her mum would benefit her better.

RNBrie · 21/03/2017 13:29

it's not famous for a good reason Grin

Great update op and good result for M's mum. I hope she gets a bit of respite as it sounds like she's having a tough time.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/03/2017 13:33

I dont think we do kids any favours by infantilising them and absolving them of any responsibility. Its not like she's 7.

I agree cruncher. My DD is 11 but where I live is a shithole dive and I wouldn't let her out on her own around here.
Where her actual school is (OOC) I'd happily let her play around. I had no choice but to be streetwise when I was growing up but its a different world now. Even with all that I still think M needed to realise that if it wasn't for her going further than she was instructed in the first place, she wouldn't then be in the predicament she found herself in. I think the darkness thing is a bit of a copout too. Didnt all this happen around 5pm. It's been staying light until at least 6/6:30pm the last few days.

OP you have me worried now. My Lentil Hotpot is famous and I thought for all the right reasons. I'm actually doing it for tea tonight.

Grin
ProseccoBitch · 21/03/2017 13:35

diddl it's the OP who has twins, not M's Mum.

MintyChops · 21/03/2017 13:36

Was M officially at K's house for a visit, hence M's mum thinking K's mum was responsible for her, I.e. It happened on her watch so she should collect her?

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 13:40

diddl, that is a really good suggestion about M needing time alone with her Mum. I didn't think of that, I will suggest that to her, maybe my DM can help with the two little ones so she can. That's constructive, thanks.

And the twins are mine! I honestly am neither of these mothers! I have 3 boys and the eldest is only 4. I still have all this sort of drama to look forwards to.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/03/2017 13:47

new baby-not twins!

diddl · 21/03/2017 13:49

Had refreshed & thought I was going to post straight after myself iyswim.

Stupid thing is that I deliberately reread the update to make sure that I had got it correct.

And then poof!-straight out of my mind as I was posting!Blush

diddl · 21/03/2017 13:50

Hadn't refreshed.

I should just quit now! even though I'm not aheadGrin