Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

[BillSykesDog]

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

M's mother should have told her DD to start walking, she should have done the same and they would have met in the middle.

What is the point in a child having a phone with no credit on it? She's out on her bike but can't call her mother in an emergency. Madness.

I don't understand why people are saying K's mum is a shit friend. She had plans. None of us know what they are. I couldn't get a bike in my car. I can imagine that had she have gone to pick M up and they had left her bike at McD's and it had got nicked that M's mum would have been demanding that K's mum paid out for a replacement.

I don't think an 11 year old sitting in McDonalds is in much danger.

Something I have just considered is what was supposed to happen had M not gone off?
How did M get to K's house?
How was she supposed to get home?
I think if I'd invited M round, collected her and was supposed to be taking her home and M went off I'd feel more responsible for getting her than if she had just turned up IYSWIM.

Obv M is wrong. Her dd disobeys the rules - m should go and get her dd back. Either walking and bus ride with 6mth baby - assuming getting on for evening then so would be dark

I'm assuming she went on the road and then got scared as getting dark

She should be made to walk home pushing bike

Or would call a cab company and get her home that way and have serious talks

Why should k drop what she is doing if busy

And how come no one asked r mum to go and pick up?

"How did M get to K's house?
How was she supposed to get home? "

All three were cycling together in a particular area & presumably would all take themselves home at some point.

Did R just bike home from Ks house & that's why they weren't involved?

I think the biggest issue here isn't the about giving/not giving a lift, but the M's Mum's attitude to the rule breaking by M and her belief that K and R did something wrong.

Maybe K's mum could have given a lift, depends what else she was busy with.

However it's completely ridiculous to feel that M was unsafe sitting McDs for half an hour but yet still think that K/R should have accompanied M cycling on busy roads which they weren't experienced enough to handle.

Did M's mother's Facebook post explicitly say that her daughter broke the rules and got herself into strife, or did MotherM conveniently gloss over that?

I'd screenshot the FB posts and keep them for now. I'd probably privately contact MotherK to give her a heads up, and let her know I have screenshots if she wants/needs them.

I'm also fairly shocked at an 11yo who can't cycle a 30 min round trip.
My 9yos regularly cycle for 15 miles.

Shocked? Really? My 11 year old can just about ride a bike (in a rather unstable fashion). Shall I get the smelling salts?

Whether M could get back or not very much depends what the roads were like, and some London areas can be hellish and I wouldn't cycle them as an adult.
M's mum is really U for blaming K, who did nothing wrong. K's mum is a bit of an arse for not rescuing M.
Arf at giving someone a lift being akin to donating a kidney Bertrand!

Out of interest how did M get back in the end. Have I missed that bit?

Ms mum is BU.

However if I was Ks mum I would probably have gone to get her unless I had an important appt.

Whether M could get back or not very much depends what the roads were like, and some London areas can be hellish and I wouldn't cycle them as an adult

Exactly - very many adults won't cycle in London, it takes a fair bit of skill and confidence on busy roads and it's still dangerous (I say this as a regular cyclist in London). M was potentially very reckless setting off on a busy road if they're not confident cyclists - everything else is a minor issue compared to this.

Very simple. M should take responsibility for her own child. I fail to see why a 20 minute trip to fetch her is so arduous. Failing that, a cab.

K's mum may have had any number of reasons for refusing help. Some reasonable, some not. I wouldn't judge without the full story from her.

Ms mum wbu
it had nothing to do with Ks mum

I am the kind who would drop round to babysit for a neighbour at 5 minutes' notice in an emergency because I like to help. I have done this many, many times.

But I also think (as a non-driver) that if you are going to live without a car in a car-centred society, then you need to have thought through how to deal with transport emergencies rather than just assume that other people will be picking up the tab. Things like knowing the number to a good taxi company that will send out a big car if you ask for it. Things like saving the money other people would be spending on petrol and car maintenance for taxi and bus fares. Otherwise you are just expecting other people to pay for you.

M's mother is BU and a drama queen. As if an 11 year old is going to be in danger, waiting half an hour for her Mum to pick her up >

Anyway, what if K's mum can't fit the bike in the car?

I think M's mum needs to be made aware that M is bullying K.

And while I would help out someone if I could (although I'd be less included to rescue a PITA who was bullying my child whose own mother could get there in 20 minutes) there are plenty of appointments and things on in my own life that cannot be delayed. K's mum may have had something on that could not be rearranged - even if she had wanted to.

M's Mum.

She should get a taxi to pick the child up and punish her for not doing as she's told.

Not the other parents fault.

God if I was M's mum I'd be extremely angry with M..so obviously M's mum is BU. Take responsibility of your own child and don't try to lay the blame on other people!

As for the FB posts. I'd stay well out of it.

Im not understanding why some say Rs mum is to blame?

IMHO:-
M's mum was being unreasonable and trying to blame someone else for her epic parenting fail (sending kid out without credit on phone/no contingency plan for collecting her should there be a problem. etc..) surely when you have kids you are always "on call" to some extent -she has to be responsible at ALL times!

Did M's mum have back up? does she rely on other parents all the time? Could she not ask her partner (if she has one)/ family member etc?

BUT Without further info on why it was difficult for K's mum to pick up a child who was possibly frightened and regretting her actions (lets be generous here) it does seem she was unreasonable too. I'd have done what a pp said, pick up but say I was annoyed with the situation...However, If the real reason K's mum didn't want to do it was because she thought her daughter was being bullied then she really wasn't being unreasonable and I'd have done the same. Her mistake was telling the truth to a bully (you just can't reason with people like that).
K's mum should have been too ill/unable to drive/anything that made it IMPOSSIBLE to pick M up (assuming she knew that M's mum was just trying it on and someone else would be able to get her). I would have suggested asking R's mum...

What happened to R and her mum? It's very strange there is no info on them-Was R's mum not asked?

It sound like R is one of those weak 'bystanders' who is influenced by whoever appears strongest or winning at the time. One of those who keeps her head down and actually facilitates the bullying behaviour. More to blame than M in some respects.

I would not speak to M's mum about this. I'd make a mental note to distance myself-this woman treats anyone who doesn't do her bidding in this way. One day it will be you. If you speak to her about it, the focus will shift on to you.

I would screen shot the facebook posts as MiaowTheCat suggested and possibly let the school know that this is happening and that there is a problem between the girls. That will help K out. You might also discreetly say to the other facebook mums that you think possibly they were BOTH wrong (given the info most people will know) but that you really don't agree with the facebook shaming.

M's Mum her DD did something she knew she shouldn't and tried to talk 2 of her friends into doing the same!

You say that m mum is a good friend to you but not a nice person to others? Then she isn't a good person full stop. Its only a matter of time before its you she's bitchin about online.
Leopards don't change their spots depending on who they talk to.

M has learnt from her mother that other people are available to support you in your mad and selfish schemes whether or not it is reasonable to expect them to be. This is why she tried to get her friends to break the rules with her: she wanted to go to McD, she knew it would be better to do this with friends, she didn't care about the rules and the repercussions of the rules because her mother has shown her again and again how to wriggle out of responsibility and claim help from others for things that have gone wrong.

If I were M and I had done that mad thing I would not have expected my friends to follow; would not have expected my mum, let alone anyone else's to bail me out; and would be deeply ashamed, not phoning people asking for help, but walking back and full of apologies.

M's mum should be getting a taxi to McD's, if she is genuinely concerned about her, and then they can walk back - baby in the pram, 11 year old wheeling bike - safely. This may well take an hour if it's, say, 3 miles, but it will be safe, an hour's walk didn't hurt anyone, and M needs to feel physically that she has gone outside her safe range and it is up to her to physically get herself back in it without putting herself in more danger. She needs to fix what she has done.

What pootle said - screenshot fb and let the school know (discreetly and asking that they keep you out of it). I assume M, K, and R are at the same school and unlike the mothers are forced to inhabit the same space every day. This could easily spill over into (more) bullying of K particularly if Ms mum badmouths Ks mum/K to her daughter, which i hope she won't do, but given what she's doing on facebook we can't assume she won't.

I'd be livid with dd if she did that. But not blame her friends or their parents. My responsibility, nobody else's to go and get her.

So M is BU to me. I think she's a fool for putting it on FB. Getting loads of sympathy doesn't mean people agree with you. All she's done is advertise to a much wider audience that her dd is one who can't stick to plan, tries to lead her friends astray and can't be trusted to stay with them.

With my 11 year old, I'm allowing her out with people I feel are trustworthy - not just anybody. Because they are vulnerable here - they have to stick together.