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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

257 replies

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 02:32

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 21/03/2017 09:02

OP. Please Don't post on the Facebook post.
Talk to M's Mum privately. It will be better received than a public humiliation.

diddl · 21/03/2017 09:03

Why didn't M's mum also ask R's parents for help?

Or any other friends?

Why was it just one mum she asked?

stephenisjustcoming · 21/03/2017 09:04

I've also noticed nothing has been said about either of R's parents...

I would guess, like R herself, they're pretty good at keeping their heads down and following the rules, while the drama happens elsewhere?

EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/03/2017 09:06

We have no idea what K's mums plans were.

Yes - it would have been nice if she could have collected M - but it wasn't her responsibility to do so.

The issue is M's mum seems happy to shift the focus of blame here away from her daughter to her friends mother.

That's not fair or appropriate.

derxa · 21/03/2017 09:06

M c/should walk her bike back. FFS. And get scolded upon arrival, etc.
This

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2017 09:07

As I was reading I was thinking that M's mother probably has form for it being every other childs fault rather than hers.

I can see the scenario if K had gone with her, then it would have been K's fault for "encouraging" the rule breaking, so K is damned if she did and damned if she didnt. I wouldnt have gone to fetch her either if I wa mummy K. About time Mummy M faced the fact that her DD isnt the perfect angel by having to deal with the consequences instead of blaming absolutely everyone instead of themselves for their own behaviour.

user1488581876 · 21/03/2017 09:09

Why didn't M's mum call a taxi and collect her child. Why was K's mum expected to drop everything to sort out M's mess? The bike could be locked and collected later.

M's mum is toxic and a bully. By all accounts, her daughter sound the same.

GreenPeppers · 21/03/2017 09:10

What cory said.

And I'm not sure I would drop everything for a child that has been obviously disobeying, has tried to convinced my own child to do so (and therefore has tried to put herself in danger) and 'tend to be a bully' towards my child.
Plus the way that M mother went on about it, trying to make it K's fault (how on earth can it be the fault of the child that stuck to the rules?) and generally pilling on the guilt would have made me want to do anything but help. A genuine ask for help, a really big THANKS for K mum to have let me know where M is etc... would have been much more efficient.
There was no respect from M mum at all there. Not for the dcs that came back home and let adults know of the issue. And Not for K mum either.

GreenPeppers · 21/03/2017 09:12

I suspect too that the pattern emerging between the 3 children is thenone play between the 3 mums.
With M mother being 'a bit of a bully' towards K mum.

M basically reproduces what she sees adults doing.

BoobleMcB · 21/03/2017 09:13

I blame R's mother

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/03/2017 09:14

She wasn't in danger though was she? She was sat in Mcdonalds not stuck on the Ghaza strips.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/03/2017 09:15

M should have walked her bike home. The time taken would have been perfect for reflecting whether the disobedience was worth it. And would have walked off some of the Big Mac and fries en route.

diddl · 21/03/2017 09:16

"and is being told she INBU and getting lots of sympathy and told how awful it is she had to go get her. "

So why didn't she ask any of these supportive friends for help??!!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 21/03/2017 09:16

Loving the 'K isn't a good friend'. Er they aren't friends and seemingly don't even like each other.

M is being unreasonable, the Facebook stuff just says it all - posting negative shit on fb when you have a spat with someone is frankly pathetic. The girl is 11 not 4 and if the mum was worried she could keep her on the phone till she got there. She was in Macdonald's not lost in the Bronx.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 21/03/2017 09:17

X posted pixie Smile

TheNaze73 · 21/03/2017 09:18

M's mum doesn't seem particularly pleasant however the root cause of all this, is R's mother

Femaleindecisive · 21/03/2017 09:19

If I was M's mum I probably would have told M to get herself home and if she wasn't home within a certain time she'd be in even more trouble. No one is to blame here but M. If she can quite happily cycle there, she can cycle back. What is it gonna teach her if she gets bailed out.

I wouldn't have let my daughter leave the house without being able to call me though.

If I was K's mum though, if I was asked to help, I would have...

Booshbeesh · 21/03/2017 09:23

M mum should not blame other children. However a car journey there and back would.probably be 15mins. So for the safety of the child (regardless of weather shes been naughty-kids break rules) she could have picked her up and helped out. Its just being nice isnt it. Helping someone out.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2017 09:23

I'm really struggling with why people are blaming K's mum, people have called her a shit friend but she's not a friend at all, isn't that the point? Her dd did what she was told, didn't break the rules, came home and told so M was safe. And K's mum wouldn't break plans for someone she is not friends with after M's mum rang to blame her daughter for something she didn't do, M being someone who has shown bullying behaviour to her daughter and now she is being slated in fb. How the hell is K's mum in any way wrong??? Had M's mother rang to thank K for her honesty she might have gotten more help.

Also, the child was in McDonalds not at the edge of a motorway, just tell her stay there and nor to move until her mother can get there. I think its really shit K and her mother are being treated negatively and op you should definitely say something

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/03/2017 09:24

What is so dangerous about sitting in a a McDonalds at 11 years old Shock. This is March of year 6 - by Sept they will all be at secondary school, making new friends who are scattered further afield, and they will be out and about all over the place, getting buses, tubes, trains. Meeting up at subway, Mcdonalds, nandos.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2017 09:27

People saying they wouldn't be friends with K's mum because they couldn't be friends with someone who wouldn't drop everything to collect a child Shock M's own mother couldn't be arsed to drop everything to collect her own child. M is a complete cunt and I think K's is probably better off

CalmItKermitt · 21/03/2017 09:27

M is a horrible person.

diddl · 21/03/2017 09:31

So M's mother didn't ask anyone else for help?

She thought that it was soley up to K's mum to collect her daughter??

MiaowTheCat · 21/03/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 21/03/2017 09:34

M was not in danger though. Surely sat in a busy public place inside in the warm, waiting for a parent to collect her, is safe, even in the worst London suburb?

If it had been my daughter I would have instructed her to stay put and not to move and I would be there asap.

I would have been fuming with my own daughter, not her friends.

We have no idea why K's mum refused to collect, she could have had younger dc asleep herself, or maybe her car is tiny, or maybe she didn't have any fuel or any cash to buy fuel. At the minimum I'm guessing she would have had to take her own daughter in the car to collect M, and then perhaps no means of getting the bike home, which then undoubtedly would have been her fault according to M's mum.

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