Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

[BillSykesDog]

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

Well that just proves my point!!

so m is having a strop has has a new (half) sibling and is pushing boundaries

then she needs to be grounded

who did collect in the end?

If I was K's Mum, I would've helped out

K's mum is BU and is a shit friend. A real friend would drop everything to help a friend in need. A selfish friend would do the opposite, this being K. And no, she shouldn't have to beg or ask as a "big favour", she could just do it to be nice. WTF has happened to humanity?!

Umm, but, but, but K's mum is not friends with M's mum it's the OP who is friends with M's mum so K's mum is not a shit fiend at all and M has form for breaking rules and getting herself into situations and M is a bully to K so why should K's mum help out and be painted the shit friend. Madness!!!

I think K and R should be congratulated on being sensible ad obeying rules not slated for leaving M. Also if they had done what M said and not told then M would still be at McDs so they were brave to tell an adult. Kudos to K ad R.

I don't think it's shocking, but it's surprising. Most kids around here can ride a bike without training wheels by 6 or 7. 11 is definitely older than the norm.

Yeah, most kids that age can ride a bike, but in London rush hour traffic I don't think its that surprising that a child would struggle. There's a difference between navigating quiet suburban streets and main roads.
Anyway, Ms mum should have gone to get her pronto instead of arsing about, and then grounded her backside!

So the conclusion is
K mum is really a,lovely woman (and very understanding!)
And M mum has her own issues and actually quite a bit of support around that has rallied around her to make it easier for her and her dd.

I think that's quite a good outcome TBH.

I think it is M's mum's responsibility to pick up her daughter. I can understand her asking K's mum but as K's mum had plans she was not unreasonable to refuse to collect M.

God however difficult a time you are having and however little sleep (try 17 years of severely disabled child for lack of sleep) it doesn't give you the right to act like a complete arse.

I hope M's mum realises she's bloody lucky to have such forgiving friends.

I'm also fairly shocked at an 11yo who can't cycle a 30 min round trip

I didn't read it as M being too physically unfit to cycle back, but perhaps that the outward journey (which she might not have ever done by bike before) turned out to be scarier than she expected with traffic and difficult junctions, and she realised she wasn't really equipped to do it on her own. That in itself might have been quite a beneficial lesson for her to learn.

As for who IBU, I think M's mum undoubtedly was, especially by blaming K and R for not disobeying their own parents to go with M, and by moaning about it on FB.

I don't think K's mum WBU for several reasons. She wasn't particularly friendly with M's mum, M had been repeatedly unkind to K, she herself had other plans that made it difficult to go out and get M (I'm assuming these plans were legit from the way the OP was worded), and besides M wasn't actually in any danger. She might have had an uncomfortable wait, but that's a natural consequence for not doing as she was told, and if there were security guards she was hardly likely to come to any actual harm. K's mum could have gone, it wouldn't have been actively wrong to do so, but it would have been very much a favour, not an obligation. If I'd been in her position I think I would have felt justified in saying no because of the other plans, but if I'd been free, I would have gone but then used the opportunity to tell M's mum face to face how unhappy I was about being asked in view of how M had been treating K.

But really I want to say more about R. It strikes me in this story that R really had a turning point - she was closer friends with M and had always gone along with leaving K out, but on this occasion she chose to do the right thing, not break the rules about where they could go, go back with K and let someone know what M had done. Those are all actions that should be commended. Again if I was K's mum, I think I would be talking to R's mum about how impressed I was that R made the right choices. if the two of them could get some time to play together without M, I bet they would actually get along quite well, especially now they've had the shared experience of being worried about M. (This would not be all about excluding M, just making the dynamic between the three more equal, not one person dictating what they did all the time.)

The only person to blame here is m.
M's mom just wants someone to blame that isn't her or her daughter.
Why should k's mom have to go pick up the girl?
As for putting it all fb, m's mom just wants sympathy.
She doesn't want to put the blame where it really lies.

Okay, so M's mother is having a hard time. However, her instincts are to blame and attack, so... best to be wary of her!

I'd be reconsidering my friendship with M. While I have immense sympathy for anyone struggling with sleep deprivation (sigh) it doesn't excuse mean girl behaviour.

K sounds like an extremely forgiving person and M should count herself lucky that those around her are rallying around to help her.

Hope the situation improves.

I would suggest to M's Mum that K's mum deserves an apology for the Facebook vilification.
Tierdness is NO EXCUSE to treat someone else like shit.

She didn't post the FB vilification because she was tired. She posted it because she was being vindictive, whiny and mean. Tiredness is no excuse.

She needs to step up and remember that her 11 year old still needs time and attention, too, especially if she's feeling insecure over mum's new relationship and new baby in new relationship ... clearly things aren't all roses at M's house.

Ms mother is being unreasonable It is her child and her responsibility. She needs to deal with her own child. The other children are not at fault here at all, they followed the rules and respected their parents' wishes.

Apparently apologies have been made by mother and daughter to the other mother and daughter this afternoon.

K's Mum is philosophical about it all because she thinks it's brought everything to a head which might otherwise have rumbled on and everyone involved hopes this is the start of resolving the underlying issues.

K's Mum sounds very sensible and extremely understanding.

K's mum sounds like the kind of person I'd get on with. Look for the good in everyone and rise above ridiculous nonsense on FB.

I also wonder if M's mum has seen this thread

That's good to hear, OP.

Well done, M's mother, but K's mother is rightly on her guard against you.

Her child, her problem. I'd be very proud that my child wasn't coerced into going and stuck to the rules. Ms mum needs to stop finding a scapegoat and discipline her child. The only child that was wrong. She should also understand that her mum has a young baby and shouldn't be behaving so recklessly.

The info in the update doesn't change the fact that MotherM behaved very badly. I don't care how tired you are, you don't go slagging off other people on Facebook (or anywhere), especially when it's YOUR child who is totally at fault. If she's that tired, she'd have been better off having a rest, not writing nasty posts on social media.

It's up to M's mum to sort this. K and R have done the right thing and the other mum was not in a position to help, nor should she really. The girl would have been fine in a McDonald's.
Quite frankly if I was her mum I would have told her to cycle herself back home or walk with the bike and be home asap. I have an 11 year old in exactly this stage of taking cycle rides alone. They need to learn responsibility and she won't go so far next time if she remembers how arduous it was last time.

I am glad they have sorted it OP.

For what it is worth, I too, like K's mum, be telling M's mother to go fetch her delinquent daughter home herself but at the same time beating myself up for not helping out someone in need. I don't think I could settle or live with myself if something happened to M whilst M's mum struggled to get to her.

In reality, I think despite my feelings on the issue and calling M and M's mum a 'cow-bag' (or any other derogatory term), I would have still gone to get the little 's*!

And yes, even grown, educational women can sometimes lose the plot and fire on all cylinders on social media when wound up, right or wrong, and then regret it. Can't remember if you said the FB post had been deleted, but if it has, good. Shows that actually when all is calm, they are reasonable and sensible people.

It's easy to be all prim and proper with perfect answers to everything when sat behind a tablet, phone or computer.