Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

[BillSykesDog]

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

I was thinking that M's mum was unreasonable and that there had to be a back story before I read your update. She is being totally unreasonable. K's mum has read this correctly - she would be enabling the behaviour if she went to get her. People like M's mum need to learn that the rest of the world do not exist to clear up their shit.

It's nice to be a nice friend and to put yourself out for your friends - but it's not nice to be taken for a mug.

And who blames an 11 year old for your 11 year old's behaviour!

I wouldn't be contacting the school though - that's an overreaction.

An 11 yr old in a London suburb isn't a 7 year old in gangland. It might be late in the day for cycling through traffic but she could walk the bike back to the agreed cycling zone which would be a salutory lesson in doing as you are told.

My kids at this age did that type of journey without a second thought (or mobile phones), as did I and all my friends. If its getting dark to cycle safely at this time of year then its also the busy time in terms of people around.

Regarding M's mum bitching about other people behind their back on FB - IME people you see doing this to others are just as likely to do it to you when it suits them. The only person responsible for this happening is M.

"she would be enabling the behaviour if she went to get her."

Yes!

Maybe now her mum has been inconvenienced, there will be a consequence!!

It's M's fault for doing what she did, it was the responsibility of M's Mum to rectify. Ideally maybe K's Mum would have given M's Mum a lift to get her daughter, just so she knows she's safe and is there ASAP. Then walked home with M on the bike. But ultimately if K's Mum says no, then at worst M's Mum will have to get a taxi, there's no way round it.

M is scared and vulnerable so it's unlikely the little adventurer will repeat the behaviour.

Part of me thinks if K's Mum had the courtesy to call M's, it would have 'been nice' for a bit of help. Guessing K's Mum is reluctant that her daughter should hang about with this child if she won't obey rules.

If I was K's Mum and had the means I would have helped. But not saying K's Mum is obliged, that's just what I'd do.

M's mum is being unreasonable.

It would be nice for K's mum to pick her up... if M's mum had apologised for the inconvenience and for her daughter's actions - which presumably worried R & K if they felt the need to tell. To me it seems like M Mum was asking K Mum to pick her daughter up in order to punish K for leaving M.

M's mum has no boundaries, does she?

A mum phones to let her know where her daughter is (somewhere she shouldn't be!)

Her reaction is to phone the mum (not a friend) back, ask that her daughter be collected & is rude when told no!

But this is hilarious " She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M "

So all three girls should have been stuck at McDonalds??

Well if K & R plus bikes were fetched, that might still have lest M needed to be fetched by her mum!

Is this making you rethink your friendship at all Op?

ok I didn't read the full thread and didn't see all this other nonsense with the fb slagging off and the bullying.....

M's mother is a nasty piece of work. You may not be able to do anything about this, realistically. Just distance yourself. Don't get dragged into a battle on her terms - she lives this shit, you don't (doesn't seem like it anyway).

She is the kind of person who thinks that people are there to serve her and that there is something wrong with them when they are not behaving as her instruments, and that she is justified in being a bitch about it. There is no educating people like this. They go through life aggrieved, surrounded by feuds and weirdness, genuinely confused that people have their own stuff to do and aren't servants. They will never get it and they will be awful, one by one, to everyone who isn't their creature.

Lol at primary school teacher saying k should have dropped everything for a child in danger

I really hope the user name doesn't relate to your career with that ridiculous perspective.

How about Ms mum gets off her own arse and parents her own child if she is 'in danger'

Laughable.

@BillSykesDog How did she get home in the end?

I agree with posters saying M and M's Mum ABU.

K's Mum is not responsible for someone else's child disobeying their mother.

The only think M was probably in danger of, was ordering another box of McNuggets while she waited for her mum.

Contacting the school is not an overreaction. If it was suggested simply because the parents were having a disagreement then yes it would be overreacting BUT this problem may spill over to school.

As has already been stated:- M has been ALREADY been bullying K at school and R has gone along with it.

M's mum blames M and possibly R for not sticking with M when M did something wrong. If she is spouting over on facebook about it, I'm pretty sure she will have told M that she believes this too.

M will want to lay the blame somewhere too so, what is she going to do when she next sees K? Whose side do you think R will take?

I'm not suggesting running to school with screenshots right now, I'm suggesting keeping an eye out and if anything is heard, then mentioning what has happened to the school. Screenshots can be mentioned at a later date IF necessary! Some schools do not act unless there is proof of bullying and this would help.

Lol at primary school teacher saying k should have dropped everything for a child in danger hmm

Maybe primary school teacher spends her afternoons driving Year 6 kids home from school as it is a bit inconvenient for parents to collect???

Wonder what the mother would have done if the other girls had said nothing & she'd phoned her daughter to tell her to come straight home!

Agree with pootle - what is going on with Ms mum is unpleasant but the adults can look after themselves, the concern is how this will play into a situation where there may already be bullying. The lack of evidence can be a problem and bullying can go on under the radar for years - children often underplay it to their parents and they're in a hothouse environment of school where they're forced to face their tormentors daily. I think saving the fb posts somewhere and keeping an eye on the situation would be the kind thing to do for the children involved. OP, you don't mention if you have DC involved in this group? If you do, even more reason to keep an eye on things.

As a mother of a child who has been bullied I would say well done K's Mum for not changing her plans to go and pick M up. What message does it send your child if you bend over backward to be nice and help the person who is bullying you

Shocked? Really? My 11 year old can just about ride a bike (in a rather unstable fashion). Shall I get the smelling salts?

I don't think it's shocking, but it's surprising. Most kids around here can ride a bike without training wheels by 6 or 7. 11 is definitely older than the norm.

Why didn't M's mom call R's parents to help?

I wouldn't say anything to either of the mums tbh. They're both aware that they had a difference of opinion over this. If mum M plays out her life on Fb and gets support from other parents, I would leave her to it. There isn't anything you can say that will change her mind about mum K especially if other parents are being supportive on Fb.
Fwiw, if I had a car and was able to collect someone easily then I would. It wouldn't be my responsibility but it is more of a faff to go on public transport with a 6 month old than to do a 10 minute run in a car. I also think dynamics in 3-way-friendships are rarely clear-cut.

Not RTFT (busy today) but I think both are being unreasonable. K's mum should have gone and got the kid to safety, it's just the decent thing to do. But she would then be totally justified in reading M's Mum the riot act afterwards.

I hope K is going to a different school to M next year.

And yes, OP, you do need to say something to M's Mum. Are you R's Mum??

M's mum sounds like an entitled bully and a PITA.

A) She should SORT HER OWN DAUGHTER OUT and not make this K's mum's problem that she's supposed to feel guilty about.

B) she is miffed because the girl who normally "follows" her daughter has not on this occasion.
In groups of 3 girls there is often one who is a bit on the outside of the other two. M's mum is used to her daughter being the leader in this group dynamic, but on this occasion, the other two (R particularly) have not fallen into line.

C) M's mum is nasty and ignorant to take to Facebook about this. Wow!!

Please also take to FB BillSykes and set the record straight! Or st least tell K's mum.

M's mum is problematic and her daughter sounds the same.

YABVU M's mum

Also why did she not just get an UBER?

Maybe its just me but I'm struggling to see an 11yr old at MacDonalds, in london suburb at a busy time of day with a mobile phone as in intrinsic danger.

I would and have done the proverbial 3am drives to places for kids/teens including other peoples' when they have been caught out in dubious places. This isn't that scenario - its a long but doable walk at a time of day when other people will be around.

We don't know what K's mother's plans were - she could have been off out to an appt or help someone else. We don't know if the fact that M's mother was blaming her child was a contributor to her unavailability. However if M has been bullying K I can kind of see why the mother might not want to imply agreement by accepting responsibility.

But what if she slips on a squashed french fry in the half an hour it takes her mum to get there?

What THEN???

M's mum IBVU. M is her DD and her responsibility. K and the other girl acted responsibly and did the right thing and should not be made to feel in the wrong about any part of it. K'S mum did the right thing by phoning M's mum to tell her about the situation and where her DD is. K's mums responsibility stops there. If she has plans/is busy/ just doesn't want to pick up M then that's fair enough. M's mum sounds like a nightmare.