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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

257 replies

BillSykesDog · 21/03/2017 02:32

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

OP posts:
Jessbow · 21/03/2017 08:21

Kinda make you wonder how it would have ended, if when the two girls came home and told you, they had just been praised for being sensible and respecting the boundaries.

Where would the silly girl be now? Still in McD's with no phone credit and to scared to ride home.

And her Mother wondering where she was.

I know what I'd do next time, because there will be a next time.
Other peoples children safety isn't my responsibilty

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/03/2017 08:21

I should say something though shouldn't I?

Yes OP. If you're good friends I would. One of the things I made sure I was doing as a grown up was surround myself with friends that would tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.

You need to be that friend right now I'd say. Shitty yes but she needs to be told as she's clearly overeacting got blinkers on here. I get it, I love my nephew to bitd but he is the most infuriating challenging teenager some days. My DSis thinks he can do no wrong, and one of the reasons he has always shown respect to me is because he knows he can't play me as he can play the others. Bit like M by the sounds of it.

springflowers11 · 21/03/2017 08:22

I can't understand why M could not wait at McD's she is 11 FGS! How come she could cycle there but not back?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/03/2017 08:22

Also yes, please screenshot and send Ks mum Ms facebook post.

If you're happy enough to plaster it over facebook you should be happy enough to grow a pair and tell the person yourself .

ExitPursuedByUser54321 · 21/03/2017 08:23

I thought you said that M's mum knew that R & M leave K out of stuff at school and would have expected R to stick with M. Which surely is bullying?

springflowers11 · 21/03/2017 08:23

But I would drop everything and pick up a friend's child who was genuinely at risk, but I don't think this is the case here

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/03/2017 08:23

To all those sayng Ks Mum should have picked M up. What would Ms Mum have done if Ks Mum was at work?

Ultimately. Your own child is tour own responsibility. Even when they do mess up.

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2017 08:24

I think M's mum is unreasonable to blame the others. But I think K's mum was "outrageous" not to nip and pick M up. But this is Mumsnet, where giving someone a lift to somewhere you're going already at a time you're going there is seen as akin to donating a kidney, so I am not surprised so many people would refuse to drive for 5 minutes to pick up a child who's done something daft.

StudentMum92 · 21/03/2017 08:24

I think both are BU.

M's mum - Shouldn't expected anyone to go get her child, she is her responsibility. She's also BU for blaming the other girls.

K's mum - Is being a bit of an arse and awkward about picking up M. M is one of her child's friends and I know if that were me, I'd do it. I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to M knowing I could of done something about it.

StudentMum92 · 21/03/2017 08:26

Forgot to add if I was K's mum Id be having words with M during the lift home.

ChasedByBees · 21/03/2017 08:26

A 10 min bus and 10 mins walk is nothing if M's mum has no physical difficulties. As to those saying what has happened to humanity/friendship and K's mum should do it - we don't know if the mothers are friends. We don't know her plans and frankly, not her circus, not her monkeys. Blaming K for following the rules would not make me want to help. In fact, I'd ask K to not go cycling with M again.

Nospringflower · 21/03/2017 08:26

If I were you I wouldn't get involved with telling about the FB messages. Why would you apart from to cause trouble?

Penfold007 · 21/03/2017 08:27

As you value M Mum's friendship keep out of it. She knows exactly how 'spirited' her DD is but it's easier to blame someone else. Make no mistake if you get involved she will turn on you.

Itmustbemyage · 21/03/2017 08:27

M's mum is totally at fault here. Worried that M won't be safe in a MacDonalds but quite happy to send her out to play on her bike without having any credit on her phone to call her mum in an emergency. What if M had an accident or got lost on the way to MacDonalds? If K hadn't told her mum M could have been anywhere. If I was M's mum I would be very thankful that my child was safe.
If I were you I would be commenting on the FB page in support of K's mum.

EweAreHere · 21/03/2017 08:30

M's mum is completely in the wrong.

M's daughter broke the rules. The other girls did the right thing: they tried to talk her out of it, but when she refused, they came home. They didn't follow her down the rabbit hole.

M's mum is now even further in the wrong by blaming K's mum (but not the other girl's mum) for not picking up her daughter, M. Her daughter isn't where she's supposed to be; she'll have to sort her own daughter out.

This is not the other parents' problem. And slagging off Ks' mum on FB is completely not on. I hope you set the story straight in your circles and back up K's mum. You have the power to do the right thing.

GreenPeppers · 21/03/2017 08:33

I'm noticing that M mother is expecting two 11yo NOT to obey the rules that have been given to them!!!

If it had been the other way around and K had wanted to go toe McDo, would M mother have been saying that it was only right that M followed her? I doubt it tbh.

As for K mum not going to pick up M. I suspect that there is a back story and she had enough of dancing to M mum tune.
You could argue that K mum wasn't very charitable but then why was M mum expecting her to make some efforts for her dd instead of taking responsibility for her own child? And making it was the fault of the other two children who stuck to the rules??

Thinkingblonde · 21/03/2017 08:34

Where is M's dad in all of this? Why couldn't he pick her up.

limitedperiodonly · 21/03/2017 08:35

The only sensible ones are the two girls who did as they were told and reported M for being stupid.

Everyone else is behaving like a child, but at least I can forgive M, because she actually is one.

If I was K's mum I'd have made a deep sigh over the phone, driven to McDonalds, crammed the bike in if I could or left it if not, and delivered M home with a face like a slapped arse.

It's because I'd be worried that M, having done one stupid thing by cycling on a busy road, might do another one and cycle home and get hurt or killed. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, annoying though M and her mum are.

Then I'd tell my daughter not to mix so much with M seeing as she does risky things and is a bully. I'd have as little as possible to do with her mother.

If I were you, I'd stay out of it and their silly FB spats.

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2017 08:42

"We don't know her plans and frankly, not her circus, not her monkeys"

God, I hate this mean spirited attitude. Just hideous.

corythatwas · 21/03/2017 08:46

I don't suppose a 5 minute car journey is a major deal. But then I know that a 10 minute bus journey isn't a major deal, so don't see why M's mum couldn't get a move on.

After she had finished apologising profusely to K's mum for her dd trying to get her dd into danger, that is.

That's what I would have done. If you don't drive, you should try to get used to the idea of sorting things out for yourself rather than expecting lifts.

JustSpeakSense · 21/03/2017 08:51

K and her mum need to start avoiding M and her mum, they are shit friends.

pluck · 21/03/2017 08:51

If M's FB posts are winding up other school parents, to the extent that K could get extra grief at school, I'd be screen-shotting those interactions and sharing them with K's mother (also speaking up for K's mother if you can). So often, the parents of bullied children have so little proof that they're left doubly helpless.

MangoSplit · 21/03/2017 08:55

Sorry OP, I know none of this is your fault, but I do think you need to step in here if you can. Poor K Sad

SoulAccount · 21/03/2017 08:57

Do not tell tales between the mothers. If you are friends with M's Mum tell her , kindly but clearly, that you didn't want to post it in Fb but you don't really agree that the others should have gone off limits, or that K's Mum was responsible. Tell her also that you are not comfortable joining any Fb posts which are behind people's backs. Suggest she has a tactful straightforward conversation about what is going on between the girls.

3 way friendship groups at this age are often problematic.

TBH she doesn't sound great. Slagging people and their kids off on Fb and gathering a 'gang' who agree with her is not nice behaviour and exactly how playground politics get b nasty.

On second thoughts I would steer well clear!

Primaryteach87 · 21/03/2017 09:01

M's mum is being unfair to K but if I was M's mum I wouldn't be friends with K's mum.
I would drop anything in a heartbeat if I thought a friend's child was in danger as my friends would for me/DC.
K is a crap friend

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