Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

[BillSykesDog]

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

Does M have form for being 'spirited' ....

Also, if K's mother collected M, presumably she'd have to drag K out to do it, and K absolutely does not deserve that hassle (not just the hassle of (a) being dragged out and (b) missing plans, but also (c) having to face a defensive, agitated M in the car on the way back!), after she (K) did M such a favour as to save her arse! Remember, M told K and the other girl not to tell. Imagine if they hadn't told!

I'm puzzled as to why M couldn't cycle back.

Not unreasonable for M's Mum to ask for a lift.
Not unreasonable for K's Mum to refuse if she is busy. If she isn't really busy and just being arsey then she is BU.
M's Mum is BU to say it was the other girls fault.

So if the three girls had gone and got stuck how were the three bikes supppsed to fit in one car?

Having already made it there what risk was M at actually sitting waiting at McDonald's? Is it an area there is likely to be a drive through shooting at ?!

We all know it's Ms mum who is totally unreasonable. And she will probably console and justify M "you poor thing imagine them leaving you then the mum wouldn't even make sure you are ok"

Some people!

I've been here of sorts!

M always does as she pleases and it's never her fault! Either everyone else should have gone (kids always push boundaries) or she didn't really mind M going she just said no as others did.

However the M I know would have gone and picked her her M with K and R, provided them all a huge mc Donald's and then another fun treat as she wouldn't have wanted M to feel bad.

It's actually M fault. We are all the parent of M at some point imo. But it's how we deal with it that affects the future outcome.
M should have got her own DD.
Did K refuse because this happens a lot?

Why does K's mum having plans make her a shit friend?

I wouldn't have gone. I have a small car, another small child i would have had to have taken. I wouldnt have fitted 2 kids and a bike in.

Cant imagine anyone would have been happy with leaving the bike.

Besides which, if we people are assuming things we dont know, this may not be the first time stuff like this has happened.

Perhaps the mother of the child in macdonalds should have been nicer when asking for a favour.

M's mum is being unreasonable blaming others for her daughters behaviour and expecting k's mum to change her plans to pick her up. Not sure how that makes her a shit friend and I'd be raging with my dc if they did this.

Out of curiosity ,was r's mum asked to get her as I only see k's mum mentioned

On the surface of it, only M's mum is being unreasonable. K's mum may or may not have been able to help out but I don't think I would after K was part blamed for M's actions. K's mum was also then in charge of K and R, in her case my first action would be to make sure R got safely home and didn't go off herself and to explain her actions to her parents.

M's Mum should have got a taxi there to collect her and then lock the bike up until it can be collected later. One of the others might have helped to look after the baby but the baby could have gone in a taxi assuming a car seat was available.

The situation is obviously M's fault and the other children acted correctly.

M's mum is being manipulative to try to blame the other children in order to guilt trip the other mother into helping her out.

However asking for help in the form a lift is perfectly reasonable - where I live it would be totally normal to ask a neighbour mum in that situation even if their child had no involvement, and people do help each other out. I've taken kids to football training when they are in a different age category to mine so have training on a different day, and picked up from parties even though my invited child was sick so didn't go, and a neighbor mum once took my DD to school after I messed up offering to drive her (she normally takes a bus) so she could leave later and then my car wouldn't start - her own DD had already gone by bus! I've had kids over night so neighbors can host birthday sleep overs for siblings even when I didn't have a kid invited to the sleep over, and a neighbor had one of my kids so I could drive a car load of others somewhere even though she didn't have a kid involved in the event I was driving the kids to.

Its nice to be nice and its also self interested to be nice in the case of helping out with kid stuff as what goes around usually comes around.

K's mum sounds a bit short sighted and unhelpful, and if she needs a favour from M's mum she'll have burnt her bridges there which is silly of her - but M's mum was in the wrong for going on the attack instead of asking nicely and apologetically for a favour...

As to whether M should have cycled back alone - that depends entirely on traffic. Nothing wrong with an 11 yo doing a 15 minute cycle ride alone in the right circumstances - even my 9 yo does that under certain conditions, but not in heavy, busy traffic without a proper cycle path if she hasn't practised it with a parent/ adult several times and both she and the adult who has seen her do it need to feel she is not going to wobble into traffic or fail to apply her theoretical cycling proficiency knowledge. Adult cyclists are killed in London traffic fairly regularly, so it really does depend on the route.

M's mum is being totally unreasonable and ridiculous.

Anyone who tried to blame my child for THEIR child's mistake or bad behaviour would soon be put right and then I'd cut them off.

K&R did everything right. Did the third girl's mother have a car, that then led to M's mum also trying to guilt her into picking M up, or was K's mum the only lucky recipient of this sort of call?

How did M get home in the end, OP?

M's Mum v unreasonable to start blaming the others. I can see why she might have found it easier if K's Mum was able to pick her up.

Also why couldn't M cycle back? Presumably it had been decided they weren't safe to do that. Or she herself had lost her nerve, or it was getting dark?

If I was K's Mum and M's Mum was stressed and upset I would have offered to pick M up, but not if my plans, for example, were collecting another child who would be outside cubs (for e.g) waiting for me, or dashing for the start of a course / class that I was leading, or studying for work, for example.

haha, You're M's Mum. You gotta be. What an outrageous perspective Lady Oi

eviethehamster Tue 21-Mar-17 06:00:55
Oh for gods sake. I'm really glad I'm not friends with some of these posters.

K's mum is BU and is a shit friend. A real friend would drop everything to help a friend in need. A selfish friend would do the opposite, this being K. And no, she shouldn't have to beg or ask as a "big favour", she could just do it to be nice. WTF has happened to humanity?!

Ms mum is being ridiculous and entitled.

Ps. evie, I would have gone and picked the child up.

Mother of M

M totally,wrong. Disobeyed an instruction. Other kids did what they were told. Not for their mother to sort out.

M should have either got a taxi, taken a bus or told m to walk bike home.

M's Mother is being the unreasonable one, so is M.

I'd be very cross with M's Mother if I was K or Rs parents, if I was K's Mother I'd definitely be telling her, in no uncertain terms that in no way was my daughter or her friend R in any way unreasonable when they did as they were told and stayed where they were asked to!

Are you K's Mum OP?

M's mum doesn't want to get the ten minute bus with a six month old baby??? No wonder M does whatever she likes, the mum can't even be arsed to get on a bus. Ten minutes walk and bus is absolutely nothing. Nothing when YOUR own child has been naughty, and others have behaved. Why should the kids that have behaved have their day interrupted and their mum inconvenienced. M's mum needs to take responsibility for her own kid and get her herself. If someone asked me to do this in the same circumstances I'd say no, and I'm very much a lift-giver and am happy to help people out if they don't drive. But people need to manage their own kids. This bullshit on top about how the other girls were at fault for not going with her, would really piss me off. M's mum is lazy and irresponsible.

M's mum wbu in her attitude to the other mum BUT if M's mum had gone to sort out her daughter what happened to the bike as there is no way the bus driver would have allowed the bike on his bus for the return journey.

Yep - would have told M to walk her bike back.

K's mum had plans, M's mum is only slightly inconvenienced by having to pick up her own child, but M would also learn more of a lesson walking home.

M is the unreasonable one. Her mum is slightly unreasonable as it is not K's fault for following the rules.

If I were K's mum I might have offered help AFTER I had done whatever needed doing, but it depends on how often I had been asked in the past.

What would the child in McDs have done if the other girls hadn't told on her? How would she have got back? I expect she'd have tried to ride or would have walked.

All this is that child's fault. Her mother should sort it out.

I'm currently pregnant but planning to go back to work when baby is 6 months (like I did last time). I hadn't realised it was a get out of jail card which meant other people should suffer the consequences of my badly behaved child. Ace!

Well generally that's what I thought which maskes me feel a bit better.

Her Mum might have got a taxi up to her, it was me that assumed she would have had to use public transport because I didn't think of it. She couldn't cycle back because it really is too dangerous a route for her to be on even though she'd done it once. It was quite a long way walking back to her house on foot with a bike and would have taken her until after dark through some areas under trainlines etc which possibly aren't the safest alone and she doesn't know any alternative routes back and didn't have any money left to get a bus back. Her Mum was worried about her being on her own in McDonald's waiting. They are only just turned 11.

I'm neither mother. Neither are particularly friendly with each other but both are friends of mine. They're not FB friends with each other but I am friends with both and can see M's Mum is on FB slagging off K's Mum (including to other school Mums) and is being told she INBU and getting lots of sympathy and told how awful it is she had to go get her. I wondered if I was alone in thinking it wasn't really K's Mum's job to go traipsing round after M.

There is a wider issue which I didn't put in because I genuinely wanted to know who WBU just on the bare bones of the issue. K's Mum has mentioned a few times recently that M is a bit of a bully towards K and that she excludes her at school and R normally goes along with this as they are the closer friends. I think part of the issue with Ms mother is that she feels that it was K's influence that R didn't go along with M this time and that R should have gone with her while K went home and told. And that M&R normally stick together which she thinks would have been safer in her opinion and they didn't because of K. So in her mind K caused it partly.

I'm mulling over whether I should tell K's Mum about the FB because of the bullying issue etc or stay out of it. It does feel like it's a wider part of the bullying. M's Mum is a good friend, but can be a bit of a dick as far as her kids are concerned. They can do no wrong.

M's mum is completely unreasonable. M caused the issue so it is M's mum who should pick her up not anybody else.