Which of these mothers is being unreasonable?

[BillSykesDog]

I'm none of these mothers btw. They are friends, situation is:

Three 11 yo primary school girls. Have done their bike safety course so are being allowed out to practice road cycling around their quiet residential streets in a London suburb. They have a very clearly defined area they must stay within. Only one of the girls, M has taken her mobile and that has no credit on it so is only receiving incoming calls.

They come to the end of the area they are allowed to cycle in. M says she wants to continue on the main road, where they are not supposed to go because she wants to visit tha McDonald's in the next suburb a good 15 mins cycle away. The other two girls K and R say they are not allowed and won't go. M tries to persuade them. They still say no. M says even if they don't go she is going anyway and they mustn't tell on her.

K and R go to K's home but are looking very obviously worried so the story comes out pretty quickly. K's Mum calls M's mother to tell her that her daughter had gone off to McDonalds. M's mother calls M who is now at McDonalds, she tells her that she must not try to cycle back, M says she doesn't think she can manage it anyway.

M's Mum then calls K's Mum and asks her if K's Mum will drive and pick M up. M's Mum is at home on her own without a car and with a six month old baby. She will need to make a ten minute walk and then a 10 min bus ride to get to McDonald's under her own steam. K's Mum refuses to drive and pick M up because she is busy and has plans and says M needs to sort her daughter out herself.

M thinks it is dangerous for her daughter to be waiting alone in the McDonalds for that length of time. She thinks that problem has arisen because K and R went home instead of sticking with M and left her on her own so it is partly K's fault the situation has occurred and K's mother should drive to collect her for that reason. K's mother still refuses to pick her up.

Which mother do you think is being unreasonable in this situation?

M's mum was not unreasonable to ask for help but massively unreasonable to tell K's mum that K was at all at fault!!

If I were K's mum I'd have helped if I could; not always possible though.

Sadly M has probably got off scott free as her mum is fuming at K's mum and not at her.....

There is a massive gap in M'sMum's logic if she thinks the other girls leaving M alone is the root of the problem, as she either thinks the other two should have gone against the rules and accompanied her to McDs, or that the right thing for her dd to have done if she found herself alone was to set off for McD's along the main road.

Doesn't quite make the case.

Of course M was trying to mitigate her predicament on the phone to her Mum.

X-post. So it's K's fault for not enabling the Princess?! I bet you anything R is getting grief for 'not supporting her friend' (from both M and M's mum) when she goes round there too. So overall, poor R is the one who loses the most

If she isn't really busy and just being arsey then she is BU.

If the weather in London has been anything like it has been up here the past few days it's been relentlessly raining.

K's mum is the one busy a 6month old isn't she?

No way would I be dragging my 6month old out with K, without a car to go and pick M up just because she couldn't / wouldn't do as the other girls did and stay where they were told to.

It's M's mum with the baby sibling not K's.

So M's mum is colluding in the bullying of K.

Nice friend.

K's mum is BU and is a shit friend. A real friend would drop everything to help a friend in need.

She got herself in that position by not doing what K & R did and staying where they'd been told to.

K's mum is not being a shit friend at all. She's tegusing to enable someone who felt it was fine to go against what she'd been specifically told to, and even worse telling K & R not to tell anyone. If K & R didnt tell would Ms Mum still be blaming Ks Mum as K & Rs Mum would still be nonethewiser and Ms Mum would have had to pick her up anyway!

If you have parents like this that refuse / cant be arsed to set boundaries then you have to set them yourself.
If M had been coming home and got stuck, fair enough. She hadn't, I don't care which way it's dressed up. All K is doing is rsfusing to enable her behaviour, whilst also not putting herself out to go and fetch an 11yo who clearly didnt listen in the first place. She disobeyed her parents and that's how she ended up 'stuck' at Mcdonalds. She was stuck in Mcdonalds not stuck on the M25.

I also very much suspect the stuck is 11yo language for "I can't be arsed to ride all the way home now. Come and pick me up".

From the basics in the OP, it would have been nice for K's mum to help, but not an obligation. It was unreasonable for K to be blamed.

From the update that there are difficulties with M&K, and not surprisingly M is treated as the golden girl by her mum, I can't blame K's mum for not helping.

I've been "unavailable" to help someone out before when they are a demanding, expectant type. Generally I wouldn't have been available to assist, and it wouldn't have been worth the long term bother when being genuinely unavailable in the future. I've helped out when possible for pleasant, reasonable people that were just grateful for that particular occasion when I could help and no expectations were created.

I do not see anything wrong with any of these scenarios:

M walks back pushing her bike and her inconvenience is part of the punishment

M waits quietly in MdDonald's for half an hour until her mum comes and gets her (M's mum's wrath at the inconvenience is part of M's punishment)

M's mum rings up a reputable taxi company and asks them to send a cab with a large enough boot (the money comes out of M's pocket money)

If M's mum lives without a car but still thinks a 10 minute walk + a 10 minute bus ride is a big deal, then one rather suspects that M's mum has form for taking advantage of her friends. Speaking as someone who did bring up 2 children without a car.

I'm mulling over whether I should tell K's Mum about the FB because of the bullying issue etc or stay out of it.
I would give her the heads up. If for no reason than she can assure k she did the right thing no matter how many people make out she didn't.

M's bad behaviour was the sole cause of the situation

K and R were correct and good in refusing to disobey the boundaries and in telling an adult.

M's mother must be shut down with her slagging off the others. She needs to be told publicly "If you continue to say this was partly K&R's fault then YOU will be responsible for killing them or another like them next time M leads another child into danger because of your bad parenting."

If I was K''s mum I would have gone to get M

I think K would be wise to stay away from M.

Well I don't know that M's Mum does know that the bullying has been happening. So not necessarily colluding in bullying. But more a case of the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

It's a bit of a shitty situation for me. M's Mum is a good friend who has supported me through a lot but I think she's really wrong here. I think I'm going to tell her she's taking the piss and should apologise though. It's crappy when you have a friend who is a really good mate to you but shitty to other people. I should say something though shouldn't I?

And actually I think in your shoes I would correct M's mum on Facebook. She sounds vile.

Oh cross posted - but yes I would say something to M. By PM maybe if you are good friends .

I think it's mean not to help a friend in need but the mothers sent friends from what you say. I've been in situations where I've needed someone to bail me out and thankfully they have. Equally I have bailed other people out.

I would not want my 11 year old daughter hanging around a McDonalds alone, waiting for me

The correct response from M's mother would be to thank K's mother for letting her know her daughter had been dangerously disobedient.

I guess we know why M feels entitled to be silly - she obviously just gets away with it.

If I was K's mother I simply wouldn't engage with all this and do my best to encourage my DD to find another friendship group.

M's mother sounds entitled and nasty. There's no need to slag someone off on FB who did you a favour.

No wonder M does what she wants... her mother enables it.

There's no need to slag someone off on FB who did you a favour.

She didn't do her a favour. Telling someone their child has gone off on their own isn't a favour, it's common sense!!

M's mum is definitely BU in my view. But if I had been K's mum, I'd have gone to pick M up, as I'd have been concerned for her safety otherwise.

M sounds pretty entitled and it seems quite clear where she's seen and picked up on that behaviour.
I would never have the cheek to make such demands, baby or no baby, when my child had behaved in such a snotty way towards the others.
However it seems v likely that the darling M has spun her mother a whole web of untruths about what actually happened.

I've also noticed nothing has been said about either of R's parents...

Ms mum is a bully. Going on face book to slag off Ks mum is horrible behaviour.

I'm also shocked anyone would think asking a woman home alone with kids and a six month old baby to go get her daughter is ok.

M was at fault, she broke the rules knowingly, her mum is at fault for not just pressurising another mum to sort it out, then blaming the other kids, but also then bullying on face book.