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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 21:56

Silver "My grandmother, aunts & uncles send my ex money and presents for birthday and Christmas. It's pretty shit."

That is shit. Your whole family is bankrolling this bastard to stay in the kid's lives. Hopefully he will soon (sad for her) be someone else's problem.

How do you feel about him leaving.

BillSykesDog · 19/03/2017 21:57

FWIW OP, I still think the same thing. I think you were in a horrendous situation where your partner had withdrawn from your relationship in favour of drinking. I don't blame you for a minute for having an affair and I don't think it's entirely your fault the relationship is over.

I don't understand why you're upset he's moving away though. I suspect the less contact between your DC and him and your mother the better. Your mother has utterly betrayed you.

Original poster
SilverDoo · 19/03/2017 21:58

The problem is now my mother's plan is back firing she is putting on the charm offensive with me. I find it very difficult not to get sucked in and she can be lovely but deep down I know it's manipulation.

DP cannot stand her, he sees what she's done and how painful it's all been.

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 21:58

Sookies "why would you comment on my posting some of the thread?" Because I wanted to comment on what you were saying.

Er thats not what I said. Now you are just making shit upShock

Original poster
SilverDoo · 19/03/2017 22:01

I'm incredibly sad for my DC that he's leaving. They are very upset. I'm trying to see it as a positive thing rather than becoming bitter about it. I'm feeling quite anxious about how it will affect DC but DP and I are hoping it'll bring us closer together as a family if nothing else.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 19/03/2017 22:01

greyhound, perhaps the lack of back-pedalling is because some posters won't have the balls to come back. You know, the ones who were saying that the entire breakdown of the marriage was the OPs fault and the alcoholic was probably an amazing parent who never put any strain on the marriage

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 22:03

So go nc OP.

You have no reason to stay in touch.
As much as I agree your ex was abusive and you did not deserve it you had an affair. I am not comparing 1 to the other as they are totally different but whiter than white you are not.
Your family clearly feel your affair was the worse act so why bother with them?
Move on with your new family and dont let it upset you. Its not worth it.

MadMags · 19/03/2017 22:04

I think your mother acted abominably.

I would go NC. Your new baby isn't as good as your other dc? Fuck. That.

BillSykesDog · 19/03/2017 22:05

^^That would be the back peddling BANG on time

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:05

Sookies sorry Blush those speak marks should not be there!

I was not meaning to make shit up.

I meant to say...

Why would you comment on my posting some of the thread?" (A question to you). Because I can't see why it affects you, unless of course I was commenting on what you had, so I said -Because I wanted to comment on what you were saying. - and I always find it annoying when people comment on what others have said and then don't say the key bit the other person said!

BUT it was looking like we were just going to disagree so I said

I don't think we will agree so how about I don't comment on your posts and you don't on mine?

That was what I should have said because the thread is about support for the OP and I don't want to keep disagreeing with you so I won't comment on your comments further, and you can do as you like. OK? I hope that makes sense, it does in my head! Thanks

brianna5 · 19/03/2017 22:08

I have no time wasting my energy to reply. Nxt time spk the truth if you want a honest opinion.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:11

Bill we didn't know really what the alcoholic parent was like. A struggling person trying to get off booze who with a bit more time could have made it and the affair not affected anything if only evil granny had kept her mouth shut (my first thought I will admit).

But the reality was very different and maybe with or without Granny's shit bombs it would have exploded as it did. In the long run the OP the real one, has a lovely partner she cares about. and the kids have a dad and step dad they can love and look up to.

The key bit, the betrayal by the mum, that is there in the original post. Except now we know that Granny has stood by a man who violently assaulted her daughter and has been abusive to his own child.

I think the sex of any of the 'offenders' or characters is irrelevant. But the OP made sure of this by posting as her own mother. I do think it is clever. Even if people guessed.

And there will be loads of bods who can't be bothered to read 14 pages and will pop on to answer the original opening post!

MadMags · 19/03/2017 22:15

Bill was that to me?

My only other post was to say a) this was a reverse and b) on the off chance that it wasn't, the "mil" was completely in the wrong! Confused

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:16

SilverDoo I know you are sad for your kids that their father is leaving but realy isn't it better for them to know now what he is like. Than to continue with an image of him that is not real. he has let them down, assaulted their mum, abused them/one of them. He is a very poor excuse for a father.

Better for your partner to be a strong male role model and step dad who can be relied on.

And having an affair really is not the end of the world, please do not beat yourself up about this any longer, maybe it was a cry for help, who knows, but it worked it got you out of an abusive marriage. You were not your husbands property. I don't condone affairs but at the end of the day you are your own person, you chose to do what was right for you, I don't condemn or condone you at all and I know many others would not condemn you either.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 22:20

But Italian

Bill knows what every alcoholic behaves like ever! If you disagree she will put you down and say you know nothing. She is the formost expert on them.

mumto2two · 19/03/2017 22:20

Was about to post on this with a genuine input..but having just spotted this whole reverse thing..am totally & utterly confused. There is something inherently wrong about pretending to be somebody you are not..whether that is on an Internet forum or not. Sorry I just don't understand Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:27

brianna "I have no time wasting my energy to reply. Nxt time spk the truth if you want a honest opinion."

She did speak the truth, as far as us can ever know, which is always the case with Mumsnet.

She told us her story from a different perspective. And loads of us have given her our views. If you don't want to, don't but she has told us her version of the situation which is what mumsnet is all about.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:29

sookies as long as you aware that I was not making shit up, I am fine with you Thanks

And have no comments to make on alcoholism, as I know jack shit about it.

mumto2two it is a bit complex but actually I can totally see why the OP did it this way and it makes sense.

ollieplimsoles · 19/03/2017 22:31

Op, how do your kids feel about your mother? Cant you just cut her out if your lives?

WatchHowISoar · 19/03/2017 22:32

I stick by my reply that the dm sounded manipulative controlling and interfering. Do yourself a favour op and drop her completely. She treats you and nd your dh like crap, how do you think that's a good influence on your dc?

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 22:35

No worries Italian Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:37

sookies Wink

CMamaof4 · 19/03/2017 22:37

It will bring you all closer him leaving, It did with my DC with my husband, They look to him as their Dad its been so long now its just our way of life, and I wouldn't change it, Particularly after hearing from my ex husbands new wife who he went off and had more kids with after dumping my kids, She's as miserable as sin with him. So I know everything worked out for the best.

Your mum is really toxic and the rest of your family are arseholes.
Stick with your dp and have a happy life, he is totally right x

Itsnotwhatitseems · 19/03/2017 22:42

I think damage limitation for the DC is whats important now. They will live with you and your little family unit so they will have the security of a loving family, see their dad at weekends, possibly their grandma but at the end of the day if they get love, security and are no longer mixed up in a bad relationship with an alcoholic father and unhappy mother having an affair, things will be better for them. I would feel betrayed by my mum and can understand your feelings on this but some children only see one of their parents at the weekend anyway. As long as they have a secure routine and are loved they will be fine

BillSykesDog · 19/03/2017 22:55

Okay Sookie, perhaps to counter your 'alcoholics are brilliant parents' narrative you might want to have a look at some actual facts. Like the Children's Commissioners Report on alcoholic parents.

www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/sites/default/files/publications/FINAL_OCC_Report_Silent_Voices_Parental_Alcohol_Misuse_FULL_REPORT_Sept_2012_0.pdf

Parental alcohol/substance misuse is strongly correlated with family conflict, and with domestic violence and abuse. This poses a risk to children of immediate significant harm and of longer-term negative consequences

It seems that children recognise the links between parental drinking and the presence of conflict, violence and abuse

Heavy drinking is by definition in this report called 'hazardous drinking' which increases risk of hazard to themselves or others. Because heavy drinking does.

Funnily enough, none of that report seems to contain things which back up your 'alcoholics are great parents who have no negative effects on their family' bullshit.