I hope that everyone here has read that the OP is a reverse who had the affair because her husband was an abusive alcoholic who beat her up and who abused one of her children and whose mother has sided with the abuser and turned the rest of the family against her (? am I right in saying this OP?).
OP, I am the child (not abused) from an abusive alcoholic marriage. My 6ft 2 alcoholic father routinely abused my 4 ft 9 mother over a number of years, and also regularly beat up both my half brothers. I was a baby at the time and so escaped said abuse. I'm sure if she had stayed I would have also become a victim. My half brothers who I barely know and who my mother legally couldn't take with her, and myself, carry the scars and damage of said abuse to this very day.
Being brought up with a strong moral compass I do not personally condone cheating in a marriage. I think that under 'normal' circumstances that if a marriage is over, its over whether there are children or not. I am religious, I don't think things should be 'given up on easily' - marriage is hard and cr#p happens, it needs to be worked at. But, given my background I also don't believe that you should be stuck in a marriage where you are unhappy or in fear of your own life or that of your children. If its not working, then end it. Don't pretend its all okay especially for the children. They already know what's going on, and are developing attitudes from it that will influence them in their future adult relationships and that of any children they have , if they decide they can have them. You (and your ex) also deserve the chance to be happy in other relationships.
So OP I hope you understand what I think as an underlying moral philosophy to me personally under normal circumstances.
In the case that you were in an abusive alcoholic marriage - well only you know how bad it really was for your and the children. Its certainly not what I think of as a normal circumstance for a normal marriage. From my own experience of my family I can only guess what might have been going on. It might have been better for you to have finished things without the confusion of a new relationship, but frankly considering the cr@p you were probably going through who am I to judge. The new DP is obviously, from what you've said, someone who has rescued and supported you from the abusive marriage you were in, they are obviously a serious enough and loving life partner for you to have a baby and have a future with, and are willing (and I hope happy and compassionate enough) to take your children from your ex marriage on as well. Step fathers can be wonderful examples of fatherhood to children from divorces. I really hope that you, your partner, your baby with him and your children from your previous marriage are able to form a real and happy family.
Your children from your first marriage are going to come with alot of baggage which I really hope you and your partner can overcome. Please be patient with them. They might feel things are their fault, that they are to blame, that they don't deserve to be happy, or that YOU are at fault for cheating, for giving in and ending the 'relationship' with their Dad (even if they are fully aware of what a complete and utter sh#t he really was in every way). Its in human nature to want mum and dad in a loving relationship, and to blame either themselves or you or your ex that its ended.
The pain and betrayal you must feel personally from your mum and from the rest of the family must be immense. I cannot really comprehend it and can only guess how I would feel under similar circumstances.
I know that its not forgiving, but I think that I would look at the situation two ways:
- Its a blessing that your ex is moving away. Yes your children are going to feel rejected. Its going to be really hard for them. All you can be is extremely honest with them (my mum was). They will still blame you at some point, whilst knowing rationally you had no choice - be prepared for that, but if they know the complete truth they will always come round.
At least with him gone, they can realistically move on. I wouldn't block contact - that's up to him how much he really has. If he's a committed dad you've somehow misjudged him in some way, then he'll keep in contact no matter what. If not, then its better for it to die off and for you to be honest about him, but show them what a real family and a real loving relationship is all about. Kids are not stupid. They will soon see for themselves.
- Re your Mum. Everyone naturally wants their Mum to understand, to forgive if they are in the wrong (and I'm really not saying you were OP with the affair given the circumstances), to understand, to support and to help them and want the best for them. They also want their Mum to feel the same for their children.
I do think that you need to understand that your Mum will definitely have an emotional link with her SIL. Its natural, and just because things turn to crud between daughter and SIL you can't always (or shouldnt) turn that off. Its a relationship which has been developing over the years since you told her you were first together.
However, once you told her he was an alcoholic and abusive to you and particularly to the children, that feeling should have been put to one side.
You and the children should have been the priority, and there is absolutely no excuse that I would be able to accept that would explain on a long term and developing basis her actions to bad mouth you to the family, support him financially and facilitate him (an abuser) seeing them and to ignore you new DP and baby who is also her GC.
I have had problems (differently) within my husband's family, and while I can get over them being sh#tty with me, I will never get over the cr#p to my husband and esp to my children. No one sh#ts on my children and gets away with it. Long story short, its meant that I've cut contact with them, although DH's GP do have some relationship with my children if my husband is there (their choice - they on the whole can't be assed - part of original problem).
There are times when I regret that we aren't a happy family with DH GPs as I wanted esp considering my family, but then I think of what has happened (and continues to happen), and I just can't get past it to want anything to do with them.
So OP, Im sharing my twisted perspective where I'm just not a big enough person to forgive them. I cant get past what has happened, but I am trying to allow contact even if every bone in my body says no. That's the closest I think I can get to your children's relationship with their dad. Allow contact (if you feel they are safe) and if he doesn't do it that is him screwing up his relationship with his children).
As for your mum, its difficult. I don't know if I'd be as able to completely cut off my mum as I have my PIL (not that she would have behaved like my PIL ever). However as a coping mechanism I think I'd be putting that on hold until I was ready to deal with that. Your mum has completely screwed you (and her GC) over. And its that betrayal and putting at risk of the GC with an alcoholic and abusive father I would especially struggle with. I think I would want a distance with very limited contact over quite a few years before I'd be willing to consider letting her back into a more intimate and trusted relationship with them, and I would probably never trust her in a personal relationship with me ever again.
That's not the most dispassionate or logical advice I know. I really hope that you come up with the best solution for you, your DP and all of your children.