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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 20:00

I'm confused, So it's your ex husband that's leaving the children and you're their mother and keeping them?

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 20:00

I'm completely confused.

Good luck. I hope you get it sorted whatever.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 20:02

Well just reverse everything on the thread. He's a total monster and for me, all you've don'e wrong is have an affair, with the man you're still with.

I'd tell you mum where to go. In no uncertain terms.

And don't reverse threads, its idiotic and confusing.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 20:02

I stand by what I said.
You should not have had an affair.
Hour marriage is shit then leave ig dont fuck another Hmm
You shojld not have asked you mum to lie.
Your ex should not have put drink first.
You cannot blame him for starting a new family. You did it a year ago with the OM.

You BOTH failed hour kids.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 20:03

Sorry for the typos trying to multi task Blush

Sillysausage123 · 19/03/2017 20:04

So is your mother interested in the baby you had with your new partner?

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 20:05

What Sookie said

rubyandbumpsmum · 19/03/2017 20:06

No I disagree. I think sometimes life is unbearable with the wrong partner for whatever reasons. You were not just randomly sleeping around, in a sense this new partner saved you from a failed marriage. They were not a mistake as your still together. Your mum shouldn't have got involved. If you were in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic sometimes the only way out is for someone to come along and make you realise how wrong and toxic your current situation is. X

user1471517900 · 19/03/2017 20:07

The OP hasn't failed her kids. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 19/03/2017 20:07

Cheers Sookie, that makes it clear!

Well, there's no excuse for an affair but there's no excuse for wifebeating and emotionally abusing the DC either. But how a mother could turn her back on her daughter (regardless of what she has done) in favour of a man who beat her daughter up is beyond me.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 20:10

The OP hasn't failed her kids. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

How is it ridiculous?

Op only ended the marriage cos mum told.
OP instead of putting her time in to a better life gor her DC by leaving the alcoholic she spent that gime fucking another man. Yeah her kids were her priority Hmm

user1471517900 · 19/03/2017 20:10

I also disagree with ruby above mind you. It's also ridiculous to make an affair more valid by length of future relationship you have with them. We hear about EA's on here so often. They're not somehow more right than a one night drunken mistake that someone regrets the next day (if anything the opposite)

rubyandbumpsmum · 19/03/2017 20:13

Sorry this is the first thing I've ever posted on!! What's EA? Xx

MadMags · 19/03/2017 20:13

Sigh!

The problem with reverses is you have no idea what your mother's version of this would be so it's bullshit.

rubyandbumpsmum · 19/03/2017 20:15

I'm not condoning having an affair. That wasn't how I ment to come across. But what I was meaning is when someone has been emotionally abused and lived like it for so long they can't just up and leave ad they feel worthless.... X

user1471517900 · 19/03/2017 20:19

EA =emotional affair (no sex has happened). It's a whole other thread in terms of its actual definition

Sookie - take the sex out of it and say she went to play badminton twice a week. Is that failing her children as she's not doing something for their benefit all the time? The affair is obviously wrong but not because it somehow means she has to feel she's ruined her children's lives. If anything they've probably vastly improved (whether by good fortune or whatever). The kids lives are not somehow worsened because of how she left the marriage. We can assume this marriage was ending regardless, she failed her husband's life perhaps by not doing this in a proper way but not the kids.

user1471517900 · 19/03/2017 20:20

For reversing a thread however there's never an excuse for that.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 20:22

I dont think the alcoholic parent is right by the way.

But i do wonder if the time spent texting the om, meeting up with om and asking mum to lie would have been better spent sorting out leaving the marriage?

That is no excuse for violence by the way. That is always wrong and there is never an excuse.

grannytomine · 19/03/2017 20:24

OP, I am in a similar situation to you but my DIL, well she is my exDIL but I still think of her as DIL, has found a new man locally. I do alot to help her, my son doesn't object and if he did I would say I do it for the kids, anything that makes life easier for them is my motivation. I think you are doing the right thing and I think you DIL would move anyway so how would it help for you to make it harder for her to see the children.

user1471517900 · 19/03/2017 20:24

Did she actually ask her mum to lie - I thought she asked her mum for advice about what to do and her mum took the info and told the DH. I could be completely wrong though if I've missed something that says she actually told her because she needed an alibi.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 20:27

User

My son did try to talk to me about the affair but I didn't want to be in cahoots with him about it,

I would think that mum did not want to lie/withold truth. For that I cannot blame the mum.

rubyandbumpsmum · 19/03/2017 20:29

I think she went to mum for advice and mum told him.....

Why did your mum assist him for custody? Was it just because she doesn't like your new man? Was she aware of the violence aswell in the relationship?

Procrastinator1 · 19/03/2017 20:35

The reverse perhaps saps the sympathy that one might have had for the OP. However I would be extremely upset if my mother had funded my alcoholic husband in a custody case against me, whatever I had done. Why do you think she did this OP?

Starlight2345 · 19/03/2017 20:35

YABU to post a reverse.

Now we know who you are what is it you actually want from the thread?

Have you tried talking to your DM?

I somehow think new family old family will become irrelevant in his life ..When I thought it was mum moving away I was thinking she would bring child with her..However as it is Dad this won't happen.

I would keep the lot of them at a distance.

Badgoushk · 19/03/2017 20:52

OP please can you repost on this thread but telling the story the right way around? Thanks.

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