My daughter in law, aibu?

[SilverDoo]

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

Sparechange
😂😂😂😂

Sillysausage
Well said

The reverse has totally messed with my head. However...good for you for coming back OP.

So have I got this right: You were in a relationship with an alcoholic and emotionally abusive man, you had an affair, tried to talk to your mum about it and she told your ex plus the rest of the family. ED was violent (presumably this is the stuff you mentioned that mum 'let go'). Mum helped him with his legal fees to get custody of the children and helped him in other ways financially. She had a go at your partner in the street. You have a new baby and occasionally take her to see your mum but things are strained as you feel betrayed by her. Now, ex is moving away with his new partner and mum is offering for them to stay over with her when they visit. Mum hopes this will mean she gets to see more of her grandchildren?

This is a really sad situation whichever way you look at it. I hope you and your mum can find a way to resolve things.

Ex was violent

Can't her man move up to her area. It is a lot for her to give up. I could never leave my children.

So your ex-DIL is moving elsewhere with her partner and having his baby and has chosen to allow her ex - your DS - to have full custody of the children and you and DS do not get along so therefore YOU will see your GC less?

This is more about YOU rather than being about your ex-DIL.

DF's who move elsewhere to be with their new partner and unborn child are usually given a lot of criticism. DM's who do this are usually dealt with far more criticism and name-called for doing so! It's unfair IMO.

There is so much we don't know here such as the length of time your ex-DIL has been with this man, whether the job he has has relocated rather than him seeking employment elsewhere and also whether your grandchildren are happy with the new arrangement.
If this is all so, then everyone is happy except you, and I will hazard a guess and say it is because you know you are less likely to see your grandchildren as often as you do.

It's a sad situation for you to be in, but do not beat up this mum who probably made a very difficult decision in difficult circumstances.

It is easy for us all to beat someone up, call them names and be judgemental behind the screen of a computer, a tablet or phone without knowing the FULL facts.

SilverDoo WOW WOW WOW !!!!!

"I've been reading all the posts and deliberating what to say/do. I wasn't sure whether to come back or not but decided I should."

Well I want to thank you for coming back! Honestly I did suspect a reverse but could not work out who you were. I almost Pmed you!

"Basically, yes, this is a revers. I am really sorry if you feel I've been dishonest. I can absolutely see why this would upset people as you have all invested time, emotion and energy into the thread, which I sincerely and massively appreciate. " To be honest i don't feel let down, because I suspected and because, well, we give our time freely, it's your life.

So I am the 'son'... Actually the daughter. I had an affair. I know this was a fucking shitty thing to do and there is not a day goes past where I don't feel crushing guilt." Having an affair is not nice, as I said when I thought you were a man. But you can't beat yourself up about it forever, you can forgive yourself for it happening. I didn't condemn you as a man and I don't condemn you as a woman.

"DH was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive to one of our DC. He beat me up when he found out. Despite this my mother did everything I have stated." Your ex is a total shit for the abuse and beating you up, which is something that was not in your original post.

The reason I reversed it is because I cannot cope with being a pariah, I've been in therapy for year but a still feeling very alone and anxious. I couldn't cope with a flaming but wanted the options of mumsnetters as I do believe it's generally correct!" That's totally fine. I am so sorry you've had to have all this counselling because of that shit.

"My children are absolutely my priority." Good that is as it should be.

You and they are better off without him, not because he is a man, but because he treated you really terribly and was physically violent to you. there is no excuse for that, affair or not, there is never any excuse for that.

Your mother is appalling, I would not want her anywhere near my kids.

OnionKnight "The backtracking starts now." and SookiesSocks "Peddle peddle peddle"

I'm not backtracking on anything, I supported the 'son' and disliked the grandmother, nothing has changed there. The only bit of additional information that has come to light is that the person we thought was the DIL is actually a SIL, who was abusive and beat up his wife. So under those circumstances, man or woman, I'd say good riddance to crap rubbish. The 'son' in the story will be much better off which the grandmother and 'DIL' and so will the kids.

Annesmyth123 "I knew it was a reverse. The thing is, once you reverse it isn't the truth not really. You can't know what your mothers motivation was." I could not see what her motivation was before, except to get contact with her grandkids; this latest revelation doesn't throw more light on the grandmothers motives

38cody if you are not interested stay off the thread.

Italian why the hell would you copy and past so much of the thread?

Most of us have read it. We know what its about we dont need reminding

Oh fuck me...

Right well, my thoughts after your revelation is that your mother is meddling and I would keep her at arms length. Let your ex fuck off (your kids deserve better than an abuser) and you should just sail off into sunset with your new man- grandparents have no rights so your mother has failed across the board.

Jobs a good un

Totally confusing writing a reverse.
I don't think you let your kids down, Being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a drinker is hard, I've been there and that didn't benefit my kids at all, Infact they flourished without him.

Your mum is totally out of order and seems to be an emotional abuser to you herself not being there for you (her daughter) telling your ex instead of letting you tell him, telling the wider family and supporting him after he beat you up, and not having much of a relationship with your baby, Its like she is punishing you.
I would stay away from her if I were you op.

What good did you think would result from your telling your DIL about your son's affair?

"user1471517900* "For reversing a thread however there's never an excuse for that."

I actually think the reverse worked very well. And loads of people guessed from early on and still kept posting!

*Procrastinator8 "The reverse perhaps saps the sympathy that one might have had for the OP." It doesn't for me, in fact this new information of how abusive the alcoholic partner is means I have much more sympathy than I had before.

OP has explained why she did the reverse, I think it was really clever actually.

Ok well considering the reverse I think things have worked out well for you OP. Your mother is toxic, I don't care what my daughter did I would not be supporting the man who beat her up. I would go fully NC.
Ex will move away and then contact will probably dwindle. If he is emotionally abusive to DC I would just let this happen and provide extra emotional support for the kids.
Yeah it not ideal for the kids but you have to make the best of a bad situation. Put all your energy into creating a happy home for them and try to let go of the hurt from DM and ExH.

Can't believe a mother is moving away from her children for a man. Disgusting. Poor children.

So have I got this right: You were in a relationship with an alcoholic and emotionally abusive man, you had an affair, tried to talk to your mum about it and she told your ex plus the rest of the family. ED was violent (presumably this is the stuff you mentioned that mum 'let go'). Mum helped him with his legal fees to get custody of the children and helped him in other ways financially. She had a go at your partner in the street. You have a new baby and occasionally take her to see your mum but things are strained as you feel betrayed by her. Now, ex is moving away with his new partner and mum is offering for them to stay over with her when they visit. Mum hopes this will mean she gets to see more of her grandchildren?

Yes, this exactly.

I can understand why you'd post a reverse on this Silverdoo. There's a high chance the thread would immediately have been derailed as soon as you confessed to being on OW. We know they're not popular in these parts and you would have had even more of a slating and less understanding if you'd 'fessed up at the start.

But what do you actually want to hear now? Do you want to be told how terrible your ex is (because he is) and that it's good that he's getting as far away from you and your dcs as he can (because it is)? Do you want us to tell you how greatly you're mum has betrayed you (because she has) and what a bitch she is (because she is)? Do you want us to tell you to cut contact with your mum (because you should)?

Or do you just want to tell us how you feel? Then tell us.

Sookies "why would you comment on my posting some of the thread?" Because I wanted to comment on what you were saying.

I don't think we will agree so how about I don't comment on your posts and you don't on mine?

Basically I wanted outside opinions on the situation. I really struggle with what my mother has done, from a purely selfish angle, I feel betrayed.

I wanted to get honest views without being flamed.

I did go to the police after he assaulted me, he was arrested a while later but it was his word against mine. My family have never mentioned it, i assume they believe him that I was lying. I wasn't.

Gobsmacked at all the double standards regarding woman vs man moving away with partner .... we still have a long way to go on that equality thing

The kids are the most important thing here and if ex was EA and violent towards you the further away the better. For me if MY mother was doing this I would be telling her that I would be sorting an injunction out so she didn't see them at all as she is manipulating and facilitating an abuser etc although what grounds you would have not sure I would certainly be threatening it and then stopping all contact till she complied.

OP what are your feelings about your ex moving away and staying with your mum when he visits?

OP I really hope you will get all the help you need to heal from this terrible situation. I;ve just realised your ex was abusive to your child. One of them or both of them? Would the children be able to go no contact with him?

You do know you will get masses of people commenting on your orginal post now, so it will get confusing. But I think what you did was quite clever, you got us to reveal how we felt about a situation. That's part of what mumsnet is all about.

Do you still let your mum see your kids? I wouldn't. I would never let her near them again, and when your ex drops off the scene then so will she. Any mum who stands by and supports a man, or woman, who abuses their partner and child/ren, is just not worth having in their lives.

I can understand why you'd feel massively betrayed silverdoo. You have been. In fact, I think you're a better person than most still taking your dcs to see your mother. Why do you do that? Why are you still trying to appease someone who has let you down so very very badly? Why do you want your dcs to be influenced by her?

I hope you are happy with your new dp, new baby and dcs. Can you make a better life for you all without the toxic ex and mother?

And....let the furious back peddling commence...

I totally agree with Haffdong .

"Why do you want your dcs to be influenced by her?"

There was a thread on here a while ago about a woman whose child was turned against her by her own mother. If I ever thought that would happen my kids would not see my mother again. She may love them, but she is not good for them, and she will turn her poison on them if they step out of line probably.

My DC see my mother through my ex. She cooks them all Sunday lunch (along with my brother and his wife) and collects DC from school a day a week. My grandmother, aunts & uncles send my ex money and presents for birthday and Christmas. It's pretty shit.

BillSykesDog I have not seen any backpeddling.

Maybe less surprise to learn the alcoholic parent who is pissing off is a male not a female and is, to boot, abusive and violent.

But those last bits of info are new and they do change how I feel.

The rest, my views are as they were before.