To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Elspeth - I had posted to ask if people would be ok about their DH going off for 3 months on something not work related. I wasn't asking about LTB. I certainly don't think he's god but I'm not a total victim either. This is my family and sorry if I sound defensive.

I don't think having a 'traditional' home life is deserving of anyone's judgement, if that is what you want to do - which it sounds like it was what you wanted. I didn't get that growing up and it made me determined to give that to my children. I also don't think it's terribly surprising that you'd be hesitant to leave for a prolonged period of time, with your husband leading the daily routine. My husband could handle this for a week, longer even, but the routine would drive him bonkers after a while. Plus i'd miss them like crazy, so it just would never happen. Do what makes you comfortable, Alaia. Just because your husband has trips away, it doesn't mean you should feel you have to just to even things out as some have suggested. That being said, if you want a weekend with your girl friends, stand up for yourself!

Choosing to be a full time mum is not a problem, choosing to be an absent dad is, especially when complaining about having an absent parent.
Nobody is saying ltb, at least not for longer than a week, but if you did he would have spend more time with children then he does now and couldn't go on a 3 month ice warrior jolly.

KirstyLaura dad being constantly away on jollies isn't a traditional home life though is it?

Traditional home life would be mum at home (tick) dad at work, maybe sometimes travelling for work, but mostly home in the evenings and at weekends. family holidays - which the OP's family do have - but very few or no solo "adventuring" by the parents.

Alaia is perhaps doing a traditional role, but her DH isn't - he's providing the money but he is away unnecessarily for vast swathes of time, and his younger children miss him (to some degree it appears his older children do not miss him, dealing with his absence ironically by gently mocking him and emotionally disengaging).

I assume Mr Alaia does not see that he is absenting himself from family life, and that his sons may choose to be sahds or work 9-5 and be there for there families because they were brought up by their mum but their dad was rarely there.

Happyfeet you are right - if the OP dies her DH will buy in a team of nannies and PAs and maybe have a stream of replaceable simpering girlfriends, and the younger children will have no emotional stability at all. Or he will ship in female relatives. He won't step up to parent, nor think that he should.

I think he would go demented with the routine of it

When was the last time he gave anything like this level of thought to your feelings?

He definitely wanted children and that was a huge deal for him when we got engaged

But not such a huge deal that he's prepared to invest himself in the minutiae of parenting - being present, being involved, being interested, the day-to-day stuff. The stuff that requires his wants to take a backseat and second place. The stuff that matters.

When the kids are grown up they'll remember the big jollies - going off on nice holidays and whatnot. But they will also remember the number of times that he wasn't there, when he knew nothing about their school plays, sports days, discos, first dates, fights with friends. They'll remember the all the times when you were the one standing by the touchline cheering them on, collecting them from parties and ferrying them to activities. You're the parent in this family - he, at best, is like a jolly Uncle who floats in and out to to the fun stuff. They are already beginning to question his approach and behaviour. I wonder how he'll feel when he's eventually confronted about it - because teens can be very perceptive and far less forgiving than younger children.

He is of the belief that children need their mothers at home (if possible of course). It's because he didn't see much of his mother growing up, though he won't admit that

Oh the irony. So safe in the knowledge that he's given his children a SAHM, he's busy being an absent Father instead.

Look, it's your life. But you know that you and your children deserve so much more than a man who trots merrily in and out like you are some kind of luxury hotel with 24/7 access and no prior booking needed.

Answer this; if one of your daughters came home and told you that she was going to marry a man just like her Father - with the MIL, the jaunts, the floating in and out of home life, the issues with your part time work, the expectations that you'll cater for a number of additional friends who drop in with 2 hours' notice - what would you say?

He definitely wanted children and that was a huge deal for him when we got engaged

For a virility statement/status thing? Continuation of the family line? It probably never occurred to him that he would ever have to do any routine active parenting, nappy changing, night feeds, homework supervision etc. In his mind, that was the sole/almost sole responsibility of the mother or other female relatives.

It's also ironic that a man who was at boarding school and in the marines would go demented with the routine of it.

What Poor Yorick said. It all sounds like a bad novel, with him as the tortured, athletic hero, and OP in the role as self appointed fragrant uber feminised Marion figure.

I might have more sympathy if you weren't constantly referring to your huge wealth OP- I would get a proper job, stop pretending that this situation is a problem to you, and set up a decent foundation charity that your husband, you and your mates can use properly to raise money for a worthy cause.

You clearly relish your role in his life and you sound very well suited. If you changed this dynamic your marriage probably would not work. But it is clear you know this.

Also can your fella lend me £50? I'm skint and want to go for a few beers while my DH watches the rugby with the kids.

Sometimes, I get down how we're so skint. But then I read a thread like this and think, 'At least I'm not married to a boring ass wanker who sees me as a convenient domestic appliance to carry out his grand plans.'

He is being massively unreasonable and needs to grow up, sorry.
But you've got yourself partly to blame for letting him get away with being like this for so long.
I don't think the occasional foreign trip away (up to 2 weeks) is unreasonable if he can make arrangements for MIL when away and you should absolutely definitely go away by yourself occasionally. Sure he won't get the routines but he will get by. He needs to understand what you have to deal with on a daily basis!

Your DC need both parents to be around not just a SAHM. It's very sad that your DH just doesn't see this and you aren't prepared to actually challenge him on it.

Despite all the wealth, your DH isn't actually any better than a deadbeat father because he can't put his DC's emotional needs first. Children benefit so much from having a strong male role model in their lives that no amount of money can make up for him being neglectful by being absent so much of the time.

I don't think OP is mentioning wealth to show off - I think it's to try and put some context around the fact that him spending so much money on activities, and the types of activities he's doing, are not out of step with their family income. That his social life is not leaving her penniless and the kids in rags - and that she is in the fortunate position of being able to afford to hire outside help if she needs it.

The problem here is not money - although it's being exacerbated by it, because if her DH was on £25k p.a. then this polar expedition crap would be a non-starter!. The problem is that her H is a Peter Pan figure - he likes the idea of a wife, family, job, relations...as long as they don't tie him down and prevent him from flitting about doing what he wants to do, when he feels like it.

OP please don't think for a second that he has made a huge sacrifice by going off to work in investment banking (which I assume is what he does). He's had choices throughout. He could have taken a lower paid job when leaving the marines and been at home more - and not have had to have interrupted holidays and weekends. He could have lived outside of London with cheaper costs of living. He could have discussed having a smaller family with you so that there wouldn't have been such a need to go off and 'earn'. Choices throughout.

Exactly Apairof- the reason I mentioned the high income is that it kind of metaphorically and literally gilds this scenario; if the OP was living in a humble situation with 4 kids and her husband was spending all this time 'in a band', or going to the dog tracks or going on a 3 month sponsored fun run to Cleethorpes, the romanticism that is fluttering round all of this just would not exist.

I don't think the OP is showing off at all. I am not offended by wealth and nor have I any sort of inverse snobbery. That said, it does appear that the fact that all of this is set within a certain, unusual context. I doubt that the OP would have sustained this situation so uncomplainingly so far if the clearly huge finances weren't such a glaringly large part of her situation. It has been the elephant in the room throughout this thread and I wonder what his life, her life and their relationship would look like if the £££££££ were removed.

Sorry we were having dinner.

I really do take account of what people say on here and often it's a shock. I try and answer questions as honestly as I can. If I was showing off, I could say "Yes I have a DH who does a,b,c round the house and we are share everything equally", because that seems to be what most posters have on MN. I have never had that and the reality is it's not about to change any time soon. As I said, there is no point sounding outraged if I'm not going to do something massively drastic or LTB. I love my husband very much, but that doesn't mean he's not s bloody nightmare in some areas because he is.

In answer to the question about what I would advise my daughters, I would advise them to get the DH involved earlier and don't feel any guilt about doing so.

I know our lives and DH's behaviour are not the "norm", but there are many, many men like him. It is normal to me and normal to the DC. At their prep, DH is probably one of the most frequent attendees at parents evening. I don't know anyone whose husband gets in at 6 and the majority spend time away or get in very late.

Alaia - there's such a big difference, though, between a husband working long hours with a SAHM wife and a husband who is like yours. Your DH doesn't just work long hours, he literally doesn't lift a finger round the house, he puts in his "orders" for specific drinks and foods and just sits at the table waiting for his maid to serve them to him. Your DH couldn't even make you a cup of tea because he doesn't know where the cups are and you're too scared (your previous thread) to ask him anyway.

I really doubt that that's normal even in your set.

Oh it's all such a waste of time.

Why did you post then OP?

I have a 'traditional' DH who thinks that it's good for children if their mum can be at home when they are little.

Today, I went to London shopping all day while he did daddy duty to give me a break. He's also now encouraging me to go back to work (as I said we have 5 children) because he thinks it would be good for my wellbeing and he can see that temperamentally I am suited to work, even though I have the choice not to. He is manically busy and yet, as soon as there is a problem with the D.C., he drops everything & wouldn't dream of missing Parents Evening. He even took time off work on Friday to go to a school church service because 1 of them was reading and he thought it would be so much nicer for her to see both of us there.

He frequently cooks them dinner & puts them to bed so I can have a night out with friends because I had quite bad PND and he feels I don't get out enough and am too isolated, because of his job and where we live etc. It sounds cloying but on a mercenary level he knows that if I go down, the family will suffer and so he sees it as his responsibility to arrange his time to ensure I get time off from the 24/7 of looking after 5 children.

See a difference?

It has been the elephant in the room throughout this thread and I wonder what his life, her life and their relationship would look like if the £££££££ were removed

Like a 50 shades of grey type thing? Would he have been so appealing if he was a middle aged unshaven dude in a vest living in a caravan?

Still good luck OP, just make sure you know what to do if he dies and you're left to it. As far as the kids go you reap what you sow when they're older, it's such a shame. He would probably have more of a relationship with them if you split up and at least you could find a dude who puts you first. They have you that's the main thing for now.

Not in - I accept that and it's embarrassing. I'm trying to work on it in my own way.

Reggae - I explained I had posted with a quite specific question. Some people said I should let him go, most thought it was completely unacceptable. I wasn't expecting to be recognised from a previous thread tbh (not that I'm ungrateful for well-intentioned comments). Nor did I think this thread would be so long. Maybe I should have name changed!

I was thinking the same gamerchick he's the dominant and she's the -extreme- submissive. Not for me, but if OP can handle it, good for her. I don't think I've ever appreciated my DH more than after reading this thread .

Forgot to say that for my DH it's not just about me but that while it's often difficult looking after the D.C, he also finds it incredibly rewarding. You get little moments of unexpected pay back.

But the thing is that you shouldn't do these things because of what's in it for you, but because children deserve parents who are actively involved with them.

Just thinking it through a bit I wonder if your DH never had good parenting modelled for him so he doesn't actually know how to do it? Any mileage in setting him a challenge of how to learn?

PoorYorick could not be more on the fucking money, and yet the OP is so dazzled and downtrodden that it'll go right over her head.

I am not in a BDSM set up and never was! Where do you get that from

Yes NannyPlum, I do see the difference and I am trying. Believe it or not!

The back story about DH is relevant in this scenario. Posters who said to let him go did this on the assumption that this was a once in a life time event, a life long dream, not just another jolly. The also assumed that he would support you in the same way, that you have an equal relationship.