To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

I love the fact that they 'only' had daughters.

Alaia5 - really pleased that you started the course! Was it really last summer, though. I have only skim read this thread I have to say, but I will read it properly later. How is the course going?

OP your conversation was not a win or a compromise unfortunately but well done for raising it.

You told him you and the children miss him & his solution was to still go to the NP (just for a month) & for you, MIL & him to go away for one month to somewhere she & he want to go. This is bizarre & shows he didn't listen to you. He should have taken this as a request to review his lifestyle and look at ways to spend time with you all not ditch his children!

Please go back to him saying you've thought more about what he said and it doesn't get to the heart of what you and your children need - his physical presence.

OP, what's your cultural background? You don't have to say, but depending on what your own /family/friends' families for you growing up it's possible that what seems to many of us to be an extremely old fashioned and patriarchal setup is more normal for you. Maybe reflect on that. Most here are Anglophone I imagine which will affect their views of women's roles. If you are happy and fulfilled you don't have to change, but if you are happy why are you posting? You have to either accept the lot you've chosen or try and change it. You'll never be content otherwise.

It's going well thanks.

I do accept what people are saying, but it's easy to say things from the outside. I'm not stupid and I'm not a slave either. I didn't grow up in this country. Where we lived you had to drive an hour to the nearest shop. There was no convenience food, my mother did most things from scratch and if we wanted to spend time with her we would help her. I have an easy life compared to that.

I don't think the boys will be like their dad completely. There is no way they were going to boarding school and it would have been over my dead body. I didn't want them in a boys school either. They are in a large mixed school in West London. It's very culturally diverse and very liberal and they seem to challenge pretty much everything. My eldest DD is probably the most academic of all of them and hopefully the girls will get in there too at 11 plus. They are not growing up in a vacuum and are exposed to a lot more than I was as a child, though in a different way.

It is easy to say things from the outside. You need to sift through and see what is helpful to your situation- you posted for that help. Not all of it is what you want to hear. Deep breathe and confidence in yourself, you know in your heart what you want, believe in it enough to fight for it.

Perhaps the point you really need to make to your DH is that although he spent long periods of time not seeing his parents that didn't make it "right" nor the best thing for him and it certainly isn't the best thing for his DC. They miss him when he goes away for work! They want to spend time with him NOW.

In 15 years they'll all be adults and he go on 4 month adventures with your blessing but your DC deserve to have him as a presence in their childhoods.

The truth is that this one problem that can't be solved with spending money which I'm guessing is DH's answer to most things.

This thread can't have been easy reading for you Op, and it's good that you've listened to what people are saying to you. Are there any real changes that you are prepared to make?

Yorick - I can relate to the song because I have 2 older brothers. I had an upbringing that would be considered sexist in that way, but it wasn't as if my dad or brothers had time to sit on their arses either because there was too much to do all the time. I was the only one who went abroad though.

That isn't what I said or at all what I meant. If her husband works long hours, 6+ days a week, and Alaia doesn't work, I don't see the big deal in Alaia doing all the housework (with assistance from a cleaner by the sounds of it), cooking, school runs etc, whilst her husband helps very little with this. I wonder how many people posting here can relate to this situation? My husband works long long days and doesn't get to see the children as much as he'd like. He's not home to cook or clean or school run the majority of the time. That being said, he definitely doesn't have multiple extended trips away regularly - which I already said in a previous post I don't think is appropriate or fair or reasonable. Let's not confuse the two issues which I think are very different.
I didn't like to see Alaia's comment about how dh TELLS her he's going away, I'd be pretty disgusted with my husband for talking to me like that and treating the family so casually. This is where I see the change needs to be made. If she and her children are unhappy (which, they should be!), then she needs to set some boundaries with her husband about how much time is reasonable to be away full stop. Not just this one excessive and indulgent selfish trip. I would question him on WHY he doesn't want to spend more time with the family, what makes him think that is an acceptable way to parent. For example, if he's determined to do this month long artic trip away, that's it for the entire year solo. We can all advise and get frustrated on Alaia's behalf, but unless she wants to stand up for herself and set some reasonable boundaries it's completely pointless. I think she has her answer, no YANBU, dh needs to remember he's a husband and a father, and being 45 and rich doesn't excuse you from those responsibilities.

Thankyou Cocoa Yes I know.

I am trying to make small changes day to day. Like now, DH is at his rugby but I told him I don't have time to do lunch today because I need to help with the homework (and justify my life on MN ), so we will go out when he's back. MIL has arrived naturally, but she is just milling about.

I just wasn't sure about the Arctic thing, but am very grateful for people even bothering to be interested in all our nonsense.

We're rooting for you Alaia

You sound so nice. That's why people feel that you and your DC deserve a lot more. If you are the only one from your family to move abroad, you do have an independent streak. It's still there somewhere!

You sound like you are on the right track about lunch today. Small changes, push back. I have no qualms about taking advantage of funds to make my life easier, since I have made lots of sacrifices to allow the job that earns the money - we are a team.

Who's going to look after MIL when you're all on holiday in Italy ?
Or is she actually perfectly capable of looking after herself?

Enjoy your lunch and keep on pushing back. You've got the funds to pay for catering, cleaners a bit of childcare so why not use it rather than working yourself into a frazzle.

Oh and re the holiday to South America. Good idea leaving MIL with relatives perhaps she could stay there for a few months but instead of you and DH going off to some random place that he knows all about maybe you could go with the DCs somewhere touristy that they'll enjoy, perhaps the dreaded Florida.

good question about your easter hols or is mil going with u asweell

if my dh said i dont know where the cups are to make tea id tell himt o open his eyes and look then-it realy isnt hard youve just enable him all these years

I'm thinking the North pole would be a good place to send my DH.

Thankyou so much for the kind comments.

MIL is not coming to Italy, no. She refused to come to Sorrento as she says it's all steps there, even though we didn't actually invite her tbh. I am not worried. She has no real health problems. She is 69 but looks in her early 50s. There is a man who owns a local cafe who keep asking her on a date, so maybe she'll take him up on it and I'm hoping she will use the week to accept help from cleaners without accusing them of theft!

Alaia5 ,

I agree with others on here, you're lovely. The way you have handled criticism on here is to be admired. Btw, you mention Argentina, Aconcagua is the highest mountain in the Western Hemisphere and is in Argentina. I'm just saying in case he mentions he might be away for two or three weeks.

Alaia, I enjoy your posts not because It's nice to see you struggling over something but because you have such a generous spirit and "listen" to other points of view. I'm pleased for you and your DC that DH isn't planning such a long trip. I remember how you said DS1 said he'd spend more time with his own DC it's one thing spending time away for work (ostensibly for the betterment of ones family) but harder to explain a long absence for any other reason.
Enjoy your holiday. I love Italy with a passion .
Good luck

Benedikte has OP said her DH isn't doing the full trip? I've missed that.

I do accept what people are saying, but it's easy to say things from the outside. I'm not stupid and I'm not a slave either. I didn't grow up in this country. Where we lived you had to drive an hour to the nearest shop. There was no convenience food, my mother did most things from scratch and if we wanted to spend time with her we would help her. I have an easy life compared to that.

I can empathise with you - and also, in a funny way, your H. I grew up in a very rural area - as in you had to drive an hour to the nearest food store to buy groceries. There was a bus but it went twice a week - once out and once back. If you missed it then you had to hitchhike! My Mum was very busy - my DF worked away a lot and DM had lots of us to care for, plus she worked as well. I went away to school at 11 and went for months without seeing my family. I get the dynamics and the impact that these experiences have on you.

But we are sentient beings who have freedom of choice. Your husband can choose not to prioritise going abroad to a motor show. He can choose to put his children first.

It is good he is cutting back to one month. I would ask him not for time away for yourself, in return, but for him to show his commitment to the family, to focus on one thing for each child for the rest of the year. So for each child to have one activity that he takes them to, organises uniform/equipment etc makes it to all performances/matches . Then you will wave him off to the Arctic happily. And MiL could go to Argentina while he is in in North Pole.
is he Richard Branson?

I'm curious, will the 4 companies run themselves while he's on top of the world?

More on topic: if he's married to a woman who's happy for him to go, then he should go. If not, then not.

About the "elephant in the room" - in different financial circumstances, we would have had less DC. Apart from that I've no idea

Well I was hoping you would come back to me with a snarl OP

However your posts after that show that you're a drip drip kind of person rather than fire and everyone knows that water always wins eventually.

I think you'll be alright as long as you keep trucking at what you want.