AIBU - husband going on holiday.

[TimtheEnchanter]

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going!
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

Why is he going away when you are 38 weeks? Is that work or holiday?

Yeah, cos being a stay at home mum is a 'luxury', isn't it? Goady fucker. I do think that choosing to be a SAHP and not being under financial hardship is a luxury but am not sure how that is relevant.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do. You are not asking him to cancel. My husband and I have independent holidays most years and quite often I have been at home with a house full of children - as has he. However I don't think that he has been on a long haul holiday whilst I am pregnant.

The thing when I am 38 weeks is a gig in London which he originally bought me a ticket for too forgetting I was pregnant. It's our favourite band and it's a pretty big deal that he managed to get tickets etc. I don't know whether he will end up going or not at this point. Baby could easily be here by then!

I think it's standing Navy, I did consider going but with the travelling down there and standing and they're all bound to want to go to pubs and stuff I don't think it's doable really. I've said no so he has time to sell my ticket cus they were extortionate!

Do you communicate much with each other, it seems this was all booked and done without you knowing. How much did it boost for example? Do you go on holiday together?

It seems the big expenses go on him and his friends. I take it you are relatively young to have kids

No quartz, we are in our mid thirties and we usually have a couple of holidays a year and we're also doing our house up so he doesn't spend all his money on himself by any means. We may not go this year as baby is due slap bang in the middle of summer.
I know I'm hugely privileged to get to be a SAHM and not worry financially and my OP was not a way to moan about my situation in general, 'oh poor me, I'm so lonely' I just wanted to know if him going away for 9 days on his own with mates was a bit of a pisstake.
Seems some people think it is and others don't which is perhaps like me and DH. He thinks it's fine, I don't. Different strokes for different folks and all that. I will certainly talk to him about it properly next time and consider properly how it will make me feel.

Would he be happy you going away. How is he approaching it?

I do agree with someone upthread you sound lonely

Totally agree with @mcqueen

9 days is slightly long. A week would be better

Weird that he understands that his friends won't go if they are dads but he's happy to go

You need to make friends locally - go to M&T and chat to people

Leave ds at nursery for longer. You say he comes out happily after an hour. He can't tell the time. Leave for usual session

Talk to nursery mums. Get one over for a play date and arrange a child's free coffee one day

You need to sort out dc sleeping now before baby comes

Wouldn't be happy at 38w preg and dissapeering for stag do

I think, to be fair to the OP. She would have liked her DH to have said that he has been asked to go away, but refused because she would be pregnant. Not to ask for permission, but to be a thoughtful husband and not want to leave her. Sadly he asked her if he could and because she didn't say no, he went ahead anyway. That is why she is upset (rightly so). Op I would book your Ds into nursery every morning and look after yourself a bit. (Enjoy the remote control too!!)

I think the fact that his mates have told him they'll stop going on these holidays when they have children is significant. Makes me wonder what they really think about his actions.

" 'well
It will be shit for me but it's up to you'.

You'd really think that he'd have said no, wouldn't you rather than having to tell him?

Or at least a compromise of less time.

As for forgetting that you're pregnant!!

Some people do have difficulties with considering others, don't they?

Given he moved further from work so you could be closer to your family and friends, do you really begrudge him the time?

Nine days is nothing, it will go quickly. Some have to cope on their own full time much less a few days.

We didn't just move here for me, we are from the same place originally and his family and friends are in the same place as mine. when DS was born we both decided we wanted to move out of central London and be nearer family. It was the plan all along.

I dont understand men who leave their pregnant partners to go on non essential jollies.

Its nine months, not a lifetime.

Tbf though OP you should have pointed this out to him twelve weeks ago.

Plan something to do with your friends for next year. Make sure you tell him now that you intend to book a week away with friends so that he knows he has to arrange time off work to do the childcare. I'll bet that won't go down well at all!

Oh and YANBU to feel as you do.

Learn from this and tell him to FOTTFSOF if he ever pulls such a stunt in the future.

Not in a month of Sunday's would I want to trek to London for a gig at 38 weeks pregnant! Once I got to about 37 weeks I was just much more comfortable sticking close to home. Even with seats at the gig there would be a lot of standing and crowd negotiation, especially if it's somewhere big like the o2. Good call on that one I think OP!

I think it's important to note as well OP that of those who have said it's fine, have generally then gone on to say that their DH's didn't in fact leave them for an expensive 9 day holiday. They are talking about coping on your own when your DH is away for work, which is totally different, or about their DH's going away for solo holidays when they are in the position to do the same with their friends.

In our household the family unit comes first. So if DH proposed doing something that was not good for all of us then I'd voice my dissatisfaction, same as if I proposed something like that. Some parents can be selfish usually men.

When DS was young DH went away for a number of walking weekends, which I normally didn't mind until the time DS asked me in all innocence if we were going to get divorced as DH was away so much (his friends parents were getting divorced). Told DH and he cut down on the trips somewhat, although they're mounting up again.

I'd tell your DH you want him to sell the concert tickets - both of them. You can't go and as it's both your favourite band then you should be going together. He can't have cake, jam and cream while you're sitting there with dry toast.

I dont understand men who leave their pregnant partners to go on non essential jollies.

Its nine months, not a lifetime

I totally agree, especially on a long haul 9 day journey. I have spent about 5 years of my life pregnant and my husband managed not yo go away on a long haul holiday during that time.

He is being totally inconsiderate op, but next time this sort of situation arises (and it will) be absolutely clear and say that you don't want him to go. You are not being selfish, it's bloody hard work looking after a toddler when you are pregnant, or looking after small children with very little support.

I am also gobsmacked by people saying "take a weekend for yourself when he gets back". TAKE NINE BLOODY DAYS!!!! .

Naice - I think people are saying weekend because they know the op wouldn't want to be away from her son for 9 days - unlike the dad who clearly isn't thinking about missing him at all.

Yes, you are right of course Wine. Still makes me feel cross on the op's account, though!