AIBU - husband going on holiday.

[TimtheEnchanter]

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going!
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

i honestly think you can'say no now.

Two things. Can you buy in some help?

And you say you haven't got any local friends- is there a reason why not? Could you use this as an opportunity to try and make some?

I think you are BU as you were completely supportive of the idea and have only now turned around and changed your mind. And yes, it's your responsibility to say how you feel and what you're comfortable with so it's U to blame him and suggest he shouldn't have asked. Yes, it will be very hard on you but hopefully lesson learnt and you can set your boundaries- eg you're ok with him going away for a weekend twice a year.

Well if I were you I'd knock the weekend trip when you're 38 weeks on the head now. I would have been livid if my DH had even suggested such a thing at that late stage of pregnancy. I think this is a lesson in learning to speak your mind, OP. Men can't just guess what you're thinking - you do have to overtly tell them. When the conversation popped up about him booking this you should have said that you would prefer him not to. Not just hope he makes the 'right' decision. Anyway the fact that he thinks 9 nights away is fine would have made my blood boil. I would state that you think he is pushing the limit here. You don't get a break plus you're shattered being pregnant and all. Make it clear to him that his decision is a crap one and you won't be standing for this again. Make your feelings crystal clear and let him decide what he does. I am all for breaks away but not like this.

I think that the idea of having someone to stay with you is a great idea . And as it's now booked you perhaps should let it go this time . But in the future he should put his young family first or you trade off time away with him looking after the children on his own. That might make him think . There are couples who each have weeks away with friends and then the rest of their annual holidays together . It can work if you both agree and both get a break . He just does not seemed to have taken your entitlement into account.

Wow coffeemachine seriously do you think that way? Poor old hardworking DH with the stressful job and wee wifey drinking cups of tea all day.
I would imagine that having a pregnancy as a SAHM with a boisterous toddler might in fact be at least as hard as working in that scenario. At least at work you get to throw up without company in the bathroom.

Why don't you go to your parents one weekend & his the other? Can you book a cleaner through an agency to come once while he is away so you don't have to clean the bathroom & kitchen? I think being lonely without him where you live is a bigger problem than for just this week, are there any things you enjoy doing that you can do to occupy yourself & your toddler? Go swimming, go to a different country park/playground. DH went skiing & missed DC2's 1st birthday when I was 5 months pregnant with my third, it was ok, really.

And why can't you have a bath after you've put your 2 year old to bed? Something to look forward to at the end of each day.

I think you both need to learn to communicate better.

He asked, you said it would be fine. Why? You should have said that you thought it would be too hard for you at home.

You say that a week would be ok but 9 days is too long. It's only two more days. You should have stipulated the length of the break at the time you discussed it.

You say that you want him to realise for himself how difficult it would be for you but, to be honest, not everyone would struggle with one child for 9 days so unless you say, there is no reason for him to assume otherwise.

You need to talk to each other. I think he's been reasonable. He has asked, you've talked about it and now the time is drawing near you want to such the fun out of it for him.

Just make sure that you get some time as well. Bank it and use it at a time that suits you. Even if you just go to a hotel on your own to sleep and leave him on his own with the child/ren.

yanbu. The odd weekend away, fine. And I'm sure when your new baby is a bit older you will do the odd weekend away too. But NINE DAYS is ridiculous and I would be furious and quite hurt actually. Fathers and husbands to preganant wives do NOT go away for 9 days with their mates on a snow piss up. Tbh I'm surprised he wants to leave you and his dc for that long on a non necessary trip!

There's no point willing the other person to do the 'right' thing, if you didn't want him to go then it's up to you to say.

Nine days with one child might be a bit lonely but it's doable. My husband works away a fair bit and has a couple of trips away with his friends each year. Although I dread it a bit I find things run more smoothly than they do when he's here because I'm not waiting for him to get in and do stuff.
Me and the kids have dinner together early and if I'm knackered instead of waiting for DH to come home so I can cook our dinner, I go to bed early and read or watch a DVD. I usually put DC4 my 'bad' sleeper in bed with me or he comes in eventually so I'm not up and down, I hate co-sleeping as a rule but it's fine when DH isn't here.
You have the advantage of not having to get up and out for school yet so can take a leisurely morning if you need to.
Make sure you plan a break for yourself too.

" but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going! "

Well that says it all really, doesn't it?

I get that he works hard, long hours, needs his time.

But really, he hardly sees his family, so why does he want to be away for so long?

It won't be long before they are both in school & this sort of thing can be done again much more easily.

Imo Op shouldn't have to say no because he should be!

rookiemere
not sure why some women act like little helpless girls as soon as DH wants to go away for a few days.

and fwiw, I have done both, being a SAHM and WOHM when pregnant with severe pregnancy sickness. I tell you, the SAHM pregnancy was a doddle in comparison. nothing really nicer that leaving the office hourly to have a puke in the communal toilets

And one of my DC is severely disabled. I can assure you, I don't have an easy ride.

now the time is drawing near you want to such the fun out of it for him

This

Well your DH is going on his holiday isn't he, so meanwhile you need some practical help. Most people have decided you are NBU
I just want to help you feel happier.

What about charities that help parents with small children? Is it called 'homestart'. I did some helping years ago and I am still friendly with the family I helped. I babysat and supported and still do. Your HV or GP will know their contact number.
Or would your parents or his parents come at the weekends to help you and give you a break?
Have you told your Mum how miserable you feel? I know that I would do anything to help my DCs but it would useful to know how desperate you feel. Friends will help as well if you genuinely express a need.

Look forward now, instead of back, and do some positive planning.
Best of luck with the baby and next year plan YOUR 9 day holiday away with your mates.
If you leave your Oh with the 2 DCs for 9 days that should give him the idea of what fun you are having, whilst he is having fun.. Lol
Xx and hugs, cheer up.

once again thanks for all the replies. My original AIBU was about me feeling resentful about it, I never intended to tell him to cancel it now. Also regarding being a stay at home mom, I worked a fairly stressful office based job with my last pregnancy and I am finding this time around much more tiring. My toddler is heavy and boisterous. Some days I don't get five minutes to myself and DS can wake me several times . It would be hard if I still worked yes but being a SAHM with no one around to help is not a doddle!

You had agreed to it, if you make him cancel then you would be unreasonable.

9 days is only 2 days longer than a week so I wouldn't be bothered by that.

As long as he is happy to book time off work for you to spend time together and take you on holiday too then I don't think there is anything wrong with him going away.

I'd be more upset about him going away at 38 weeks, is he able to get back home if something starts happening?

My husband goes away once a year fishing for a week. We always discuss what week would be best for the family. Last year he wanted to go at the start of September but I said I'd rather he wait till October when DS would be settled in school. He agreed and booked for October. This year he is going during school holidays but he made sure to book 2 weeks off work so we can do something as a family for the 2nd week the children are off school. I do always say if the fishing holiday is instead of a family holiday then that's not fair and so we will always go somewhere as a family too (even if it's a caravan holiday somewhere as I know we can't afford to go abroad every year)

I hadn't had the opportunity to go away without the family before so this year when my friends decided to organise a girls week away I jumped at the chance. DH is happy for me to go (couldn't exactly say no could he lol) and I can't wait for a week sat by the pool, reading a book and sipping cocktails :)

I also think nine days is taking the piss. And what about his annual leave from work? That's less time off he will have to take with you and the kids this year isn't it? I hope you get through it ok OP, as a sahm mum myself I totally understand what hard work it's going to be for you.

My husband is talking about a similar trip next year with his mates, at first I said yes but actually I've got concerns and this thread has prompted me to have another conversation with him.

If he isn't settling well at nursery and you don't need him to go then I'd take him out. I'm not sure there's a need for pre-preschool if he is getting upset about it.

Get a charity in to help out?!!!!

Sorry OP, I think you've been on the receiving end of some goady fuckery on this thread. No shortage of wilful misunderstanding of your posts. Someone will be along in a minute to say their DH was abroad for 2 years and they were alone with 11 children and coped fine. That's Mumsnet , especially on a Saturday morning.

I agree with diddl
So he knows his mates will be better husbands and fathers than he is because they wouldn't do what he's doing! Says it all really.
Having said that I think it's too late to object.
My husband sometimes had to work away when I was pregnant last time and I quite it sometimes as I could go to bed really early and watch tv because was no need to bother with a grown up dinner etc
I would definitely put my foot down about going away at 38 weeks though. Both my babies were born very suddenly at 37 weeks.

Yanbu at all. It wasn't for you to tell him no or not to go - he shouldn't have asked to go and should have turned it down.

I agree with a pp - get him to book days off work and you take them as short breaks away - either afternoons or day trips.

Also make sure he cancels any future trips and say no (although as before he should t be asking and putting you in that position!!)

I am on mat leave from a stressful, high pressured, professional job. Looking after ds full time is definitely harder than working!

I'm taking the full year off because I adore ds and want to be with him as much as possible not because it's easier! The easy option would be to put him in full time nursery and go back to work!

Uninterrupted toilet breaks, lunch and a look in m&s, meetings, adult conversation about interesting things, lovely!

Rather than spend 9 days seething with rage, and making him feel guilty and therefore also resenting you for not allowing him to enjoy himself, just say 'you owe me BIG TIME' and look forward to planning something for yourself. It doesn't have to be NINE whole days away, but how about 9 nice things!

I think if your dh is your only adult company there's a lot of pressure on your relationship when these things come up.
Why are you so isolated? Is there anything you can do about it?
I've got a 3.5yr old and since the baby days if I or anyone else with a little one is left a few days while their partner travels for work or other reasons we always try to meet up and do stuff together more. Even if it's just lunch or a play at the park it's far better with another adult around.
Regardless of the holiday I think you need to get out more with other adults.