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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - husband going on holiday.

199 replies

TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:18

Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going! Hmm
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?

OP posts:
SarahOoo · 11/03/2017 08:42

Think of it this way....you both agreed before that he would go, it's paid and booked. I hate that above posters say he's selfish etc etc. You both agreed it!

It's awful that you will struggle but resentment and anger over it now won't help your relationship at all.

My husband goes away on a stag do next weekend when I'm 37 weeks pregnant (cue lots of 'don't come yet baby!' pleas with bump!). I've had an awful pregnancy and dreading not having him here and being on my own. There is no way I'm going to be moody, angry or a cowbag about it though....there is no point to it.

Mamagin · 11/03/2017 08:44

So when does OP get her break? 9 days IS a long time. I suppose that there is no real solution now, as if he cancels he will be resentful, and if he goes, OP will be resentful.
Practically, though, have you got anyone who could come and stay with you? Is there enough money to hire a mother's help short term, even if just for a few hours?

Original poster
TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:45

Thanks for the replies everyone, I should have said something at the time I know but to be fair I didn't find out til after that it was 9 days. A weekend or a shorter trip would have been absolutely fine. He works hard and is a great dad so I should try to be positive for him but as someone said him having a break means my job being so much harder so that stings a bit as he knows that is the case. He's also going away for a weekend with his mates when I'm 38 weeks - but that's a different thread!! Shock

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 11/03/2017 08:47

If you didn't know it was going to be 9 days, then you didn't agree to it at all!

pointstaken · 11/03/2017 08:48

After this holiday obviously, it is fine to say you can't manage on your own and you need his help, so even a weekend away is too much at 38 weeks. It's fine to say you can't lift your toddler in the bath then, and you do need your husband at home.

oblada · 11/03/2017 08:49

You need to sort out the nursery bit, it's worrying that your DS can't stay for mroe than an hour. If he stayed at nursery you could get some proper time off by booking extra sessions there. Has he got SN or any reason why he gets hysterical at nursery?
Otherwise I understand how you feel but yes you should have said no at the time...and 9 days is quite a lot. My maximum would probably be a week, 7 days top. If he's a bit fan of snowboarding then I can see how important it is to him and he can go for just a week-end but still this is not an ideal time!! Will he have time off when the baby comes??

NavyandWhite · 11/03/2017 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlight2345 · 11/03/2017 08:50

Can I suggest in nursery you don't just leave him for the hour. I am a childminder..My normal settling in sessions are at least two hours..Some settle straight away others take longer. However they do usually calm, if they are only there for an hour not long enough to calm down and start enjoying himself. Why are you in reception..Do they bring him out to you? This will help.

I am a LP get yourself out to groups swimming, anywhere there are other people it breaks up the day and also a good place to get support.

oblada · 11/03/2017 08:51

God I can't type! Meant 'big' fan and he 'can't go for a week-end'...

damnedgrubble · 11/03/2017 08:51

Was it booked before you were pregnant? If so, YABU but he isn't. You don't have to live in each other's pockets.

OnionKnight · 11/03/2017 08:52

From what you say you are being a bit U, I do agree that nine days is quite long though.

Original poster
TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:53

I guess I just feel upset that he thought it was ok and I shouldn't have had to say no He knows I get lonely sometimes as he is away a lot with work anyway. Again not his fault but a shorter trip would have been fine. My plan is just to get through it, maybe go and stay at my parents one night, do lots of activities with my little buddy (DS) and hand said little buddy over the minute DH walks through the door all snow tanned and happy and have the longest fucking bath ever while daydreaming about massive glasses of gin!

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 11/03/2017 08:53

I think it's fair and reasonable that you wouldn't know how you would feel at this stage of your pregnancy. I would hope that he understands and respects that.

In your shoes I would be asking him to book some time off work for soon after he is back to give you some respite. I would also make some plans for him time away. Order some new dvds and books - perhaps get Netflix for when he is away, if you don't already. Make some plans and invite people to dinner (think easy food) because i think evening company would be most important to you. If you ask people now then I'm sure they can fit something in. Look into parent and child groups for the day time, go swimming and trips to the library. Really plan his time away so you're not just sitting at home.

NanooCov · 11/03/2017 08:55

Are you able to have someone come and stay and help out while he's gone? I normally draft my mum or sister in if my other half has time away and an extra pair of hands would be helpful.

Original poster
TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:55

Starlight- sorry I didn't explain very well, we've built up to the hour with me doing settling in session and leaving for a few mins at a time. He's now quite happy for the hour that I leave him but it's been tough. I am just not confident going home yet cus the first couple of weeks he got so upset.

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 11/03/2017 08:55

9 days is ridiculous but you did agree to it.

I agreed to 4 days away with my DH but "it is cheaper to go for a week" so he fucked off for a week leaving me with a 20 month old the week before we got married. I was really pissed off and felt tricked into it. If he had said a week to start with I would have said no.

Bananamanfan · 11/03/2017 08:56

I think it's too late to cancel now. Arrange something for yourself for when he gets back. Don't be too upset with him; it is selfish, but like you, he probably didn't really think through the practicalities at the time he booked it. I think you are angry at yourself too for agreeing in the first place.
Can you book a 1 off cleaning agency to come in a couple of times while you are away? You & ds have a bit of a holiday too; what about a b&b near your parents or have a holiday at home with dvds & day trips?

Sunshinegirl82 · 11/03/2017 08:56

He asked if you would be OK because he knew deep down that it was a massive imposition and he wanted you to tell him you would be fine so he could go off guilt free. You haven't given him a guilt free ticket to go and so now he's annoyed at you.

On the basis that it is booked and done I suspect there is little to be done now (unless he can shorten it to say 5 days?) so I think he needs to now help you to work out (and pay for!) a coping strategy.

I know you say it's not about doing everything yourself but surely that will be difficult? And knackering? I have one 9 month old and the thought of 9 days on my own makes me want to cry. I think you need to get some help in for the time he's away so you can have a rest (nanny for a morning every other day? Cleaner?)

Is there anyone else you could go and stay with for a few days? Friends? In laws? Could you just spend the weekend with your parents? Would break it up a bit. Are there any toddler groups or anything you could get to? I'd want something booked in for everyday so I didn't feel isolated. Good luck op!

Bananamanfan · 11/03/2017 08:57

While he is away

RubySparks · 11/03/2017 08:57

When our kids were young DH would sometimes ask if it was OK to go out with a friend, I hated that so would always turn it around. I would say it wasn't up to me to say if it was OK, did he think it was OK and to make his own decisions.

No one wants to be in the position of being the bad guy by saying no, it's his responsibility to consider his family and decide what is reasonable. I don't think anyone thinks it is reasonable that he is away for 9 days so why does he think that is OK?

Original poster
TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 08:58

Also I mentioned the nursery as we are finally getting somewhere with it and my DH's suggestion that I go and stay with my parents would mean DS missing nearly two weeks. I don't think it's fair to do this as he has just started staying for a little while without crying getting to trust the staff etc.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 11/03/2017 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeemachine · 11/03/2017 09:02

I think YABU. He works long hours. his job sounds stressful and you agreed at the time of booking. I would let this go and not give him a hard time.

Fwiw, you are pregnant and not ill. most women will be working (often long hours) at this stage of the pregnancy - being a SAHM is a doddle in comparison.

rookiemere · 11/03/2017 09:03

As a skiier myself I understand the pull of the mountains. However a 9 day solo holiday for a DF of a young DC with a pregnant DW is completely taking the mick.
Long weekend - ideal.
A week - not great and seriously eats into his annual leave but for some places with not too frequent flights, then Just about ok I suppose.
9 days is a massive pisstake. It means that flights must go at least once a week so why not stay for a week? Also 9 days snowboarding is rather pricey - when do you get your equivalent free spending money?

You didn' t know how long it was when you said yes so I don't think your agreement was valid , I'd be asking him or indeed researching myself how feasible it was to come back after say 5 days.

Original poster
TimtheEnchanter · 11/03/2017 09:04

Oblada no DS does not have SN, he's just very attached to me and reacted badly when I first left. He calmed down once I left apparently but the nursery thought slowly and surely was a good idea so I still don't leave him for very long. He now goes in and comes out happily and tells me what he's done. This is all to prep him for pre school and like I said it's getting better so I don't want to take him out for 2 weeks

OP posts:
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